Running a functional household involves dozens of tasks, from changing the water in the fishbowl to cleaning the bathtub to stocking milk and cereal. There are daily tasks like dishes and decluttering, and seasonal tasks like changing wardrobes and packing children for camp. There are non-physical tasks: taking care of bills, legalities, and health appointments; religious duties like holiday preparations; and socioemotional duties like keeping in touch with parents and grandparents, remembering birthdays, buying gifts, and making time to connect with spouses and children.

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, author of I Didn’t Sign Up for This: A Couples Therapist Shares Real-Life Stories of Breaking Patterns and Finding Joy in Relationships… Including Her Own, talks about the “invisible labor” of domestic life, the small tasks that no one notices until they aren’t done. These could be changing the roll of toilet paper, stocking the pantry, or putting laundered clothing back in drawers.

Although modern couples — with both spouses working — usually divide these tasks to some extent, most research has shown that, in practice, women still shoulder most of the burden. “Women tend to automatically assume they’re in charge of the home and the kids (and their husbands share that assumption!),” writes Azriela Jaffe in Permission to Prosper: What Working Wives Crave from their Husbands — and How to Get It. “Men feel less compelled to clean up the house — first of all, they may not have much in the way of housekeeping skills, and often they learn that if they procrastinate long enough, their wives will step in and do it for them.” Sarah Chana adds that many men claim, “My mother used to do everything,” or “My father never lifted a finger.” With expectations like these, if they do anything at all, they feel that they’ve gone five extra miles.

How can you figure out if your perception of shouldering too much of the burden is true? Eve Rodsky, who trained in organizational management at Harvard before marrying and starting a family, wrote a book called Fair Play about how to best organize household workflow. Based on her book, she invented a game by the same name. The Fair Play game has cards depicting the various chores necessary to keep a home running, such as laundry, shopping, and yard work. Each partner chooses the cards that correspond to their usual duties. One couple who posted their game experience online discovered that the wife ended up with four times as many cards as her husband.

Rodsky came out with her game in 2019, but it took off a few years later, when Covid kept everyone stuck at home and families clearly saw who was doing what. “I heard about Fair Play as a game that lifts household tasks out of the emotional arena and externalizes them,” says relationship coach Basya Gutmann, LCSW. “It lays out what needs to be done and asks people to choose what works for them. However, every person is so different, so a couple should decide for themselves if playing it will lead to cooperation and harmony.” (see sidebar)

Sarah Chana says that you can divide chores according to traditional roles if that’s most comfortable for both spouses — the woman manages the home, cooking, and social life; the man takes care of repairs, finances, and outdoor work. Or you can do a less traditional division, such as the wife being responsible for suppers Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays while the husband gets Tuesdays and Thursdays. It doesn’t really matter. The main goal is that both parties feel satisfied and neither feels as though the other is taking advantage of them.

How Did We Get There?

A couple’s division of labor evolves with the family and tends to settle into fixed patterns over time. When couples first get married, they can be more flexible about who does what. A husband in kollel may be able to pick up the baby from the babysitter or get supper started. But as the family grows, the mother often cuts back to spend more hours at home, the father often has greater outside commitments, and couples tend to slip into a more traditional division of labor. “Even many women working full-time still feel the children and the kitchen are their domain,” Sarah Chana says. “That’s a Jewish view. But we don’t have many examples of how to handle things when the woman moves into the man’s realm of making money for the family [full-time].”

Rabbi Reuven Epstein, a marriage and dating speaker, author, counselor, and founder of The Marriage Project (marriagepro.co), believes that the number one reason many couples struggle is because they become immersed in their respective responsibilities and start disconnecting from each other. They focus on themselves and their duties rather than the marriage, and expect that the other spouse will provide them with their typical contributions. “As the shared responsibilities grow, ten years later, they feel like they don’t know each other anymore, and now it’s a family of nine instead of three,” he says. In the meantime, they’ve slid into routines that keep the family unit functioning, which is fine until one partner begins to feel overburdened.

Some wives create a monster through “misplaced niceness” or a desire to retain control over the homefront. Misplaced niceness, Sarah Chana explains, means a woman wants to be an eishes chayil who makes everything easy and pleasant for her husband all the time, to the extent that her own needs become nullified. The wife’s desire to be nice to her husband by taking over most of the household work will come back to bite her when she finds herself with no space for self-care and resentment begins to fester.

