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hul is for davening — mostly. But after the shiurim, at the Kiddush, and bein gavra l’gavra there are always a few individuals who use their time in shul to show off their intellectual prowess. So next time your conversation morphs into what feels like an advanced graduate seminar, there’s a good chance you’re talking to one of these guys.

Gematria Checker

Quote a gematria to this individual and watch his eyes slowly gaze upward as he double-checks the math. He may let you off once or twice for including “im hakolel,” but any more than that and he will not keep your felony gematria offenses to himself or to his Gematria Gotcha Gang. Honestly, catching an incorrect gematria brings them joy. So if you’re in a playful mood, quote a wrong one and let him correct you. He’ll thank you later. That’s why the word ta’us and simchah have the same gematria. Wait a second…

Iran Deal Guy

Do NOT discuss politics with this guy. Sure, he may be an accountant, but after work and once the kids are asleep, his office turns into the headquarters for American-Israeli National Security Policy. He may even have his own PAC. Well, probably not. But from the way he talks during Shalosh Seudos, you never know.

Chassidus Skeptic

Sure, they look happy, but will it last? Nothing raises the ire of this Modern Orthodox all-star member than the exuberance of chassidus. They’ll use the codes “charismatic leadership” and “not so much substance” to passive-aggressively describe their disapproval of this perceived assault on their intellectual superiority.

“I’ve Read It” Guy

Did you just mention a story from The Prime Ministers? Guess what? I read it. Yeah, that Hakirah journal article — read that one too. Article from Caroline Glick? Nailed it. The new biography on the Rebbe? Please. Oh, which one, you ask? All of them.

“He Wasn’t the First to Say It” Guy

You were just inspired by a beautiful idea you heard from Rabbi Frand. Guess what? There’s a Ralbag at the end of Parshas Vayikra that said it first. Sheesh! Make sure you do some comprehensive research before sharing vertlach with this guy. If an obscure Rishon said it first in his unpublished manuscript on Zevachim (MS.Add.a.104), why did you just quote it from Charlie Harary? Frankly, you should know better.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 699)