It may surprise you how much you can still serve them and be a part of their daily lives

Moderated by Faigy Peritzman

My parents have lived close to us for 20 years, in what I thought was a win-win situation. The kids love having their grandparents hands-on, and my parents benefit from the help and support we offer them as they age.

Recently my parents sprung a surprise, telling us they plan to move out of town to somewhere more rural, saying they’re tired of city life. We were shocked. They even suggested we move with them, but that’s not possible given my kids’ schooling and my husband’s work and shul.

While they seem to accept our decision not to accompany them, they’re determined to make this move, and I’m anticipating there will be a slew of difficulties in store for them. I don’t think they realize how much their pace has slowed over the years or how many things we take care of for them — doing the grocery shopping, filling prescriptions, or just hanging curtains and pictures when Bubby wants to do a spring cleaning. They’re too self-reliant to hire cleaning help or an aide, but I think they’re in denial as to how much help they actually need.

I know if I make it clear I don’t want them to make this move, they won’t, but as their child, how can I respond that way towards my parents’ wishes? In general, what’s my role as a daughter when I see my parents make decisions that aren’t in their best interests or may even be harmful to them?

Rabbi Eliezer Ralbag is the Rav of the Lakewood Courtyard/Residence Shul, home to assisted and independent senior living.

Firstly, let me commend you for the beautiful closeness you’ve created over the past 20 years between your children and your parents. This relationship will remain whatever your parents’ decision will be.

As a preface to answering your question, the halachos of kibbud av v’eim, state (Kiddushin 32a, Yoreh Dei’ah 240,5)  that when it comes to looking after one’s parents “mishel av” and not “mishel ben,” meaning one isn’t obligated to bear the monetary expense of doing so. Therfore, because of the financial impact moving would have on you, you aren’t obligated to move, too.

Having said that, your main concern is how do you go about convincing your parents to do something contrary to their wishes. This is especially of concern, as you feel this move isn’t to their benefit.

If you feel you must attempt to convince them to change their minds, you should keep in mind the words of the Sefer Charedim (perek 4, Mitzvos Hatluyos Bapeh): “One should speak to one’s parents pleasantly, in a soft-spoken manner, respectfully, as if to one’s master, as one would speak to a king.”

If your parents see your genuine concern and hear your opinion being conveyed with utmost respect, this in itself might be enough to make them reconsider.

If ultimately, they still want to make the move, you shouldn’t forcefully oppose their decision, but rather work to ensure their safety and well-being from a distance. It may surprise you how much you can still serve them and be a part of their daily lives, even when they’re living long distance.

Here are some practical ideas:

• Hire someone to stop by their home daily and help out with small errands. The visits themselves will be a bright note, in addition to the practical help they’ll provide.
• Arrange for a young man to come in daily as a chavrusa for your father, preferably someone who can simultaneously take care of whatever little errands/jobs around the house need to be done.
• Arrange for a local woman to take your mother out to lunch, and for a high school girl to help her with household tasks.

These arrangements will facilitate your parents’ adjustment tremendously.

Of course, maintaining your own daily personal phone calls can also alleviate a lot of your concerns regarding their day-to-day well-being. In addition, daily learning on the phone with your father, perhaps even for just a half hour, and consistent phone calls from the grandchildren can be of tremendous benefit to keeping ties strong.

In light of your good intentions to be careful about the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim, you should merit to attain the brachah mentioned in Tannna d’vei Eliyahu (parshah 24): “Wealth and a long life in This World, in addition to endless life in the Next World, can be attained through doing Hashem and your parents’ will.”