One gift at a time, we’ve reached the land of crazy

I know, it’s easy for me to talk — I’m not up to making weddings yet. From the safety of my Perler beads mess, I’m free to decry the flaws of the wedding-making society.

But from my crouched position, vacuum cleaner hose aimed at non-reachable corners, I benefit from the neutrality of an outsider’s perspective. Which means, when my sister calls to tell me that her kallah-daughter just got the most elaborate Purim Katan gift package, I’m not thinking, Help, I need to send my son’s kallah a Purim Katan gift package. I’m thinking, This is crazy. This is totally and completely crazy.

I’m not sure when this shift happened. I guess it was one gift at a time that brought us to this day. A day when a kallah will, without question, acquire a weekday bag, an evening bag, a cell phone purse, a jewelry roll, and a cosmetic bag, all with designer names and whistle-inducing price tags, during her engagement. Bags that her own mother — and more so, her chassan’s mother — never dreamed of owning. A day when the chassan’s siblings anticipate their custom gift packages of personalized swim bags, water bottles, monogramed towels and bathrobes, and designer sunglasses, along with a supermarket aisle of nosh before they head out to camp. After all, their brother is engaged. Everyone whose brother is engaged gets such a package.

Of course, when the chassan and kallah exchange gifts on Purim, their parents and siblings exchange gifts as well. Sometimes the mechutanim will exchange the very same (designer) cake stands that neither party has any use for. They need to do this, because that’s what everyone does.

I know a kallah who received a gift every Friday of her engagement. That totally makes sense. It’s Erev Shabbos and she’s a kallah!

When I was engaged — and considering that I’m still up to the Perler bead-cleanup stage, you know it wasn’t that many years ago — I got a gift for my engagement, a gift before every Yom Tov, and a gift for my birthday. I also got a nice gift package with my siddur and leichter Erev Shabbos aufruf, and earrings in the yichud room. By the time I got married, I’d gotten a diamond ring, diamond bracelet, gold watch, a pearl necklace (I know, I know), diamond earrings, and even a diamond pin from a loving grandmother. (I said, I know.) Imagine getting all that jewelry in the span of a few months!

I got a gift for every occasion.

Turns out, I’ve been cheated. Compared to the kallahs of “today,” a mere few years later, my gift collection was measly. I mean, I didn’t even get a weekday watch!

Apparently, the Jewish calendar doesn’t provide enough gifting occasions. Therefore, mechutanim search for unique opportunities to exchange gifts. If the chassan or kallah attends a future cousin’s wedding or bar mitzvah, you give a gift. If either of the engaged parties travel, you send a gift. Lag B’omer and Shabbos Nachamu were added to the list of legal Yamim Tovim decades ago, but now, a random day that a kallah goes to work is a holiday, and she’ll get a fancy lunch from her mechutanim delivered to the office. After all, she woke up! She went to work! Let’s celebrate!

One kallah I know got a Bosch mixer in honor of “Shabbos Schlissel Challah.”

A certain chassan was gifted with a “shiluach hakein package” in honor of Lag B’omer. Don’t ask me what the connection was.

It’s the onus of mechutanim to find more and more occasions to ply Her Royal Highness 18-year-old with all the gifts she’s entitled to. When the girl remains behind in the city because of her job while her parents go upstate for the summer, she needs a condolence gift. If, let’s say, the kallah’s parents travel during the engagement, leaving the kallah behind to take care of the family, that’s an incredible gifting opportunity. What you need to buy the kallah on that day is a beautiful set of chargers — a service of 12, obviously, for the day she’ll host her own married children — and the accompanying poem should be all about how amazing the girl is for “taking charge” while her parents “recharge.” Of course, you shouldn’t forget to send along prizes and activities for all the kids staying home under her care, to make them better cooperate with their big sister, the esteemed kallah.

I recently heard about a kallah who got a cute, creative “blue” gift package from her future in-laws — “Out of the Blue.” Next thing I know, an excited mechuteneste sends an “Out of the Blue” gift package to her kallah. Okay, so the first mechuteneste had a cute idea. But if this is going to become a trend, it’ll be anything but cute. Kallah 1 to Kallah 2: “Did you get your ‘Out of the Blue’ gift package already?” (My sister just corrected me. It’s called a “Just Because” package. Looks like we’re not talking about a future reality. It’s in effect as of this writing.)

At one point during her engagement, every kallah will receive a cool wedding countdown gift. And of course, the gift itself is small fry. The presentation and accessories that come along with the gift indicate how excited about the shidduch the mechutanim truly are. (A smart kallah will arrange to get a wisdom tooth extracted during her engagement. Surely, that occasion would earn her a gift. An electric toothbrush and Waterpik?)

There’s no limit to creativity. If you put your mind to it, you could come up with something unique and appropriate for every day of the engagement. A breakfast package for an oldest-son chassan Erev Pesach morning, for Taanis Bechorim. A silver matzah holder for Pesach Sheini. An electric shaver for Shloshes Yemei Hagbalah. And another milchig-wafer-cake-themed mishloach manos for Shavuos — but you knew that already, right?

Call me a cynic. Call me a Perler-bead snob. Tell me I’m a big talker, that you want to see what I will do when the day comes. And I know, when my son will im yirtzeh Hashem be a chassan, I’ll want to show his kallah how excited I am. I won’t want her to feel like she’s getting anything less than all her friends are getting.

But on that day when I bend and conform, I will still need to admit, This is crazy.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 903)