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| Family First Feature |

Who Can Help Me? Part II 

How to find the right therapist: Readers’ voices and professional perspectives

Rivka’s Story

After a bad car accident, it took me a long time to heal physically. But even once I was basically mended, I was still suffering emotionally. When I had to get behind the wheel, I’d feel panicky and have a tightness in my chest all through the drive. I needed help.

I started making discreet inquiries. One friend raved about a particular therapist who specialized in anxiety. I took a deep breath and called.

The therapist was very businesslike. Half the phone call was focused on telling me about the cost of her sessions (high), that she didn’t accept insurance, and how she expected to be paid. She asked me almost nothing about myself, and answered my questions about the methods she used with almost curt answers. I told myself it could be she wanted to have this conversation face to face and not over the phone.

A few days later, sitting in her office, I started telling my story. She interrupted often, disturbing my train of thought. When I started describing my anxiety, and how I tried calming myself, she waved a hand dismissively.

“That’s all wrong,” she said. “I’ll give you visualizations to do. That’s what you need.”

“I’m not really a visualization person,” I said.

“Well, it’s what you’re going to have to do if you want to get better,” she snapped.

I have no idea what happened the rest of the session, because at that moment, I knew I needed out. I responded robotically for the rest of her session, paid, and left.

A few days later she called: “You didn’t schedule after last session.”

“I’m not coming back,” I told her.

A long silence. Then she told me I was making a mistake, that I was just frightened of facing my issues, and didn’t I know how much experience she had in the field?

If I had any lingering doubt she was the wrong therapist for me, it dissipated right then. I couldn’t hang up fast enough.

 

How many red flags did you spot in Rivka’s story? There were many. Rivka’s excellent self-awareness gave her the confidence to speak up for herself and make her needs clear.

In too many cases, though, a person suffering enough to reach out for help is often confused and out of her comfort zone, and not necessarily in the frame of mind to make dispassionate judgments about her therapist. That’s why it’s so critical to do your homework at the outset, in order to have the best shot at finding a professional qualified to help you.

Help Wanted

While many people rely on nuggets of information they’ve gleaned from acquaintances’ conversation, or ask close friends or family for recommendations, this isn’t always the most effective route to finding the right therapist.

Esti, who got many referrals from well-meaning friends, discovered that getting a name is often not enough. Great therapists are often busy and don’t have immediate openings. Even if you’re lucky enough to get a coveted appointment, your friend’s success in an unrelated issue might have little bearing on your experience. And by the time your friend’s referral has given you another referral, you’re so far removed from someone who knows you that it isn’t worth much.

Because of these pitfalls in the grassroots networking method, sometimes enlisting expert advice is the best way to find your expert.

Often, a person’s first point of entry into the world of mental health is a trusted rav. If he’s well versed in the field, he can be an invaluable resource. Rabbi Dovid Goldwasser, rav of Khal Bnei Yitzchok in Flatbush, has spent years guiding people through the world of mental health, and authored three books on related subjects.

“There are many wonderful people today in mental health — therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists who have done an excellent job,” he says.

While enthusiastic about the support a rav can offer in cases of mental health concerns, he recommends speaking with a rav who is familiar with the field. Even today, many people don’t understand that improving mental health isn’t synonymous with avodas hamiddos. Rabbi Goldwasser still meets parents who insist their son is only an addict because he doesn’t fight his yetzer hara strongly enough.

In addition to serving as both a source of encouragement and guidance, the rav can provide healthy oversight to ensure that the therapy is done al pi Torah. Not all practitioners are shomrei Torah u’mitzvos, and not all psychological principles and techniques are in line with hashkafos haTorah.

Does the therapist need to share the client’s value system?

“If the therapist is a professional who is licensed and has affirmed that he’ll share the greatest degree of respect in relating to the client’s values, it’s possible that he can be a suitable clinician,” says Rabbi Goldwasser.

Rabbi Goldwasser once visited a city where a non-frum psychiatrist practiced. The psychiatrist, whom Rabbi Goldwasser was already acquainted and impressed with, invited him to lead a group therapy session in his clinic. On the office wall, Rabbi Goldwasser spotted Rav Avigdor Miller’s “10 Steps to Greatness.”

“There are people from the secular community who are very fine professionals, and there are also chassidei umos ha’olam,” explains Rabbi Goldwasser.

Excerpted from Mishpacha Magazine. To view full version, SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE or LOG IN.

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