“Come to Beit Letzanim, the feel-good shul”

Do you remember the old days when advertising and commercial messages were limited to toothpaste, autos, and dishwashing soaps? Professionals and institutions with a sense of personal dignity and self-respect did not demean themselves by advertising. No longer. Nowadays, almost everyone advertises. Hospitals boast of their low mortality rates and tout their specialties in heart and lung diseases. Injury lawyers crow about their multimillion-dollar settlements. Even respected tzedakah organizations have entered the lists, offering Yom Tov specials and guarantees.

Since everyone is doing it, why not synagogues as well? Below, as a Purim bonus for our loyal readers only, we present an exclusive prototype of an advertisement for the synagogue of the future.

Come to Beit Letzanim, the shul designed with YOU in mind. Say goodbye to those 7 and 8 a.m. minyanim. Our Shabbos morning services begin at 10 a.m., so you can enjoy a full night’s sleep that you have earned by your hard work all week long. And our express services (patent pending) will get you out before 11:30. Guaranteed.

When you pray with us, you also say goodbye to those long, boring discourses about ancient figures like Abraham and Moses. In Beit Letzanim you will be uplifted by short, snappy sermons that never last over six minutes. No other shul can make this claim. All sermons deal with critical current events, such as a penetrating analysis of why the Patriots lost the Super Bowl, why there should be three Super Bowl games and not just one, and why the World Series should be five games instead of the traditional seven. Such provocative insights will excite your mind and give you something meaningful to discuss during your Shabbos meal.

Our record-shattering 90-minute Shabbos davening is followed by a catered, lavish, mouthwatering, all-you-can-eat seated two-hour shmorg-Kiddush (menu available on request) featuring hot cholent, mini-hotdogs, chicken wings, kugel, cold cuts, assorted cookies and cakes, washed down by fine wines, Coca-Cola, scotch (Chivas Regal), bourbon, and Cherry Heering (for paid-up members only).

But wait — there’s more! We know you are busy, so in addition to brief sermons, we offer creative remedies for the two biggest time-eaters in the Siddur: the Shema and Shemoneh Esreh. Do you find yourself getting fidgety after finishing these while waiting for the rabbi to catch up? (One would think that a rabbi, with all his schooling, would be able to read Hebrew a little faster!) In Beit Letzanim, we wait for no one, not even the rabbi. We offer a no-delay Shema Yisrael (2.3 minutes) and a special quickie Shemoneh Esreh (4.7 minutes). No wonder we are the fastest growing shul in the area.

But not only on Shabbos are we efficient. Try us on weekdays, when we feature our exclusive “in-and-out” davening: a 19-minute Shacharis, (22 minutes on Mon and Thurs) plus a seven-minute Minchah, and an eight-minute Maariv.

In our shul, freedom reigns. If you want to talk during services, this is your privilege. Our friendly ushers are instructed never to interrupt your conversation. If you want to leave at any time, by all means. Prayer is meant to empower and free our inner selves.

Our rabbi uniquely combines the ancient and the modern. He studies Torah 12 hours a day, but never misses a social affair and is always the life of the party. He immerses himself in Kabbalah and ancient mysticism, but is a fanatic follower of the home football team. Combining modernity with serious piety, he organizes special Tehillim sessions to pray for victory in crucial games.

Our rabbi never makes you uncomfortable. He does not insist on higher levels of mitzvah observance, and lets us live our lives as we see fit. He does not exhort, urge, castigate, admonish, remonstrate, or take any stand unless previously approved by the board. You work hard all week. You don’t come to shul on Shabbos to be chastised. You don’t tell the rabbi how to live, and he does not tell you how to live. It’s in his contract.

Our shul is designed to make attendance a fulfilling experience for your body and soul. When you leave shul on Shabbos morning, you are fully satisfied with yourself, ready for your personal cholent and a good long nap.

Come to Beit Letzanim, the feel-good shul. Our competition makes you feel guilty for not being a better Jew. In Beit Letzanim we push guilt to the sidelines, which is why we are known as the guilt-edged shul.

Come to Beit Letzanim. You will never be the same again.

 (Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 700)