Ahuva of Queens, NY, who owns a business with her husband and mentors, says she believes it’s her sincerity that attracts people to her. “I genuinely like people… even more difficult people. I’m more likely to notice the good in people, before the bad. When people notice they’re sincerely appreciated, they respond in kind.”

Part of the magic of popularity seems to be due to an innate understanding of people, says Prinstein. “They read the room, they understand what’s happening…” he explains.

A popular person is a people person, doesn’t make waves, and instinctively knows how to make others feel good. That includes knowing how to make people laugh. Naomi, who recently relocated to South Bend, Indiana, says her sense of humor is what seems to attract her many friends. According to her, it’s all about how you make others feel.

“People like being around others who make them feel special. When I mentioned a small detail of a story an acquaintance had shared a while back, she was surprised I remembered. She realized I’d really listened to her, that I care about what she has to say. I’ve learned that reflecting someone’s feelings back to them and being genuinely empathetic make others feel comfortable, listened to, and shows them that you really care about them.”

Prinstein says another common quality of popular people is their ability to balance appropriate assertiveness with the needs of others. Carducci agrees.

That would explain why shy people are not usually wildly popular. “Shyness is like being in front of a mirror all day long, constantly focusing on your own weaknesses or flaws. Popular people focus on others instead of obsessing about themselves,” Carducci explains.

Lingering Impact

Ultimately, Prinstein says, popularity is as much part of the adult playground as it is on the children’s. Some adults can walk into a room and people will flock to them, while others will attend every single social event and yet still feel excluded.

In high school, social status mattered to us a lot, and because our brains were growing and forming back then, Prinstein says, the social experiences we had continue to affect us today. In fact, Prinstein says, “Those old confrontations with popularity are the very basis for your adult personality… there’s something about our popularity in youth that seems to remain a part of who we are, as if it’s become deeply embedded in our souls forever… it can impact the decisions we make, relationships we form, how we raise our children, usually in ways we’re not even aware of….”

Part of this boils down to a process called “reflected appraisal” that adolescents experience, which refers to their habit of viewing themselves through the lens of how others seem to see them. If everyone thinks they’re cool, they believe they’re cool. If kids tease or ignore them, they don’t think, “Those kids are mean.” Instead, they’ll take it as evidence of their own unworthiness, a painful thought that can be hard to erase, even decades later and even with a successful marriage and/or career.

Prinstein also says that we’re banking on old memories all the time without even realizing it. That’s because in every interaction in our lives, we constantly call on our past experiences, using them as a template that tells us which reaction worked for us in the past and how we should respond now.

The Perks

Prinstein explains that likeable kids get invited out more, which gives them a chance to hone their social skills, which makes them even more popular, a fact that leads to even more play dates and even more learning opportunities.

This same thing happens to likeable adults in terms of their career opportunities — they’re given more job opportunities due to their likability, which in turn helps them become better employees, which open doors for even more promotions and advancements. Prinstein says a prime example of this is George W. Bush, famous for his likeability, who won the US presidency against the more qualified Al Gore in 2000.

There are other clear perks to being popular as well. Besides never having to worry too much about new situations and always feeling comfortable socially, Chaya said she had tons of people who were willing to help her with her move and plenty more who offered their advice. “Additionally,” Chaya says, “all those people help broaden my perspectives. I’m happy to learn from everyone and anyone, so I’m always growing. They all contribute to the quality of my life.”

Ahuva says that her genuine interest in people means she knows a lot of seemingly useless information about random people, which has led her to become an amateur matchmaker. “I’ve set up hundreds of dates, made three successful shidduchim, and facilitated countless other connections, like people who are getting rid of a couch and someone who’s in need of furniture, or someone who’s moved to town and needs new friends.” Ahuva also points out that it can be easier for popular people to fundraise because people are eager to help them, presumably seeking an easy way to show appreciation to, or to gain approval from the fundraiser who they like so much.

In school, a popular girl will usually see success in many areas, Mrs. Lieff says. She’ll feel more confident raising her hand in class and sharing her opinion, is more motivated to succeed academically, and is not weighed down with the worries that plague less popular girls like “who’s going to be with me at recess?”

But there’s always a flip side to everything. The attention can get overwhelming and even sometimes cause jealousy. “Back in school, girls would get insulted or jealous when I went out with other friends, although now that everyone’s busy with their own lives, I don’t see that so much anymore,” Chaya says.