Women who want to control everything struggle between their desire to maintain control and feeling overwhelmed after taking on too much. “Battle fatigue,” in Sarah Chana’s terms, means that a wife has asked her husband numerous times to help, but when she feels that she isn’t getting anywhere, she just gives up. In all these cases, the wife herself has enabled the situation, and has contributed to the fact that she’s scrubbing stoves and fridges Erev Pesach while her husband sits on the couch, reading the newspaper.

Rabbi Epstein stresses that couples should not perceive their responsibilities as favors to the other spouse. Preparing for Pesach, for example, is something that all Jewish families need to accomplish as a unit. “You’re not doing your husband a favor by taking care of the children,” he stresses. “Nor is he doing you a favor by making parnassah. He is working or learning for both of you. You are caring for children and the home and maybe working for both of you.”

In other words, you shouldn’t constantly be keeping track of who’s doing more. “For everyday issues, accept them and don’t keep score,” says marriage coach Mark Jala of Happy Marriage Coaching. “Keeping score makes the marriage a competition. You are partners, not competitors.”

Rabbi Epstein adds that the division of labor between spouses should not become so rigid that if one of them goes away for a week, the other cannot function. “I’m a CPA, and I’ve seen widows who don’t know how to write a check,” he says. “Both spouses should have some basic skills. They should try going away for a few days once a year independently, so each learns to take over the other’s functions. A woman whose husband claims he’s incapable of handling bedtime will wind up a prisoner at night because only he can go out. Maybe you want him to cook but he just can’t do it — or can’t do it yet.”

The household division of labor may continue to change with circumstances over the course of a marriage. Raizel’s husband retired while she remained a teacher; it soon began to bother her that he was home many more hours with plenty of discretionary time, but assumed she would continue doing all the cooking and housework. “If that bothers Raizel, let her teach him how to put a chicken in the oven!” Sarah Chana says. “Today, it’s not considered demeaning for a man to make supper.”

She adds that as long as a man is doing something his wife respects, which accords with both spouses’ ideas of a worthwhile, appropriate activity, she will give him leeway. For example, in a frum couple, a wife realizes her husband will need to absent himself for a portion of the day to go to shul and/or learn.

“When my husband was home on his computer reading the news while I was out working, it bothered me that he expected me to keep doing all the household work,” Raizel says. “But then, he started to spend his mornings learning with young men in a kiruv yeshivah and his afternoons stocking Bikur Cholim pantries. He was busy doing things we both see as valuable, so I no longer cared that I was still handling laundry and supper.”

Malka had to take over everything when her husband became sick, from shopping to keeping on top of the bills, but obviously, it was a special situation that was no one’s fault. “When imbalances are caused by necessity, they can be shouldered with love,” Rabbi Epstein says.

Appreciation Makes the Difference

Randi Minetor, author of Breadwinner Wives and the Men They Marry, says that she used to feel that her husband, Nic, “had the life of Riley, while I smoldered like Vesuvius.” She worked full-time while her husband, with a lighter schedule, still expected her to take care of the house. After many fights, she finally realized that the real issue was not about fairness but her own need to be recognized and appreciated. She wanted her work to be acknowledged as the act of love it was, instead of feeling it was taken for granted.

Shevi* feels the same way. “I work hard at a job and also manage almost everything at home,” she says. “I’m pretty energetic and I don’t mind, but I don’t like to feel like everyone’s maid either. My husband and kids seem to think the dishes and their clothing magically get washed and put away, the pantry magically blossoms food, and toilet paper rolls automatically replace themselves. They don’t see that I’m the invisible angel in the house making it all happen, and that the effort often leaves me exhausted.” Yet all it takes is a few words of appreciation from Shevi’s husband to reenergize her and make her feel seen and appreciated.

Appreciation goes both ways. A husband who does the dishes or laundry wants to be appreciated for his efforts, too. Even more importantly, he does not want to be criticized by his wife for not having done it to her exacting standards. “Among guys, unsolicited advice is felt as rude and insulting,” Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, the Shmuz, has said in an online class (theshmuz.com). “He wants to feel competent and respected, but ‘suggestions’ make him feel disrespected and incompetent.” Once criticized, husbands might withdraw and disengage, which creates a vicious cycle. Fearing more criticism, he stops offering his help, fueling the wife’s conviction that he does “nothing.”

Fights about divvying up household responsibilities sometimes mask deeper issues in a marriage. For example, when a child leaves socks on the floor instead of in the hamper, a mother may scold him but will tolerate it; when a husband does the same, the wife may feel it’s indicative of a larger issue — that he doesn’t care about her and shows no consideration for her.  Dr. Dalgleish says that in many cases, “Neither is willing to talk about their own thoughts and feelings. Instead, they keep focus on the other person’s behavior. In therapy, we call this externalization. It’s common for people to want to stay in their frustrations and blame something outside themselves.” When she and her husband began to fight after the birth of their first child, she avows that their son’s birth brought out unmet childhood needs and previous flaws in their communication.

