Successful negotiations are always the result of patience, perseverance, and dogged insistence on finding solutions to intractable situations

T

he efforts to form a new Israeli government have resulted in total frustration and confusion. The negotiations show promise one day, failure the next. Result: a country desperate to find a way out of the quagmire, a people perplexed, bewildered, and confounded. In an effort to enlighten our readership, we present here a secret transcript of a key meeting held between the two leading political parties. This transcript, unedited and unredacted, should serve to clarify and explicate the plethora of issues that, to date, have prevented the formation of a united government. This is an exclusive service available only to paid-up subscribers of Mishpacha magazine.

…Myprincipleswillnotallowmetojoinyourcoalition, becauseweareacleanandpurepoliticalpartyandyour partyismadeupofcynicalanddishonest politicianswhowantonlytohavepowerandcontroloverthecountry…. Stillatlast night’sememrgencypolicymeetingitwas unanimouslydecidedthatifyoucanpledge to supportour positionswewillconsider joiningyourgovernment…. ifyoupromise torenegeonthepromisesyoualreadymade totheotherpoliticalpartywhomightthen rejectyouroverturesunlessyoumakesome additionalpledges tothemwhichmight offendalargegroupofoursupportersbut whocanbemollifiedbypromisesofadditionalfinancialsupporttoourinstitutions andofinformalundertakingsto proffer landand buildingcontractstocertain kablanimandtheirsubcontractors… As fortheharedimwewillsit withthem ifthey willsitwithusbesideswhichtheyhavetheir ownagendawhichisnotalways apparent tothe nakedeyeintermsof mixing religion andstateandasforcorruptioningovernmentwhatelseisnewweareafterallamiddle easterncountryandsomeofthatculture isboundtoruboffonus Ifweareguaranteed severalkeyministrieslikedefense andfinancethenwecango ahead and workoutsome shallIsayarrangementso tospeakifyou know whatImean….Yes butwealreadypromisedthemnottomake anymorepromisesandpledgeditonour sacredhonoreventhoughonemightargue thatapledgeandapromisearenotnecessarilyequallybindingoridentical….Asfor bibiandgantzandbennetandshakednotto mentionthemediaifthereisanewelection nothingwillofcourse change…myheavens Ihopenooneislisteninginonthis…

To the reader: We hope this exclusive behind-the-scenes transcript will be of help in deciphering the complex, labyrinthine, and byzantine negotiations that are the inevitable ingredients in the formation of a new government. Successful negotiations are always the result of patience, perseverance, and dogged insistence on finding solutions to intractable situations — the kind required to de-code this transcript. With a newly sharpened awareness of the intricacies of government, our readership can now become a more responsible and intelligent electorate.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 786)