Remember: You can’t know what you don’t even know you don’t know

You Didn’t Know?

Shoshana Schwartz

MYfriend and riding partner Batsheva (read about her journey in Grab the Reins) needed a truck driver’s license in order to drive a horse trailer. She took the required classes, then went for her test.

And failed.

If you drive, then you know that before pulling to the left to pass a slower-moving vehicle, you need to make sure the passing lane is clear. Driving a truck, you need to check the passing lane all the way back, to make sure you won’t block any cars that might catch up with you.

Batsheva didn’t know about this rule, and failed her test because of it. It was difficult for her to accept that. She was angry — at her instructor for never mentioning the rule, at the tester for being so strict about such a picayune detail, and most of all… at herself for making such a stupid mistake. How could she have just not known?

As a child, Susan suffered from social anxiety and had difficulty making friends. In fifth grade, Andrea, another unpopular girl, befriended her. Susan was relieved, thrilled even, and began to feel a tiny seed of confidence sprouting.

Toward the end of the year, the popular girls invited Andrea into their clique. Besides forcing Andrea to drop Susan, they also demanded that she reveal Susan’s secrets — which she did, to retain her new status. The rest of elementary school was absolute torture for Susan, as the popular girls made sure to humiliate her at every opportunity.

Thirty years later, Susan still believes this was her own fault. She should have known better. She should have foreseen that Andrea would turn on her. She never should have entrusted her secrets to anyone. The refrain “I should have known!” still echoes deep inside her, and rises to the surface whenever something goes wrong.

Pause for a moment to answer this question: What would you tell Susan?

What would you tell Lilah, who loved numbers and became an accountant, only to find out that she hated the work? Or Dahlia, whose husband was diagnosed with mental illness a year after they married? What would you tell Rena, who didn’t know a certain street was a dead end and that an unsafe person was there, lying in wait?

Do you think they should have known? Would you fault them for some detail they missed, some sign that would have indicated they needed to escape a painful or dangerous situation?

Of course not. You’d feel compassion. Because you can’t know what you don’t even know you don’t know.

Now take it a step further. The next time you’re tempted to blame yourself for something you “should” have known, give yourself the same compassion you’d feel for someone else.

Remember: You can’t know what you don’t even know you don’t know.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for non-addicts.

Walk It Off

Abby Delouya

RMFT-CCC, CPTT

The Purim/Pesach marathon is over and there’s a nice long relaxing stretch ahead of us, right? Uh, well, maybe.

Except if you’re plunging headfirst into simchah season, if you work in a school and need to wrap up the year, if you run a camp and are in serious summer mode, if you’re in school and need to finish the semester… you get my drift!

Okay, so we won’t all be relaxing. Still, while it’s sometimes easier said than done, self-care is essential. While it’s not always realistic to plan huge chunks of time alone, it’s very possible to make active choices to, well, be active. Plan to take a walk every day. The weather is better, and there are roses to stop and smell. Get moving!

You need to wash the dishes… first, take a walk. You need to make that phone call… first, take a walk.

Walking is a form of “state changing” — it changes the neurochemicals in your brain, releases feel-good endorphins and adrenaline, and increases blood flow to the brain and body. It doesn’t have to be for long; 15–20 minutes is a great daily goal to meet. Extra points if you do this walk mindfully, noticing your surroundings and how you’re choosing to actively care for your body and spirit.

If you decide to use the opportunity to buddy up with your spouse or a friend for some quiet connection time, it’s a good idea to decide in advance which topics are off-limits for this time. Stay away from conversation that will stress you out and discourage future walks.

And lastly, just go! If you wait for it to be calm at home, for everyone to be out, for the house to be clean… you may never get out. Grab a pair of sneakers and get moving!

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and individual therapist with a specialty in trauma and addiction.

The Whole Truth and Nothing But

Sara Rivka Kohn

What to share when asking for a therapy referral:

• What challenge is prompting you to want to explore therapy?
• Have you ever been in therapy before? With whom? How long ago was this? What did you love? What didn’t work?
• Do you have a preference vis-à-vis the clinician’s age, gender, marital status, or hashkafah? This is not the time to be polite. If you feel like you can’t trust or be vulnerable with someone, say it now and spare yourself the waste of energy.
• Try to stay away from getting fixated on a particular modality unless it’s one you have tried successfully and want to try again. Therapy is much more about the relationship with the clinician.
• Do you have any limitations — time-wise, financially, or location-wise?

Most of all, try to give feedback to whoever gave the referral: what worked, what didn’t, and why. This is how we all learn, and if it wasn’t the right fit, we can try again!

Sarah Rivka Kohn is the founder and director of Zisel's Links and Shlomie’s Club, an organization servicing children and  teens who lost a parent.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 842)