She notes, “Our relationships disagreements are not really about the dishes, the in-laws, the kids… They’re about the unmet attachment needs and longing that we all carry inside.” When a couple is fighting about who does housework or childcare, it’s important to read the emotional messages underlying the anger. A husband may really be saying, “You don’t understand how hard I work at my job and how much I need to relax when I get home,” or “I hate helping you out because it’s never good enough for you and you just harp at me.” A wife may really be saying, “I do so much for you out of love, but you don’t reciprocate with loving communication,” or “I feel abandoned when you go meet your chavrusa and I’m struggling with bedtime alone.”

See the Bigger Picture

It’s easy to heap blame on other people, but Sarah Chana says that sometimes it’s only fair to pause and ask yourself, “When I come up short on responsibilities, what are my excuses?” When you didn’t manage to get the laundry done, didn’t you have a good reason? Maybe your husband also has a good reason. He forgot to take out the trash because he got an emergency call from work, or his sister called with a problem.

Many men are simply unaware. Randi Minetor recounts in her book that when she complained to her Baby Boomer husband that she was spending all her weekends doing laundry, it didn’t even occur to him to offer to help. Instead, thinking he was being helpful, he suggested, “So why don’t you just throw in a load every day after work?” Men are not mind readers, Sarah Chana reminds us. You can’t expect them to know what you need or want unless you make it clear. Basya adds, “Don’t tell yourself, ‘He should just know what I want.’ Write it down!”

Sarah Chana suggests identifying which areas are challenging for your spouse. “There are men who are willing but forgetful,” she says. “Some are do-it-later people, which sometimes translates into putting it off so long that the spouse steps in to do it. Some will do a partial job, while others will claim incompetence or refusal (‘I don’t know how’ or ‘I’m too busy, I just make the money’).” It may be most useful to figure out which things he is most comfortable doing and start with those. In some cases, a husband may truly be unable to step up to the plate. If you know, for example, that your husband has no talent or inclination for the kitchen, you’ll be less likely to rail about him being lazy or inconsiderate when that task falls to you (unless you’re equally clueless in the kitchen). Sometimes, a husband has a physical condition that prevents him from helping.

Or there may be a psychological issue. “There are many couples where one of the partners suffers from low self-esteem, a result of childhood issues,” Rabbi Epstein says. “That will spill into a marriage. Some of these people can’t follow through on responsibilities or hold down a job. If you confront such people, they become afraid and may run in the other direction, and they might only improve with therapy.”

If your husband is under-functioning across the board, Sarah Chana says, he may have some special needs. “You have to try to maximize the strengths he does have. Of course, if you mishandle a husband, and compensate too much for his failings, you may turn him into a special needs spouse when he isn’t one!”

It sometimes happens that one or both spouses are dealing with some form of ADHD, and/or lacking executive function skills. “If your spouse has real limitations, you may end up with a heavier load to carry,” she explains. “Yet in some ways, that realization can make a woman feel less taken advantage of. There are women who realize after seven kids that their spouse has a real disability. That brings a certain period of mourning over what she feels could have been.”

And if both of you really can’t handle certain tasks, consider outside help. Whatever it costs, it’s surely cheaper than endless stress, physical illness, or household dysfunction.

Enlisting Cooperation

A wife who is getting progressively angrier needs to let her husband know — calmly — what the emotional consequences are for his failure to do his share. Sarah Chana says that she should tell him, “Here’s how I will feel if you keep expecting me to take care of bedtime every night/take out the garbage/do all the shopping/etc.” The wife directs the emphasis to her own feelings rather than accusing her husband of being delinquent in his responsibilities.

Basya points out that making your husband feel like a villain, incompetent, or a failure is counterproductive. “He will sink to the occasion,” she says. “We learn from Mishlei [27:19] that ‘as water reflects the face, so does the heart of man to man.’ Treating him with respect and compassion may inspire him to mirror the same behavior and feelings back to you. This leadership role can be very painful and lonely at first, but with patience and relative consistency, you may cultivate a culture of friendship.” Marriage coach Laura Doyle, author of The Empowered Wife, calls this the “spouse-fulfilling prophecy.” She advises ignoring your husband’s flaws to focus on the good, a gratitude approach that accords well with a Torah perspective.

