It’s possible to choose to step back and observe anxiety rather than engage with it

Mindscape

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

QUICK TIPS

How to observe away fear and anxiety

Anxiety has a way of pulling us in. It can be intense, flooding our brains and bodies with fear and worry. Once anxiety has a pull on our inner mindscape, other negative emotions tend to follow fast and furious — jealousy, despair, fear, anger, catastrophic thinking, and self-hatred, to name a few. As our thoughts begin to race, we can start feeling physical symptoms such as a racing heart, pins and needles, dizziness, head and stomach aches.

Even when we’re in the throes of anxiety, it’s possible to choose to step back and observe it rather than engage with it. Stepping back from anxiety isn’t the same as avoiding it, it just allows for some metaphorical distance between yourself and the anxiety-provoking problem. Try these simple steps to observe and calm anxiety.

1. Imagine that you’re someone you respect: What would she do in this instance?
2. Use an imaginary wide-angle lens to take a big picture: What has happened before this incident or in situations similar to this? If the worst case happens, how bad would that be?
3. Observe neutrally: Pretend you’re a neutral party just watching a show about anxiety. You don’t know anyone, or have any invested interest in the outcome.
4. Talk to your feelings as you observe them: Sounds kooky, but don’t knock it till you try it. You could talk in your head or out loud. It may sound something like this: “I’m observing feelings of anxiety in my body. I feel it in my chest and in my head. It feels really scary, and it’s making me worry about the future.”

Relationship Reflections

To hear someone gush: “My spouse is my best friend” may sound heartwarming, like the pinnacle example of praise. But is it?  To suggest, even unintentionally, that marriage is or ought to be a kind of friendship negates the intensity of the spiritual and emotional bond shared only between husband and wife. Calling your spouse your BFF may just be shorthand for saying I enjoy spending time with my spouse, we have shared history, lives and dreams, but the expression doesn’t do justice to the full meaning of marriage.

Of course, enjoying spending time with your spouse is important, and if your spouse is who you choose to enjoy everything with, that can be great. But one can still be very connected to their spouse without them being the person they hang out with the most. In fact, research shows that the happiest marriages are not born from friendship, but rather security and attachment. According to Dr. Amir Levine, a psychologist who studies attachment in marriage, the most rewarding marriages have spouses who are consistent, available, responsive, reliable, and predictable.

There’s another reason why it’s not accurate to describe your spouse as your best friend: We’re much more able to accept our friend’s flaws than our spouse’s. Bracha is messy? No prob. Shuey doesn’t pay his bills on time? Doesn’t affect you. If dynamics shift for the worse, the friendship doesn’t have to be pursued, and as much as it’s sometimes painful, ending a friendship is nowhere near as challenging as ending a marriage.

Jargon Decoded: Grounding

Grounding is a self-soothing skill to use when you’re having a bad day or dealing with a lot of stress, overwhelming feelings, and/or intense anxiety. Grounding is a technique that helps keep you in the present and helps reorient you to the here and now and to reality. Grounding techniques can vary greatly and may include breathing, mindful eating or counting, listening to music or nature sounds, smelling essential oils, holding an ice cube — anything that immerses us in our five senses.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and individual therapist with a specialty in trauma and addiction.

Sticks and Stones

Zipora Schuck

Akiva, a fifth grader, comes home from school in a terrible mood. Once again, the same classmates left him out of the class game at recess and teased him loudly and incessantly at lunchtime about his red hair. His mother has reached out to the school, but they claim it’s not happening when any adults are around, leaving them little recourse. Is Akiva being bullied, or merely the recipient of others’ less than stellar middos? What can a parent do? What can a school be expected to do?

Bullying can be defined as an intentional and often-repeated pattern of aggression. People who bully use their power — whether it be their physical strength, their access to information, or their status and popularity — to harm others.

Bullying can take several forms. Verbal bullying includes teasing, name-calling, taunting, or threatening. Social bullying includes leaving someone out, telling others not to befriend or play with another, or spreading rumors or information someone doesn’t want shared. Physical bullying includes pinching, pushing, hitting, blocking, hurting, or taking items. (Cyberbullying is bullying via technology, such as texts, email and/or social media to bully, and is dealt with differently.)

All bullying behavior constitutes extremely bad middos; however, not all displays of bad middos are defined as bullying. To differentiate between the two we need to look at the intention behind the behavior and its frequency.

Real bullying that is left unaddressed can have lifelong implications for the victim.

As a parent, the most important thing you can do to support your children is to believe them and show empathy and concern. Most children experiencing bullying feel helpless and embarrassed. Children need to know they can always confide in an adult without feeling shame. It’s the adult’s responsibility to deal with the situation on a macro level, and make sure that the bullying stops.

A parent can explore with the child responses that would help him feel more empowered. They can role play different strategies, such as using an assertive voice to say “Stop it,” or “That’s mean”; or humor, like agreeing in a obviously sarcastic way, “You got it right, my mother does paint my hair!” or “Thanks for the compliment!”

The parent can also help the child to practice confident body language, like straight posture or direct eye gaze. Encourage the child to stand near peers who will be supportive.

Adults can help foster a child’s confidence by giving specific compliments that refer to the child’s values or by helping them learn a new hobby or skill. Swimming, karate, or gymnastics can all make a child feel physically stronger, while music or crafts can increase a child’s general feeling of well-being.

While we never blame a victim, and a child’s deficiencies are certainly not an excuse for anyone else’s behavior, sometimes as parents we need to ask ourselves hard questions. Is my child doing something that may inadvertently invite this type of behavior?

Sometimes other children are jealous of a child’s strengths or talents and our child may need to make sure not to brag or show off. Sometimes our children lack some social skills and may irritate others. They may make unwanted comments without meaning to. If this is the case, working with a social skills provider may be helpful.

Children deserve to feel safe at school at all times. Therefore, all school personnel need to be monitoring the environment for bullying. Providing adequate supervision at all times is imperative, as well as explicitly discussing consequences for any form of bullying and including prosocial teaching within the curriculum to help children understand friendship navigation and conflict resolution. All children should be empowered to be bystanders who don’t tolerate any form of aggressive behavior.

While much of the school year is behind us, it’s never too late to make sure that all our children feel protected.

Disclaimer: The ideas suggested above address incidents that happen and then are dealt with responsibly. If your child is in a school that is not addressing the problem and seems unsafe for your child, please do not hesitate to reach out to the principal, menahel, rav and/or a child therapist for guidance and support.

Zipora Schuck  MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 839)