A disturbing phenomenon in marriage is that small infractions — especially recurring ones — can grow out of proportion

Short-Circuiting Connection

Abby Delouya

Shayna: Yanky has already told me three times he would call the electrician to fix the issue with the breaker. Why doesn’t he understand how annoying it is to be in the middle of a million things, trying to cook, clean, and settle the kids, only to be plunged into darkness and need to fly downstairs to flip the switch while the kids cry?! It’s so upsetting! I’m so angry! He just doesn’t care about me!

A disturbing phenomenon in marriage is that small infractions — especially recurring ones — can grow out of proportion and turn into big disagreements and pain points. There’s a flippant saying that “the couple got divorced over the toothpaste tube.” You know the story: He rolls from the bottom, she squeezes from the top, and twice a day, while reaching for the toothpaste, all each can think about is he/she knows I hate when they do this, why don’t they care? All too soon, this can morph into, he/she never listens to me, which, over time, may balloon to, I’m never heard or seen, what’s the point of it all, why even bother?” Resentment and feelings of loneliness fester, and soon there is a mountain of hurt, anger, and isolation separating this couple.

Yes, the toothpaste tube is a bit of an extreme example, but this scenario can play out in many different forms, all involving things that may start small but with time and repetition become a big deal (i.e., coming home late, forgetting to call, not making enough time for a spouse, or forgetting to do things we committed to doing). This dynamic can be exacerbated when one or both spouses have experienced relational or developmental trauma.

An important foundational premise for these instances is that generally, the offending spouse doesn’t mean to be hurtful or dismissive. We usually try our best, and sometimes our best falls short of our spouse’s expectations — which is painful for both sides. While accepting a spouse’s limitation or being more expansive in understanding is hard work, and often doesn’t feel “fair” — especially when capacity is not exactly matched in a couple — ultimately, both parties will only benefit.

A helpful tool to stop the initial hurt from spiraling into catastrophic resentment and misunderstanding is to take a pause and ask: “Is my spouse doing this on purpose?” “Does he/she usually mean well and is there something that is limiting him/her now?” (Think a hectic/new work schedule, an overwhelming issue with the kids/extended family, illness or pregnancy, etc.) What if we actually took a moment to consider what our spouse experiences during the day — their stresses, overwhelm, inborn attitudes of shame or self-esteem — before reacting?

Imagine the scene we started, slightly altered:

Shayna: Yanky has really disappointed me by not calling the electrician even after I asked three times. I know there’s a million demands on him at work and he must be really overwhelmed, but it still feels like he doesn’t care. When he gets home later, I’m going to share with him how chaotic it is when the breaker blows during the evening rush. He definitely doesn’t want to hurt me; he probably has no idea what it’s like for me.”

Taking a pause to reflect on intention and spousal limitations can help to leave a little space that may allow for less rage and resentment and more compassion and communication.

Abby Delouya  RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

Focus On Function

Hadassah Eventsur

AS a long day comes to a close, Esti looks at the copious amount of dishes filling the sink, the mountain of unfolded laundry, and the three empty lunch boxes waiting expectantly. Her thoughts go down the rabbit hole of self-incrimination. This sink is a nasty mess, this pile of laundry is skyhigh, and the kids don’t have lunch!

Exasperated, she stalks over to the laundry pile and tackles it, folding the clothing into neat piles, pairing up the socks, and hanging up the dresses. By the time the laundry is sorted and put away, she’s exhausted. She goes to sleep with the dishes and lunches untouched.
Here’s how this scenario could have looked different if Esti had viewed the (very overwhelming!) jobs she had to do through the lens of function: She needed to have clean clothes ready for the next day for herself and her kids, clean dishes available for the next morning’s breakfast, and to pack a sandwich and two snacks for each child.
Once she had broken down her goals like that, she could have started with the laundry, sorting the clothing into separate laundry bins for each family member and forgoing folding. Then she could have washed only the breakfast bowls and spoons, which would free up enough time to pack the lunch boxes.
At this point, she could choose to tackle more of the dishes and laundry, or go to bed calmly, knowing her family was set to function the next day.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS,OTR/L is an Occupational Therapist and a Certified Life Coach in the Baltimore area. She is the founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports Frum women who struggle with executive functioning.

When Life Gets in the Way

Shira Savit

The concept of starting the day with positive affirmations has gained popular appeal as an effective motivational tool. For women dealing with food-related conflicts, an affirmation like “today will be a good day of eating” might seem like a good idea, but a deeper look may expose it as counterproductive. Implying that “good” eating means following strict rules or avoiding certain foods doesn’t allow for flexibility when things don’t go as planned. If you end up picking up fast food, eating past fullness, or snacking out of stress, you might feel like you’ve failed, leading to a cycle of shame and overeating.

A more compassionate approach is to use language that allows for flexibility. Here are some alternatives:

Today, I’ll listen to what my body needs and do my best to honor it.

I’ll make choices that feel satisfying and supportive, knowing no choice has to be perfect.

I can approach food with curiosity, not judgment, and adjust as needed.

I’ll focus on progress, not perfection, and be kind to myself along the way.

I will stay curious about both my emotional and physical needs today.

These alternatives remove the pressure of perfection and allow space for real-life moments. They shift the focus from controlling every bite to building trust in yourself.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 922)