Doyle states that every complaint is a “lazy desire,” or unexpressed wish. “Your husband can’t hear you when you say, ‘This place is a mess!’” she writes. “You might as well have said, ‘Blah blah blah.’ He’s not going to jump off the couch and start dusting. But if you say, ‘I would love to have a clean kitchen,’ now he knows how to make you happy.” Rabbi Epstein likewise recommends a positive approach of playing on a husband’s desire to please, especially in a way that doesn’t make him feel like a failure. Phrases like “You know what I would love” or “It would mean the world to me if you would…” let your needs be heard in a nonaggressive way.

But keep in mind that there’s no quick fix, Basya says. She recommends a “long-short” way to get there. Approach your husband with dignity, evoking his natural desire to please. Let him know that it would make you happy if he could help with something specific. When he does it, don’t demand perfection. Over time, you may find he’ll get better at it.

Rabbi Epstein concurs. “You have to develop the muscles,” he says. “It often will take five or six times until a behavior ‘catches.’ If you give your spouse a shopping list and he comes back with three items missing, don’t yell or give up, even if you have to go back to the store yourself. In a few months, you’ll get what you want. It’s the same way with children! They don’t have all the skills yet, and you need patience to train them and bring out the best in them. These are just muscles that were never exercised.”

If you want help with the dishes, but your husband does a poor job of it, he suggests doing it together to model the right way and turn the chore into a shared activity. “Talk to each other while you get it done, and give compliments,” he suggests. “Turn it into a bonding time. A lot of time resentment comes when a spouse feels he or she is doing a job all alone and feels abandoned. This restores the sense of being in this together.”

Catch your husband doing it right, Doyle says. “Just noticing his efforts to make your life better, however small, will do two great things: First, it will help you shift your focus to what you want instead of what you don’t want. As a fringe benefit, he’ll feel appreciated and respond to you better. If you’ve already tried the other way, where you tell him everything he’s doing wrong, and it didn’t work, what hurt could it do to experiment with a novel approach?” Then, when he does something good, lavish him with praise. “He just wants to make you happy, so if he thinks he succeeded, he’s going to remember that.”

“You have to take the wide-angle view,” Basya Gutmann says. “Hashem gives us marriage to help us become more compassionate and forgiving people. You can ask yourself, ‘What does Hashem want me to accomplish by having this recurring nisayon?’ Respecting your husband’s individuality and different values are part of your development as a Jew. The wisdom of knowing when to be an ezer and when to be a k’negdo is also important. In the end, our job is to show up dignified.”

Playing Fair

I was so intrigued by Fair Play, Eve Rodsky’s card game for couples, that I got my hands on a set and recruited my neighbors Chezky and Etty to play it together. The game has a stack of cards with different household and family tasks. You begin by sorting them into all the tasks necessary and relevant to your household, putting aside the ones that don’t apply to you (such as lawn care for apartment dwellers). Cards for tasks that aren’t absolutely necessary but appeal to one partner more than the other (e.g., playing sports with the kids) are given to the partner who likes to take care of them.

Chezky works full-time and Etty works part-time, so a lot of their tasks divided along traditional lines: She takes care of cooking and most daily childcare, while he takes care of paperwork, car maintenance, and handyman tasks. For many of the tasks, they were clear on who did what. “Screen time and discipline are both of us,” Chezky said. “Mail and bills are me. Birthday celebrations and buying gifts are my wife.”

For others, it was less clear. “Charity, community service, and good deeds? Teaching values?” Etty said. “That’s both of us! Why would that fall to one person in a Jewish family? Holidays? Of course that’s me!”

“But it’s not,” Chezky pointed out. “You prepare the food and buy clothes for the kids, but I’m the one who puts up the succah, burns and sells the chometz, sets up the menorah. On Shabbos you prepare the house and food but I take the boys to shul and Avos Ubanim.”

They realized their tasks often didn’t fall into the clear divisions suggested by the game. Chezky gets breakfast for the kids in the mornings and wakes up if a preschooler has a nightmare, but Etty does bedtime and prepares the rest of their meals. As a young couple in their thirties, their tasks are more fluid and equally shouldered than in previous generations. Nevertheless, the game highlighted the way their family life is organized and who really does what.

At the end, each person fills out a “Unicorn” card. Each person is supposed to write down what he would like to do if he had the time, items such as going swimming or learning to paint. Then the partners can discuss how they can juggle family tasks to allow each one the time to pursue their interest. But Chezky and Etty are satisfied with the status quo and feel they find enough “me” time in their weeks.

At least until the next baby arrives, im yirtzeh Hashem…

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 909)