Adults may have different opinions about what’s right — even if we’re very, very sure of ourselves

What to Expect When You’re… Expecting

Shoshana Schwartz

W

hich one is correct:

Chaim should take out the garbage when prompted.

Chaim should notice when the garbage needs emptying, then do it.

Chaim should decide when — or if — he takes out the garbage.

What is your “should” — your expectation?

Before deciding what should happen, first consider this: Who actually gets to decide what Chaim should or shouldn’t do? You? Or Chaim?

Assuming Chaim is a capable adult, there’s an upsetting truth many of us don’t want to hear: Chaim is actually the one who’s going to decide whether or not he takes out the garbage. Just because you think it’s his responsibility doesn’t mean he thinks so, too.

In other words, your expectation may or may not be met — because it may or may not be realistic for Chaim. A realistic expectation is one the other person is both willing and able to do. If he’s either not willing or not able, then no matter how reasonable it seems to you, the expectation isn’t realistic for that person, and you’re setting yourself up for repeated disappointment.

There may be many reasons why Chaim isn’t willing or able to take out the garbage. He may be bothered by the sight or smell of an overflowing garbage can, or believe the chore doesn’t require the regularity you deem necessary. He may be disgusted by touching it and lack the ability to push through discomfort. He may struggle with time management or other executive functions and procrastinate unpleasant tasks, convincing himself he really will do it later. He may think it’s beneath his dignity, or not age- or status-appropriate. In other words, Chaim may be emotionally, physically, or developmentally unwilling or unable to take out the garbage.

If this feels unfair, you’re probably right! It’s only natural that you feel resentful. However, unless Chaim has explicitly agreed to take out the garbage, your expectation is a disappointment in the making.

You think it’s his job. He thinks he’s doing you a favor whenever he remembers. That gap builds frustration and anger. We often decide, privately, what we think is fair or correct. Sometimes we can “prove” it with endless examples of how “most people” do it, or how we grew up.

But adults may have different opinions about what’s right — even if we’re very, very sure of ourselves. When those differing beliefs collide, conflict happens. And nagging, whining, wheedling, begging, or going passive-aggressive aren’t conflict-resolution tools. Those are attempts to get someone to do it our way.

Managing expectations doesn’t mean convincing the other person you’re right. It means recognizing reality: Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes we won’t get what we want. Sometimes the expectation we’re holding on to is fantasy, not fact.

You can choose to hold on to that expectation and continue to be disappointed and resentful. Or you can communicate openly and see whether it’s possible to create an agreement.

If you do have an agreement and the other person doesn’t stick to it, then the issue isn’t about expectations anymore. It becomes a matter of learning how to navigate a relationship where the other person doesn’t — or can’t — honor agreements.

Letting go of unrealistic expectations doesn’t mean you’re giving up. You’re choosing reality over the exhausting hope that someone will become who we think they “should” be.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She’s the founder of The Satisfied Self

Changing the Narrative

Tsippy Kraus

H

ow often do we repeat the same behavior and expect a different result?

This happens quite often with birth experiences. A woman goes into her second, third, or subsequent labor hoping things will go more smoothly this time, only to end up disappointed when the experience feels all too familiar. If we truly want a different outcome, we may need to change the narrative.

Three rules for changing your narrative for future change are: Acknowledge and reframe the past, Write your new story, and Align your actions and thoughts with your new narrative.

Here are a few ways to do that when preparing for labor:

Debrief. A debrief with a qualified professional can help you understand the “whys” and the “whats” of your previous births. It can create a perspective and help you create a realistic birth plan for your next experience.

Be better prepared. Take a refresher childbirth education class from a reputable instructor who can help fill in any knowledge or support technique gaps.

Change your provider or hospital. Make sure their philosophy and protocols align with your hopes for your birth.

Strengthen your support team. If you didn’t have a doula last time, consider hiring one. Or help your husband feel more confident by having him attend a birth preparation session.

Let’s not forget though that every birth is unique, and preparation can make a meaningful difference. But ultimately, as much as we plan and hope, Hashem is the One Who decides how each birth unfolds.

Tsippy Kraus is a childbirth educator and birth trauma-release practitioner. She also founded Birth Journeys Online, a prerecorded online childbirth education course for Jewish couples.

Wet-Hair Worries

Dr. Jennie Berkovich

IN

my part of the world, the temperature has begun dropping and my four-year-old keeps asking if it’s “winter yet?” With the cold and wind comes the usual influx of stuffy noses, never-ending coughs, and weeks where it seems like there are more sick than healthy days.

Many parents worry that sending kids outside with wet hair on a cold day is unsafe. The good news is that wet hair itself doesn’t make children more likely to get a viral infection. Colds come from germs, not damp scalps.

However, cold air and low humidity can make it easier for viruses to spread, and wet hair can leave kids feeling chilled or uncomfortable. In rare cases, prolonged exposure to the cold and wet can irritate sinuses or lead to minor cold-related injuries. So while it’s not dangerous, it’s still worth drying their hair for comfort.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician in Chicago and serves as the Director of Education for the Jewish Orthodox Women’s Medical Association (JOWMA)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 975)