Both Naomi and Ahuva talk about the responsibility that comes with popularity. “There are eyes on you and you have to live up to that,” said Naomi, who worked as an eim bayit in an American seminary in Yerushalayim, and found herself constantly being recognized by excited seminary girls wherever she went in Israel, as if she was some sort of celebrity. “Being so well known has empowered me to be a better person, to be worthy of the admiration of my students.”

Shifting Status

A person’s popularity is not static. Shy kids can develop into confident adults and kids who enjoyed popularity in high school can end up with social anxiety post high school. Prinstein says he personally was not popular as a kid, but he was likeable, which ultimately gave him the friendships and interactions he needed to finetune his social skills.

As a child, Ahuva says, she didn’t have friends, was never invited on play dates, and was often alone. But somehow, as she grew into adulthood, she discovered things had changed. “We couldn’t even get a minyan at some of our sheva brachos! My husband and I are always joking that we should get married again, because now we’d get so many presents!”

While some like Ahuva find themselves enjoying a confidence and newfound popularity that evaded them in childhood, others find that they were always surrounded by friends since a young age. Chaya was never involved in cliques in school and was happy to be friends with whoever wanted to be friends with her — which was basically everyone. Even today, she’ll find herself running toward people, and she’ll make a point to remember and ask about details about their lives, something she finds people respond warmly to.

Sometimes a person is likeable because they’re not chasing popularity. Even though she was always surrounded by friends, Naomi was somewhat insecure about her own popularity until she confided in her sister her fear of making aliyah and having to make new friends. “What are you talking about?” her sister replied. “You get along with everyone, everyone loves you, you’ll be fine. You always are.” Naomi said that comment made her look back and realize that yes, she’d always been well-liked, which gave her a boost as she embarked into the unknown.

Mrs. Lieff talks about the popularity-begets-popularity cycle before classes head off on shabbatons. “I tell the girls, if you look out for others outside your immediate circle of friends and include them, aside from gaining the opportunity to do a chesed, you’ll also be more well-liked.” Because ultimately when we give to others and are not focused on ourselves, we somehow feel better about ourselves and others become more interested in us.

As Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People (Simon & Schuster, 1936), said so succinctly: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Mrs. Lieff sometimes runs workshops where she offers social advice to her students. “I always tell the girls: fake it till you make it. When you look like you feel good about yourself, even if you don’t really feel it, people will flock to you. Just be the best actress possible!” She points out that girls who are not popular in school can sometimes reinvent themselves at camp where they don’t know anyone at first, if they project confidence, reaching out to others and introduce themselves.

But what to do about the potentially alarming claim from Prinstein that your childhood popularity — or lack of it — is still affecting you today? Prinstein says just acknowledging it can be the first step in stopping the cycle. “We can definitely take control over the extent of the power those memories have on our lives.”

The main method, of course, is therapy. It’s also possible to improve our social skills at any point in our lives. Dina Schwartz, a licensed social worker from Woodmere, NY, works with both mainstream and special needs children and adults. She teaches communication tools and stresses emotional self-awareness. “Emotional self-awareness is a skill that’s crucial to success and happiness in our lives and relationships with others. Teens with a higher degree of emotional intelligence are better able to control their emotions and behavior when things don’t go their way. The outcome is a happier, more self-confident, and more respectful person.”

Looking Back, Going Forward

Once, Mrs. Lieff was flipping through old photos. There were her old high school friends, wearing different colored Ralph Lauren oxford shirts, which were all the rage at the time, posing with arms around each other in front of a beautiful background. “Suddenly I noticed one detail I’d never seen before: this one girl, on the edge of the picture, with this expression of longing on her face, clearly wishing to be part of it. You can see her sadness, her loneliness.

“I wish I could turn the clock back and pull her into the group, into the picture. It would have been a tiny gesture on my part, but would clearly have meant the world to her… It’s a moment that would have stayed with her forever.”

As Prinstein points out, every moment does.

Is There a Popularity Gene?

Does popularity get inherited? According to Prinstein, yes… at least partly.

Children can inherit some of their parent’s popular genes — or rather the personality traits that make them so popular. But nothing is ever guaranteed. We can all probably think of families that have one popular sibling and another who is not, or siblings who have vastly different personalities from their parents.

It’s back to the old nature-nurture debate. Psychologists Terrie Moffitt and Avshalom Caspi found that one of the biggest contributing factors of a child’s popularity depended on what kind of environment they were raised in. They recorded 600 mothers talking about their five-year-old children for five minutes. When following up two years later, they found that mothers who are critical when discussing their children tended to create more hostile social environments for their children, who then tended to be unpopular. Children who grew up in positive environments were more likely to grow up popular.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 646)