Help me complete this Top 10 list. I’ll start with the first 5.

1. Worldly

How would you describe someone who didn’t go to college, but likes talking about podcasts and, in some instances, doesn’t totally agree with Ben Shapiro? Luckily, we have a word for that. He’s worldly! Does he read classic literature, or can he name more than three countries outside of North America and Israel? No? That’s okay, we said worldly, not nerdy. But ask him about anything from the last 24-hour news cycle and he will share his worldly opinion with the confidence of a PhD professor of political science.

2. Heart of Gold

And the silver medal in the marrying-a-wealthy-family Olympics goes to… drum roll… “A Heart of Gold!” While a disappointed prospect may try and look excited, we know they were quietly hoping for actual gold. And if you’re frustrated that it is the personality being described as gold and not the bank account, just wait till you discover how much their opinions are worth. Two cents.

3. The Type

You know The Type? Sure, but is she The Type? Finding The Type must always begin with describing The Type. And the only way to discuss The Type is to preface it with a hei hayediyah — that’s because we’re looking for The Type — A Type need not apply. Of course, if The Type’s application is successful, she might get a promotion to My Type. Hope The Type lives up to the hype.

4. Street Smart

There’s a road in between lamdanim and academics where this individual resides, and it is known as “Street Smart.” To officially qualify for the venerated designation “street smart,” you basically just need to know what street you live on. His rebbi growing up was Dan’s Deals. How else can you explain that despite not having any income, he has 11 credit cards? “Trust me, I know how this stuff works,” he tells his friends nonchalantly, “But if American Express comes around asking for me — we never met.”

5. Top

Ever have the sneaking suspicion that there’s some mild-grade inflation in our yeshivos and seminaries? Meet the hordes of bochurim and girls described as “top,” and you’ll be left with nightmares about what the bottom looks like. Personally, I think guys and girls would be more successful in shidduchim if they strived to be described the same way people talk about my singing — “pretty mediocre, definitely not someone you want to listen to solo, but pleasant to sing along with.”

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 724)