“We just had our seventh date and nothing is moving. It feels like date two”

When Dating Plateaus

Rochel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

“MY rebbi recommended I speak to you,” said the man who introduced himself as Yoni Kleinberg. “I’m dating a great girl, but this just isn’t going anywhere....”

“Tell me more,” I said.

“The first few dates were great. The conversation flowed, and we share so many goals and values. I kept saying yes, and she did, too.

“But we just had our seventh date and nothing is moving. It feels like date two. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe we’re not as perfect for each other as I thought.”

This happens a lot. Guy meets Girl and they like each other. They date a few times, and things click. Then, just when things should be ramping up, they stall. They can’t seem to get past the level of “nice acquaintance” and move to anything that feels like “future spouse.”

At this point, people frequently throw in the towel. But often, they give up too quickly.

I spoke with Yoni at length, getting his history. He was the third of five in an all-boy family. His father was a busy lawyer and his mother was a no-nonsense accountant.

Yoni didn’t date much, but when he did, he often found the experience bewildering.

He clearly needed a crash course in Women 101. I explained that what looks are to a man, emotional connection is to a woman. He might be a great guy and a solid learner, but if he couldn’t show a woman he’d be there for her emotionally, she’d walk.

I taught him how to listen actively — to acknowledge what she shared, not just with a yes or no, but by asking questions and reflecting.

The next step was to help him share his own feelings, which was challenging because he was disconnected from them. We discussed how sharing life challenges can help build connection. Yoni’s father had represented a high-profile client in a case that caused a huge stir in his community, and it had taken a heavy toll on the family.

“Maybe tell Malkie about that. You can share the ways in which it was hard for you and what you did about it,” I suggested.

“Ugh, that’s so personal,” he said.

“This is the woman you might marry! Don’t you think getting personal is a good idea?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so.”

Along with my conversations with Yoni, I was also coaching Malkie. I’d mentioned to Yoni that it might speed up the process if I worked with both of them, and he agreed.

Malkie had a lot of emotional depth, but had grown up with a father who was distant and cold. She’d gotten used to shutting down around men. She was afraid that they would respond like her father and not be emotionally present or, even worse, judge her.

I told her that Yoni wasn’t her father and encouraged her to be vulnerable.

On their next date, she told him about a wedding she’d attended recently, where some old friends had snubbed her. To her dismay, he responded with flat monosyllables. She instantly felt rejected and shut down.

Because he was working on understanding emotional cues, he immediately realized what had happened. “I’m so sorry,” he said, “I see my response must have hurt you somehow. I’m new at this. What can I do or say to make you feel more supported?”

She appreciated his concern and let him know what sort of response would help her feel heard. He followed her advice, and the situation ended up being positive rather than negative.

A few weeks later, they were engaged.

Perhaps most heartwarming was the email I got six months later. They were married and had set up two of their friends. “After five dates, they both said, ‘I like him/her, but this isn’t going anywhere.’ Rather than just accept it, we taught them some of the tips you shared with us. They’re still dating and it’s looking promising.”

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah.

Changing the Narrative

Tsippy Kraus

H

ow often do we repeat the same behavior and expect a different result?

This happens quite often with birth experiences. A woman goes into her second, third, or subsequent labor hoping things will go more smoothly this time, only to end up disappointed when the experience feels all too familiar. If we truly want a different outcome, we may need to change the narrative.

Three rules for changing your narrative for future change are: Acknowledge and reframe the past, Write your new story, and Align your actions and thoughts with your new narrative.

Here are a few ways to do that when preparing for labor:

Debrief. A debrief with a qualified professional can help you understand the “whys” and the “whats” of your previous births. It can give perspective and help you create a realistic birth plan for your next experience.

Be better prepared. Take a refresher childbirth education class from a reputable instructor who can help fill in any knowledge or support-technique gaps.

Change your provider or hospital. Make sure their philosophy and protocols align with your hopes for your birth.

Strengthen your support team. If you didn’t have a doula last time, consider hiring one. Or, help your husband feel more confident by having him attend a birth preparation session.

Let’s not forget, though, that every birth is unique. Preparation can make a meaningful difference but ultimately, as much as we plan and hope, Hashem is the One Who decides how each birth unfolds.

Tsippy Kraus is a childbirth educator and birth trauma-release practitioner. She also founded Birth Journeys Online, a prerecorded online childbirth education course for Jewish couples.

Real Peace

Sara Eisemann

“Peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.”

—Ronald Reagan

Conflict is unavoidable; it’s built into the very fabric and design of the world, often for us to grow through its resolution. It’s easy to mistake conflict avoidance with peace, when, in fact, true peace comes from facing the conflict with maturity and grace and coming to a state of wholeness. True shalom manifests in a sense of shleimus, with all parties and parts emerging whole, not having given up an integral part of their core identity and worth.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 982)