The first step to healing is knowledge, so that you can then develop strategies to work with your brain instead of against it.

The Missing Piece

Hadassah Eventsur

Rivky looks at the clock. It’s one fifteen and her dentist appointment is scheduled for two. The office is 30 minutes away, but she figures there’s just enough time to make a quick challah dough. Before she knows it, it’s one forty-five and she rushes out in a frenzy, late once again.

Esti is perusing the aisle at the supermarket. She knows she needed three items, but she hadn’t bothered with a list, and now she isn’t sure what she came for. As she passes the baked goods, she grabs a loaf of bread, and then wanders off to the seasonal aisle looking for craft supplies. When she arrives home, she sighs as she notices the empty egg crate and milk carton in her recycling bin. Her kids will have a project to work on, but no breakfast the next day.

Yehudis walks past the sink piled high with dishes. She turns her head the other way to avoid this boring, repetitive task and finds herself sitting on the couch scrolling for just a few minutes. Two hours later, she looks up and overwhelm sets in as she looks around at the chaos.

What these three women may have in common is ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

ADHD is a disorder that affects executive functioning, i.e., our ability to ensure that we can match up our behaviors to align with our desired  goals. Some of our executive functions include emotional regulation, impulse control, working memory, organization, regulating attention, and time management. Picture a butler quietly managing life’s everyday tasks. If he takes an extended vacation, the house may fall into disarray.

According to the CDC, boys receive an ADHD diagnosis much more often than girls — 12.9 percent compared with 5.6 percent. Researchers believe that women who have ADHD can remain undiagnosed from childhood.

As girls, they may have done well in school because people with ADHD are very good at hyper-focusing on what they enjoy or are motivated to excel in. But they may have been labeled as “spacey,” “too talkative,” or “disorganized.” They may have had trouble making or sustaining friendships or managing their emotions. Or they may have done well in structured environments such as school but could not keep it together in less structured situations.

In the school setting, boys with ADHD tend to be more physically hyperactive and disruptive in the classroom, thereby prompting adults to seek a diagnosis. Girls are more likely to exhibit traits of inattentiveness. Oftentimes, they are expected to just try harder, or to work on their middos. They may begin to internalize messages that they are flawed. Like the swan madly paddling underwater just to stay afloat, these girls’ struggles may go unnoticed because they successfully compensate at high levels for a long time.

For some women with undiagnosed ADHD, things begin to unravel when they grow up and enter the workforce and/or start a family. The never-ending chores, cyclical tasks, and juggling can tax their already compromised executive functioning skills, prompting some women to seek professional help. Oftentimes a practitioner will diagnose depression or anxiety. Although these diagnoses can be comorbidities of ADHD, they don’t address the core issue.

If you are a disillusioned woman, wondering why you find yourself struggling with the tasks of life no matter how hard you try or how much support you have in place, you may have a missed diagnosis of ADHD from childhood.

Ask yourself the following questions:

As a young girl, did I force myself to sit still in class despite extreme difficulty? Did I often spend a lot of time daydreaming? Did I struggle with getting homework turned in on time or at all? Did I struggle with keeping my desk or room in order? Did I try really hard all the time only to be told that I wasn’t putting in adequate effort or wasn’t “actualizing my potential”?

If this resonates with you, you may want to speak with your doctor or therapist about pursuing a diagnosis.

The first step to healing is knowledge, so that you can then develop strategies to work with your brain instead of against it.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is a licensed occupational therapist with over 20 years of experience, and a certified life coach in the Baltimore area. She is currently working on creating support groups to provide community education and strategies for frum women who struggle with executive functioning and managing the care tasks of life. She can be contacted through Family First.

Be Your Own Caretaker

Shoshana Schwartz

The seminary girl who yawns through the day after “only” 13 hours of sleep — how is she able to wake up for her newborn a few short years later? It’s true that when thrust into a position we feel unprepared for, we’re often gifted with unexpected capabilities. But there’s more to it than that.

Let’s say the idea of being stuck in an elevator terrifies you, and one day it actually happens. Your anxiety skyrockets, your heart races, and your finger is glued to the alarm button till you’re rescued. But if you found yourself there with a child (not even your own), you would probably find (after a few deep breaths and a perek of Tehillim) that you can be a calming presence.

In the role of caretaker, you’re able to keep your own feelings in check. Whether you’re a camp counselor or supervise a team of 100 employees, when others depend on you, you can step up to the plate.

However, when you’re in the caretaking role on a regular basis, you might neglect one of the people who needs looking after: you. When you’re the perennial den mother, cheerleader, and organizer, it’s so easy to forget that you, too, need someone to be your cheerleader. You need someone to remind you that you’re important, that you also need to be listened to and validated and hugged.

It’s such a gift when we have people in our lives who do that for us. But actually, we can do it for ourselves. While you’re taking care of others, imagine yourself (or your younger self) along with the others. Notice her. Smile at her. Listen to her, ask her what she needs. Let her know she’s important and that you’ll take care of her. She needs and deserves love and compassion, too.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for non-addicts.

Call into Question

Dina Schoonmaker

An important question we can ask ourselves that can help increase self-awareness is: "What is my default word — yes or no?"

A woman who finds herself always saying yes when others ask her to extend herself may want  to work on having the confidence to also respect her own needs. But that doesn’t demand that she  go to the other extreme and adapt Western culture's mantra — “Just say no!"

Instead, she may want to try a method I call "Yes, and..."

It goes like this:

When someone asks you to help them out at midnight, when you’re exhausted, instead of saying yes or no try this: "Yes! I'd love to help you. AND can we do it tomorrow morning?"

When an organization asks you to host on a Shabbos when you aren't feeling well you can try:

" YES, I'd love to help your organization. AND I'd like to think about how I can contribute in another way aside from hosting this Shabbos."

This method allows us to give a good feeling while respecting our needs simultaneously.

Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives women’s vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 854)