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his is the conversation Miriam has with her 12-year-old son at the end of every school day. “He’ll come home and say the least he can get away with,” Miriam says. “My husband and I wonder how it’s possible that ‘nothing much’ happened at school an entire day.”

Her two older children weren’t this reticent, and while Miriam readily admits that her third was always more reserved, lately there seems to be a pronounced difference. He now seems determined to avoid conversation.

Miriam’s not alone. Many mothers face the challenge of uncommunicative sons, especially teenage ones. Their reaction is often one of concern, as they ask themselves: Was he always this quiet? Is he cutting me out? Is this reticence a cause for concern?

Society’s Burden

Quiet boys defy cultural expectations of the strong male leader, and when our boys don’t fit the bill, we may grow unnecessarily concerned. “More often than not, this is a temperament,” says Dr. Tammy Fetman, professor of Early Childhood Development at Touro College. “A more quiet child can be perfectly normal and content.”

She suggests that it’s best to recognize and embrace a child’s unique temperament, rather than believe they are lacking in some way because of it. “We need to recognize that a more quiet child can be perfectly normal and content,” Tammy says.

At the same time, she cautions against labeling children as a certain personality type, which can be limiting if they want to develop other sides of themselves.

Studies have shown that among younger children up to middle school, there are about an equal number of shy girls and shy boys. But society reacts differently to the trait of quietness in boys and girls. We generally praise girls for their shyness and quietude, viewing it as a valuable trait for a girl to possess. Not so for boys. They’re usually discouraged from being passive and encouraged to be more assertive and forthcoming with their opinions.

“Many of us were raised with the idea that boys should be like this and girls should be like that, and if the boy isn’t, then there’s something wrong. You don’t want to take that approach,” says Dr. Fetman.

Rabbi Boruch Rabinowitz has been in chinuch for over 32 years, teaching at Mesivta Ohr Torah in Queens and Yishiva Tiferes Torah in Staten Island. He most recently served as menahel of Mesivta Torah Vodaas. Over the course of his career, he has seen all kinds of boys and personality types.

He recalls an incident, about ten years ago, when a mother complained to him about how quiet her son was. She said it was hard to get him to express himself. Rabbi Rabinowitz saw this in yeshivah, as well.

“After half a year of listening her to complain, I told her to come in with her husband,” says Rabbi Rabinowitz. “Maybe we could come up with a solution. At first, she didn’t want to come with her husband, but I said I needed to speak to both of them. They came in, and it did not take five minutes for me to realize the son is exactly like his father in every way. The nuances, the eye movements, the personality, the expressiveness — or the lack thereof.

“At one point, I found an excuse to ask the father to go the beis medrash with his son. I then said to the mother, ‘I don’t get it. Your son is exactly like your husband. This is what you chose.’ She was silent for a bit, and then said, ‘I love my husband. He’s an amazing person, but one thing I can’t stand is his quietness. I don’t want my son to be the same way.’”

(Excerpted from Family First, Issue 637)