T o gown or not to gown? That is the question.

Shakespeare’s Hamlet may have suffered mental anguish over the existential question of a life worth living. But that’s nothing compared to the agony we are experiencing over the sartorial debate for this upcoming wedding.

I suppose I should start with the good news. Mazel tov; my niece is engaged.

This is very exciting in the way that all engagements are exciting. A happy kallah and chassan (presumably; I couldn’t see much of the men’s side at the vort). A glowing mother and a beaming grandmother shepping nachas.

It’s a beautiful scene. Shall I paint the word picture for you? There’s music playing tiny miniatures with glazed chocolate and confectioners’ sugar sure to scatter over you in all the wrong places — chocolate on your white top white powder on your dark skirt.

The vort is full of enthusiastic hugs (the kallah’s friends) air kisses (the kallah’s mother’s friends) warm handshakes (the kallah’s grandmother’s friends) and the particular brand of quiet screeching reserved for the high-school-aged friends of the kallah’s sisters there to be mesameiach the entire family. You’ve been here before. I’m sure you recognize it.

Then comes the discussion which starts off innocently enough: “Should we wear gowns to the wedding?”

I forget who asked first. If I could go back in time I would muzzle this person with a firm pinch on the forearm or a strong kick under the table. But perhaps that would only postpone the inevitable. The question hovers on the tips of everyone’s tongues and it’s the first thing we say after that initial round of greetings. “Mazel tov! It’s so great to see you! Sooooooo are we wearing gowns to the wedding?”

Those of you who are raising an eyebrow quizzically thinking what is the big deal? have obviously never been in this situation where it’s the first grandchild to be married on both the mother’s side and the father’s side and there’s no policy in place. It is up to us to implement our own plan and get everyone to agree. All of us. All the sisters and sisters-in-law and young nieces and teenage nieces and never mind brothers and brothers-in-law who will be footing the bill.

So here is the question: Do we wear gowns to the wedding?

It seems simple enough right? But the appearance of this question is extremely deceptive. Those unassuming seven words are heavily weighted.

You see when the question was first broached in the noisy crowded simchahdig atmosphere that first innocent who asked “So are we wearing gowns to the wedding?” received a chorus of firm answers ranging from “Of course ” to “I don’t know ” to “No way!”

And so the trouble began.

One sister said of course her girls were going to wear gowns to the wedding; it was their first first cousin.

Another sister said there was no way her girls were going to wear gowns to the wedding; it was only a first cousin albeit the first one.

A third said that she herself was certainly wearing a gown because she feels so close to the kallah.

And then one more sister said that she loves the kallah dearly but if you thought she was squeezing into a gown for a niece’s wedding you have another think coming.

And that’s only half the family!