“’Kay phew!” I say, my voice extra perky. “How’s it going? How’s school? How’s the mom?”

Shan laughs, a short bitter sound that makes the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. “I wouldn’t know,” she says throatily. “I haven’t really, uh, been going to school.”

I drop the bowl I’m washing back into the sink with a crash. Gross little droplets of dirty sink water hit me in the face, but I don’t brush them away.

“You haven’t?” I say softly. “But why?”

“Because.” Shan’s voice is sharp and rough and very un-Shan like. “What’s the point?”

I don’t have an answer.

“I need to go, Naomi. Thanks for calling.”

I don’t move, frozen by the sink, phone tucked under my ear. And that’s how Libby finds me ten minutes later.

We share a snickerdoodle in silence; Libby makes no comment about fats and sugars, she just chews thoughtfully.

The only sound is the gurgle of water making its choked way down the drain; you can even hear the soap bubbles deflating slowly.

“So….” She breaks the spell.

I blink, look at her. “So,” she says again. “What do we know?”

The snickerdoodle is sweet and fluffy, but it might as well have been sawdust. I swallow some water, help the sawdust go down.

“We know that Shan doesn’t go to school anymore,” I say dully. “And that she sounded… different. Emotionless. Tired. Old.”

Libby smiles faintly at that. “Not old,” she says dramatically. “That’s the worst!”

I grin a little at this. “You know what I mean.”

She nods and plays with a piece of my hair. “I do. Nomes, it’s going to be okay. Life is a roller coaster, you know. Sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down. It doesn’t mean that we’ve given up.”

Given up? Given up on what? Now she’s scaring me. “Libby, what do you mean? Do you know something?”

Libby looks shocked, her perfectly shaped eyebrows jump. “Absolutely not. I just remember, very vividly, what it’s like to be 16. Everything feels… huge.”

I scrape my chair back. “That’s because everything is huge. I’m going to go to sleep, okay? Can you put the challos away?”

Libby leans over and hugs me. I close my eyes, inhaling her Daisy perfume. She’s a great big sister.

“Of course. Chin up, Nomes. Love you.”

I flip through my scribbled pages until I get to a fresh one. Ma’s brown notebook has been getting plenty of attention. I didn’t even know how much I liked to get my feelings down. Learn something new every day and all that. But this… this is new level.

I think of Shan’s flat voice… what’s the point?

And suddenly, my pen is skimming across the page.

They say don’t give up before you’ve begun

And I hear them, I really do

But what if there’s no one holding your hand

Then really, what should you do?

You can’t make it alone, I know that I can’t

And you can’t learn to fly without wings

And if there’s a weight, lodged deep in your throat

There’s no way that you’ll ever sing

So tell me your pain, I’m here and I’m close

And I’m reaching out, though you are far

Share what’s gone bad, and why it’s all wrong

And I’ll meet you wherever you are.

To be continued…

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 970)