Many times it’s not in our best interest to marry somebody who’s too similar to us

“And Lavan and Besuel answered, ‘From Hashem has this matter come; we cannot speak with you bad or good.’ ” (Bereishis 24:50)

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fter Eliezer requested permission for Rivkah to marry his master’s son, Yitzchak, her brother and father, Lavan and Besuel, responded that as this episode clearly came from Hashem, they therefore wouldn’t speak negatively or positively about this potential shidduch.

Their refusal to voice an opinion is difficult to understand. Were they opposed to the match, or supportive? Shidduchim is an area in which it’s exceedingly rare for people not to have any opinion. (Rabbi Ozer Alport, Parshah Potpourri)

Open a discussion with my husband about “opposites attract” and you’ll get a well-informed explanation of magnetic fields, and a possible segue into Earth’s North and South Poles.

Meanwhile I’m trying to follow his line of thinking while wondering why opposites attracting have anything to do with planets, unless of course, you consider the truism that men are from Mars and women from Venus.

Rav Shimon Sofer, grandson of the Chasam Sofer, explains that when people are looking for a suitable marriage partner, they typically believe that a potential spouse must be like them for their marriage to be harmonious and successful. However, the Torah (Bereishis 2:20) describes the ideal wife as an ezer k’negdo — a helpmate opposite her husband.

Many times it’s not in our best interest to marry somebody who’s too similar to us, and spouses benefit when they’re different from one another and capable of compensating for each other’s shortcomings.

For example, Rav Sofer writes, people have widely varying approaches to spending money. If a spendthrift marries somebody with the same attitude toward money, they’ll quickly go bankrupt. Similarly, if a miserly person marries a spouse who’s equally tightfisted, they’ll save a lot of money for the future, but will be incapable of enjoying the present. To prevent these scenarios from occurring, Hashem specifically arranges shidduchim in which both parts of the couple have different backgrounds, styles, and personalities, so they’ll be able to compromise and reach a healthy balance.

Rav Sofer adds that this concept is not limited to money. Hashem often pairs intense people with more laid-back spouses and strict disciplinarians with those who have a more relaxed philosophy about child raising. It’s the synthesis of their disparities that creates a healthy harmony in the home.

This disparate approach applies in most other areas in our lives as well, with his math-science brain versus my literature-history left temporal lobe. (Is that why I’m a lefty?)

In fact, we rate pretty low when figuring out our compatibility calculator.

He deals with the finances while I deal with the tantrums = 0 points.

He’s always cold, and I’m always hot = 0 points.

He reads biographies, and I need my fiction = 0 points.

He goes for peanut butter cookies and I can’t stand pb, even with jelly = 0 points.

In fact, we’ve even gotten to the point that we know if one of us likes something on a restaurant menu, the other is bound to detest it = 0 points again.

Rav Sofer suggests that Lavan’s and Besuel’s lack of opinion regarding the proposed shidduch between Rivkah and Yitzchak was due to this concept. By telling us that they were unable to speak negatively or positively regarding the match, the Torah is hinting to us that when it comes to shidduchim, what we view as desirable may in fact be problematic, while the traits that we view as unacceptable deal-breakers may in reality be in our best interest.

Recently I found a list I made in seminary of the important features I wanted in my future husband.

In my immaturity, I somehow thought he should be exactly like me, rather than complement my personality (and compliment me, too!). After years of marriage, we’ve concluded that we’re completely “incompatible,” and baruch Hashem, that works best for us.

He’s logical and grounded with a clear, direct approach to life, while I often meander on flights of fancy, taking the scenic route. Yet instead of disagreeing constantly, we find ourselves fascinated, appreciating each other’s approach, completing the picture of our life by joining one puzzle piece with the other’s opposite parts for a total of 100 percent.

So as I held this list, so many decades old, I thanked Hashem that He sent me my bashert, exactly what I needed instead of exactly who I am.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 919)