There’s just something about that, “I don’t want to go to school” morning drama that is absolutely stressful!

The School-Morning Standoff

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz

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his morning was rough. Two of my kids didn’t want to go to school.

It seems that no matter how much I believe that kids can do hard things and there’s no need to panic when they’re facing a challenge, there’s just something about that, “I don’t want to go to school” morning drama that is absolutely stressful! I feel it in my stomach. My mind races. I worry even after they’ve walked out the door.

When these mornings happen, I try to pause and remind myself of a few fundamental beliefs that ground me:

• What am I worried about? Am I worried they’ll have a terrible day? Is there something I’ve neglected as a parent? Am I concerned that other parents will judge me for dragging a reluctant child through the school doors?
• Kids can be okay and uncomfortable. I have to remind myself of this absolute truth. Discomfort doesn’t equal damage. They can feel reluctant and annoyed to go to school and still be okay, well-adjusted kids.
• I did this as a kid (and teenager)! As a parent, I want my kids to be happy, excited, and comfortable going to school. But as a kid? I often disliked going to school and would use any excuse possible to get out of it! I wasn’t traumatized — I was a normal kid who preferred staying home (cue the shock!)
• Feelings are fluid. While it’s hard to leave a cozy bed or PJs, get out the door, and sometimes hard to be at school, things naturally evolve, circumstances change. A new friend is made, a teacher shares an encouraging word, something clicks in Chumash. Feelings are fluid. These morning struggles feel enormous in the moment, but they’re often just part of the messy, complicated, and necessary friction of growing up and they’re dynamic; they regularly change.

Four ways to support school-refusal mornings:

• Validate their feelings first: “It sounds like you really don’t want to go today. That feeling makes sense sometimes. It’s hard for me to…. sometimes.”
• Keep your energy calm: Your anxiety feeds theirs. I see this over and over in my own home. Take three deep breaths before responding to their resistance.
• Stick to the routine: Acknowledge the struggle, offer comfort, but still move through the morning steps. Consistency provides security even when they’re protesting.
• Special surprises: Sometimes, kids need special surprises. An iced coffee or hot chocolate in the morning. A candy in their lunch. An opportunity to be picked up 20 minutes early for some one-on-one time.

Remember that resistance to going to school doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent or that your child is fragile. Often, it doesn’t even mean there’s anything specifically troubling at school. Remind yourself: Tomorrow morning might be completely different, and that’s the beautiful unpredictability of raising humans.

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz is an educational consultant. She is the author of How to Stop Caring What Others Think: For Real and Always On: An Interactive Parents’ Guide to the (Dis)Connected Generation.

On Our Hearts

Shira Savit
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any of us women are constantly working on ourselves, trying to be more patient, more present, kinder to ourselves, or to develop a healthier relationship with food. We invest sincere effort, yet the changes we’re aiming for don’t always appear.

Even when we’re paying attention and taking steps to improve, it can feel like we’re not making progress. We might notice our triggers, eat slower, sit with our feelings instead of numbing them with food, and make different choices — but old habits still persist. That gap between effort and visible results can feel frustrating, leaving us wondering if all the work is really making a difference.

It’s easy to assume that if we don’t see results, the effort we’re putting in isn’t accomplishing anything.

But that’s not how real growth works.

The Kotzker Rebbe gives us a powerful insight into this. In Shema, the pasuk says, “V’hayu hadevarim ... al levavecha, place these words on your heart,” instead of in your heart. The Kotzker explains that the heart opens in its own time. Our job isn’t to push the change or make it happen immediately.

Every mindful choice we make, every moment we act with compassion, and every small decision to do things a little better is being placed on our heart. Even if it hasn’t fully penetrated yet, it’s resting there. When the heart softens and opens, the changes we’ve been working on will start to make a huge difference in our life.

Keep showing up. Keep doing the work, baby step by baby step. The heart opens in its own time, and when it does, you’ll experience the change you’ve been working toward.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC, is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

Deciding Yesterday

Shoshana Schwartz

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t’s midnight. One internal voice says, “Go to sleep.” Another cajoles, “One more chapter!” Or maybe it’s, “Just one more bite!”

If this negotiation grows heated and loud, the indecision can ramp up your anxiety, and drown out both intuition and logic. Moments that invite indulgence or flexibility — like Purim — tend to turn up the volume on these internal debates. Instead of making a value-based decision, you may take the easier path — the path that quiets the noise, rather than the one that serves you long-term.

How can you make a value-based decision, instead of reacting to anxiety?

Decide yesterday, when your values speak louder than your itch to read/eat/watch just one more. Since this decision is only binding tomorrow, not a lifetime, it lowers your resistance to committing. Whether your internal debates tend toward the number of chapters or chocolates, creating balanced boundaries when you’re well-resourced sets you up for success.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She is the founder of The Satisfied Self.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 983)