Well, he’d asked, so she’d tell him the obvious. “Of course you should get someone to cover for you. This is your family barbeque. Why is this even a question?”

Clearly, it wasn’t, considering that he didn’t say another word about it and instead proceeded to call up Dovid and then Yehudis to find out exactly when they were leaving and to tell them which route to take and where to fill up on gas. With that taken care of, he went to the pantry and took out a pack of rice cakes. “Here, pack these along. It’s the best thing for Chananya’s car sickness.”

Sure, sure, whatever you say. An empty stomach was a disaster, but so was a full one. Still, she smiled in appreciation.

Two hours later, they were all in the car, putting up with Shaya’s original gematriya challenges to the backdrop of a Rabbi Juravel story.

“That boy has a weapon of a brain,” Amram murmured to Leebie.

“He does,” she agreed. “I just wish… I wish he would act normal.”

Amram tore his eyes away from the road for a moment. “He could act normal,” he told Leebie sharply. “If you would only be more consistent with him. He needs to be held accountable — it’s the only way.”

A horrible jitter passed over Leebie. “Consistent?” she hissed. “How do you expect me to be consistent when he’s the most consistently inconsistent kid in the world? He has a complete lack of responsibility. Accountability, sure.”

Amram raised the audio volume to drown out their voices. Leebie sat stiffly, clenching her fingers.

“There’s a second thing at play here,” Amram said. “His ego is in the dumps. He has zero confidence in himself. We need to be more forgiving about little things that aren’t chuppah problems and focus on the big picture.”

Leebie’s fingers loosened and she pounced on his words. “Exactly.”

Finally, he was saying something true, even if it completely contradicted his previous claim.

And it’s because of his lack of confidence that I wanted to give him art lessons.

But she didn’t want to bring that up again. Instead, she capitalized on the opportunity to broach a topic that had been sitting on her mind for a long time. “I think we should enroll him in a Kinyan Mishnah type of program. Imagine if he is mesayem Mishnayos in time for his bar mitzvah. That would really boost his confidence.”

She was afraid to look at Amram — and with reason. As she’d suspected, he was shaking his head fiercely. “Those programs sound so beautiful and everything, and they might work for some boys, but believe me, most boys don’t benefit from them. It takes away the entire geshmak of learning. Mishnayos becomes one big pressure, and tons of boys drop out at some point, which makes them feel like losers. No way, we’re not doing that to him.”

There went that. She sank back in her seat, surrendered.

But now, with Amram’s position on the subject clear, he suddenly snapped into his mode — Commander Herzog on duty, firing orders — and proceeded to make his position on a slew of other subjects clear as well.

“Dassi,” he called out to the back, lowering the volume again. “Make sure not to eat any hot dogs tonight, okay? Remember you threw up in the car last year on the way home? We don’t want that to happen again. And Shaya, remember that beautiful vort from the Kotzker you shared with us on Shabbos? I would love if you’d repeat it to Zeidy.  He’s going to love it. Just, please… Can you try not to bite your fingers when you’re talking to him? It’s like, s’pas nisht for such a talmid chacham, right? Just keep your hands behind your back, and then when you’re talking, you’ll look straight at his face. You’ll remember that, right?”

It was on the tip of Leebie’s tongue to ask if this was called being forgiving of non-chuppah problems, but Amram was already on to the next thing. “We need to double-check with Dovid that he’ll take Rikki back to camp. Can you give him a call, Leebie?”

Leebie yawned. “He said he’ll take her. You can trust him.”

He started protesting, then stopped as they drew up behind a line of crawling vehicles. “Oh goodness. Didn’t I tell you we’re going to hit traffic on the 17? I told you Pinchas can do full seder, I knew we wouldn’t get to his camp before six. I’m glad we didn’t have to mess up his learning schedule. The camp hates when parents do that.”

“Maaaa!” Chananya whined. “I’m staaaaaarved!”

“Give him rice cakes,” Amram instructed, and a few minutes later, peering at the kid through his rearview mirror, he said, “See? I told you rice cake is the perfect food.”

You sure did, Commander.

B

ut a little later — a little-a-lot later, thanks to the traffic Amram had so accurately predicted — when they mounted the stairs to Shmuel’s wraparound deck, it was as though the commander had been shamefully demoted.

The tremendous deck was actually overcrowded. Leebie’s gaze immediately hunted for her children. Sruly and Yehudis hadn’t arrived yet, but she spied Dovid standing in a secluded corner. He was doing something on his phone, and Leebie couldn’t help suspecting that he was keeping busy on purpose. From when he was young, Dovid had always avoided mingling with the Herzog cousins.

Baila, on the other hand, was comfortably chatting with the women. Leebie squeezed her way over and grabbed Mordechai out of her arms. “My shmushie-lushie yummy cutie pie!” she squealed, smothering him with kisses.

