There’s no one more uniquely qualified to answer these questions than those who dated for years before they met their bashert

Settle, or wait for Mr. Perfect? There’s no one more uniquely qualified to answer that question than those who dated for years before they met their bashert. They all grappled: Should I revise what I’m looking for? Am I being too picky? How can I get past what other people think so I can make the best decision for me? Now happily married, these women reflect on their experiences, and offer insight and advice to those still in the dating arena

Chaya

Dated 13 years, married at 32

You can build a life with anyone.

That’s what I thought when I started dating at 19. I’d known someone who married at 25; it seemed the end of the world. I was adamant I wasn’t going to end up older and single. So, I was open to anything, having just two and a half criteria when I started dating. I still ended up older and single.

In hindsight, I thank Hashem that my openness didn’t sabotage me. Ironically, the longer I dated, the more I realized I had to have some standards: He had to be kind and menschlich and he had to be inherently frum.

When I was dating, people would tell me they had married someone very different from their original picture, saying, “You can’t be picky, you can’t be so particular.” Was it too much to ask for someone nice? People would go on about how nice a boy was, I’d go out, and someone very different showed up. That’s why there are so many bad date stories.

I used say, “I’ll try to overlook this,” but I had a few deal breakers. When I agreed to go out with someone despite a deal breaker — because I couldn’t be picky, you know — I sobbed on the kitchen floor. I still went out with him. But I couldn’t go forward.

When people are older and single, it makes other people uncomfortable. Our world is constructed around families, and when we see someone who isn’t married, it makes us nervous. No one wants to think, that could be my daughter, my son, still single at 30. So they say, “They’re being picky.” And I’d think, you don’t know me! Marriage is serious. I’ll be spending the rest of my life with this person. It has to be right.

When I met my husband, I knew he was it very quickly. He fit my two and half criteria, and so much more; he’s my Mr. Perfect. Funnily enough, the two of us were redt to each other a number of times since I was 21, but for some reason we didn’t meet until I was over 30.

Looking back, I believe if we’d been set up earlier, it wouldn’t have necessarily worked. A person doesn’t stay in stasis for ten years; one learns, reads, thinks. I discovered who I am and what I needed in a relationship, and “anyone” wasn’t going to cut it. I wasn’t the same person at 31 that I was at 21.

Life is about compromise, there will be disagreements even with the person you skip off into the sunset with. It’s wonderful when a couple gets married at 21, spared a decade of searching and wondering. But everyone has a personal journey in shidduchim — and then in marriage. This was mine.

Devora

Dated 14 years, married at 34

“What’s wrong with you?” people used to say. “Just get married. You’re too picky.”

They didn’t understand that I was trying hard. I went on thousands of dates, but I just wasn’t finding the right person. Every time I met a guy, there was a big element missing: our hashkafos were mismatched, there was no chemistry, we didn’t have similar values, I didn’t enjoy his company. I had multiple broken engagements.

I was 33 when I met my husband. He’d been married previously; his first wife had passed away, and I was the first woman he met after her petirah. When I met my husband, he said, “I don’t understand why you’re still around.” And I said, “Neither do I.”

I tried to be open. If you set me up with a guy and he was a mensch, whatever he was doing, I’d give it a shot. I met all sorts: baalei teshuvah, divorced, with kids, younger, older.

When I met my husband, I thought he was awesome. I had 50 items on my list and he came up on 48 of them. It was ridiculous, but I found myself getting hung up on those other two. Why do I have to settle, I thought, and marry someone who was married before?