I put the phone back on my night table feeling like the world’s absolute worst person. But what else could I have done?

Last week:

When Sara Rosenfeld calls me up to explain that her girls were quite crushed to have been left out of the dessert that everyone else seemed to have received, I, quite frankly, lost my cool.

“Sara,” I say, my voice shaking with indignation. “I have hosted your children every single day of August so far. They are in my yard and on my swing set every single day. They are not quiet. They make messes. They fight with my kids. They don’t always leave when asked. And you know what, I was fine with it. They’re sweet and we’re growing very fond of them. But they have zero right to crash my mother’s birthday party and then complain that I didn’t order enough dessert for them when they weren’t invited.”

And chatty, brash Sara is absolutely silent for a full minute.

“I understand,” she says at last. And hangs up.

I put the phone back on my night table feeling like the world’s absolute worst person. But what else could I have done?

Not Fair Now

R.B., Jerusalem

Kudos to Atara for allowing the Rosenfelds into her yard each day. She has every right to get upset at them now.

But....

It’s unfair of her to not say a word to Sara all summer long, and then blow up at the end.

The Rosenfelds were wrong. They weren’t invited and they shouldn’t have come or gotten insulted. But if Atara wasn’t clear with Sara from the beginning, it’s not fair to Sara for Atara to get upset now.

Where’s Your Fence?

Malky

I don’t know if the Golds’ property is surrounded by a fence with a gate or not, but it should be. And on the gate, Atara should post a sign explaining to all that when the sign is green, you are welcome to come and play and when the sign is red we are not accepting visitors. There are signs that can be mounted that can be switched from green “open” to red “closed.”

Explain this new system to all neighborhood parents whose children use your yard as a playground, explaining that your family needs its privacy sometimes, too. Also ask those parents to make sure that their children respect your rules with regard to behavior, noise, and leaving when told.

Atara should have told Mrs. Rosenfeld in advance that she was hosting a party on that day and the girls were not welcome in the backyard. This would have prevented hurt feelings on both sides.

It’s nice to share and help your neighbors, but becoming everyone’s doormat will only lead to hurt feelings and resentment at some point.

You Let It Happen

Shira S., Monsey

Way before Mrs. Gold’s mother’s birthday I was getting a bad feeling about the situation. After it all blew up, I identified what was bothering me: boundaries.

One of the smartest people in my life taught me about boundaries shortly after I got married, and she stressed the importance of implementing them with neighbors, friends, and even (sometimes most of all) family.

In my experience, everyone recognizes the importance of setting boundaries to some degree, but we need to establish them for ourselves or we’ll end up feeling taken advantage of at some point.

I really feel for Mrs. Gold — she was definitely wronged — but she also allowed it to happen.

And Sara should not expect her children to be treated as party guests if they weren’t invited.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 957)