Shmuel had set up two tables for the kids inside, because, “Kein ayin hara, the family really grew!” After Leebie settled the kids down with food (no hot dogs for Dassi), Shmuel’s wife, Dina, ushered her to a seat at the corner of the table, next to Amram’s sister, Shevy.

Amram, she noticed, was sitting at the corner of the men’s table, a few feet over. Chewing on a piece of steak, her gaze followed his movements as he hesitantly nibbled on French fries.

“I can’t believe you guys are still sticking it out in the city,” Shevy said to Leebie as she spooned coleslaw onto her plate.

Leebie managed to smile and shrug, but her ears were perked, following the men’s conversation.

“Oooh, that came up at our board meeting last week,” Ari was saying. He was addressing Shmuel, who was standing with his grilling tongs right behind Amram, and talking right over Amram’s head, as though he wasn’t there. “I told Meyerovitz we’re going to make it happen, and he just doesn’t believe it. Listen, I have my plans. Give it until Chanukah, he’ll have to believe it then, when he actually sees it happening.”

She had no idea what her brothers-in-law were talking about, and from the uncertain look on Amram’s face, he didn’t either. Esther’s husband, Menachem, and Amram’s brother Gedalya leaned in and joined the conversation, and before long, the chevreh was talking and laughing and exchanging what sounded like the juiciest jokes — for those in the know.

Her father-in-law sat between his sons, openly kvelling. He also added his comments and shared his own jokes, and the whole scene was just plain… astounding.

At one point, when fresh steaks were brought out and the chatter slowed while the men took the food, Amram gave a little cough and said, “By the way, rabboisai, if anyone’s planning to travel in August, I have some really good flight deals…”

Gedalya responded with a polite, “Oh, nice. No airplanes for us this year, hmm…” and Zeidy Herzog looked like he hadn’t even heard. And then Ari suddenly remembered a funny thing that had happened on Shabbos in his bungalow colony’s shul, and before long, everyone was laughing again, and the Grand Annual Herzog Family Barbeque was back in full swing.

Leebie turned away and tuned in to the conversation at her own table. She had no problem making small talk with her sisters-in-law, and as long as her kids weren’t underfoot, she enjoyed catching up with everyone. Her salad was a hit, and Esther even asked for the recipe.

But when Dina came out carrying dessert — a whole variety of fancy popsicles — Leebie saw Amram summon Shaya over, and tensed.

Don’t, she tried telepathizing. She did not have a good feeling about this Kotzker vort idea.

Helplessly, she watched Amram murmur in Shaya’s ear, then make him stand up on a chair to address the crowd.

Zeidy and the uncles smiled up at the boy, and Shaya’s fingers automatically gravitated to his mouth. Amram snapped his fingers and shook his head urgently, motioning for him to put his hands behind his back, but Shaya just went from finger to finger, biting his skin as he mumbled his way through his vort. For the first two minutes, Zeidy and the uncles tried listening, then some of them started whispering between each other. By the time Shaya stepped down, nobody even remembered that he’d gotten up to talk at all.

Fury rushed through Leebie’s blood. Amram was going to get it from her. What had he been thinking? Didn’t he know this was going to happen?

At the same time, she wanted to kick herself. She should never have allowed this. At Akeres, she was always alert to every mother’s sensitivities, always around to protect any discomfort. How had she abandoned her own son like this? As his mother, she should be his greatest advocate.

But when she saw Amram’s dejected face as they headed for their car, she bit back her entire tirade.

“I guess we don’t have the best oratory skills,” Amram said bitterly when the kids were all back in the car. He leaned his foot against the trunk, a wistful expression on his face. “When I was fourteen years old, I prepared a whole complicated pilpul to say at the seder, about the Arba’ah Banim.” His voice was soft, slightly removed. “I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now, but… I remember the whole thing, word for word. I…” He gave an embarrassed chuckle. “I practiced. I had this whole image in my mind, how I would say it, all calmly and naturally, and my father would….”

He stamped his foot down on the asphalt of Shmuel’s driveway. “Whatever. Not everybody is cut out to talk, huh? Anyway, let’s get going.”

Leebie dug her shoe in the grassy pit off the driveway. She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t come up with the right words. Amram was… this wasn’t Amram. Her whole body was overcome by pity.

Quietly, she followed him around to the front of the car. As they sat into their seats, Shmuel came by and waved. “Hey, Amram, all set? Thanks so much for coming! It’s so nice to spend time with the whole family together like this.”

Amram nodded. “Yeah, you really know how to host. I’m sure you worked very hard. Thanks…”

Shmuel waved it off. “Oh, and your couple is so sweet! I didn’t have a chance to chat with your new eidem, but he looks like a chatchke of a yungerman.” Then he slapped Amram on the back and gave a hearty laugh. “Nu, bro, so you married off a daughter, eh? Weeeell… we all know what that means. All I can say is… congratulations! You just became a bank. Ha ha!”

To be continued…

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 931)