There’s a fundamental difference between justifying and explaining

Explain vs. Justify

Shoshana Schwartz

Picture this scenario at the office: You’ve updated the software on a shared computer to improve efficiency and security, a change you know will benefit everyone. However, when your coworker discovers the update, she complains. “Why did you change the software? I was comfortable with the old version!” In this moment, do you feel the urge to justify your actions?

There’s a fundamental difference between justifying and explaining.

Providing an explanation for your actions can be constructive. Sharing your thought processes, displaying sound logic, and providing context can help others understand the reasons behind your decisions, preventing resistance and friction. It may help ease others’ anxiety, frustration, or even anger.

Explaining is significantly different from justifying. When you explain, you share your reasons, but when you justify you’re seeking approval or agreement for your actions. You’re asking, hoping, or even begging the other person to see things your way, to put their stamp of approval on your decisions, to concur that they’re sound, or even that you’re sane. Although often done with the best of intentions, trying to convince someone that your excuse is valid essentially authorizes them to pass judgment on your action. If it meets with their approval, phew! Conflict avoided. But if it doesn’t, then there’s a loser and a winner, and this is even more likely to lead to stress and tension.

With your coworker, you can calmly explain that the software update was necessary for improved functionality and security, ensuring a smoother workflow for everyone in the long run. This approach is about being informative and clear, rather than defensive and anxious.

But what if your coworker disagrees? What if she has a strong emotional reaction? You might be tempted to smooth her ruffled feathers by offering to revert to the old, outdated software, “making it up to her,” taking over some of her responsibilities, or promising to request permission for future changes. After all, it’s far more comfortable to be around someone who’s not grumpy and irritable, and a little people-pleasing may not seem like such a big deal. This is especially so if the scenario changes from the office to home, and it’s not a coworker but a family member.

Sure, it seems simpler to justify yourself, so the people you love, and who live in such close quarters, are never unhappy with you. It’s wonderful when there’s no discord, no one second-guesses your decisions, and everything flows harmoniously. But in a family, just like in an office, there are going to be differences of opinion and preference.

When you make a habit of justifying your actions, the consequences are more than just feeling stifled. Knowing you’ll need to account for your actions, you’ll shy away from productive or efficient decisions, pretend you’re okay when you’re not, or even hide certain practices, all in the name of keeping other people comfortable. The cost of doing so may not be seen immediately, but disingenuousness in a relationship prevents emotional connection.

As an adult, you have both the right and responsibility to act according to your values, knowledge, and experience. When it’s appropriate for you to make independent decisions, take note of whether you’re justifying or explaining. Though they may look exactly the same on the outside, offering simple explanations without needing others’ approval helps you maintain your inner peace and remain better positioned for open, honest communication.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors. She is the founder of SlimHappyMama.

Fun (and cheap) Family Activities

Tsippi Gross and Rivky Rothenberg

Y

om Tov came and went, but some of us are still paying Succos off until Pesach. Now is the time people ask: How can we bring down the costs for next time? And while Chol Hamoed trips are the basis of so many jokes — and so many credit card swipes — we asked our friends, “What did you do this Chol Hamoed?”

Here’s a list of activities that people did with their kids of various ages that are inexpensive and actually fun. Save this list for next Yom Tov or use for Sundays.

Out and About

Visit various playgrounds (note: scavenger hunts and competitions make it fun for the older kids).

Go on a picnic. Have the kids prepare the food or pick the menu (going with another family can change it up).

Visit cool stores like camping and hunting stores just to browse.

Go to the airport and watch planes take off and land while eating popcorn in the car.

Go to the dollar store and let each kid buy something for someone else in the family.

Go on train and trolley rides around downtown.

Take your kids to a vending machine. Imagine saying, “Yes” when they ask if they can get something! And then go to a park to enjoy the snack.

Go family biking, sidewalk roller blading, or play pickleball or outdoor hockey.

At Home

(Make these timed or competitive to engage older kids or add challenges such as blindfolding them.)

Lego building contests

Puzzles

Arts and crafts

Cooking/baking (turn into Chefs Compete for older kids!)

Make a Family Fair with a potato sack race, three-legged races, ball toss, balloon pops, etc.

DIY bowling with empty soda bottles

Do a scavenger hunt (hide stuff around yard).

Play board games — good time to bring out all the ones you forgot you had.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

The Comparison Trap

Hadassah Eventsur

IF you have ADHD, you likely spend a lot of time comparing yourself to others. You compare your parenting, homemaking, and productivity skills with the neurotypical women that surround you. By doing this, you’re not only impacting your mental health, you’re also not being true to yourself. Your Creator has given you certain physical characteristics, personality traits, and skill sets. He has also bestowed upon you a specific type of brain. Therefore, He doesn’t expect or desire for you to produce and perform like another woman does. When you keep this in mind, you can work with your brain and do things that work for you, fully accepting Hashem’s plan for you. You can create your own story, and when you partner with Hashem on the journey through life, you never have to compare yourself to others.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is a licensed occupational therapist with over 20 years of experience, and a certified life coach in the Baltimore, MD area.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 918)