The situation had become so ridiculously blown up, it was actually bordering on pathetic
G irls running about briskly with determined looks on their faces their hands laden with seforim and notebooks of all shapes and sizes. The voices of renowned rabbanim whose words simultaneously captivate the mind and challenge the brain resound enthusiastically throughout the campus. Engaging discussions and DMCs dorm rooms boasting loud music and jolly laughter.
This is my seminary experience in a nutshell. My life at the moment. As an 18-year-old student my life is a dizzying whirl of working hard and having fun blending harmoniously. Here I recount the major event of a room change which heralded the beginning of my second year in sem. I was looking forward to getting to know new girls and broaden my horizons.
Seriously I never knew I owned so much stuff. Those fuzzy pink slippers from my grandmother that small battered diary — I mean where had these things come from? Oh and was that my long-lost parshah essay stuck behind the night table? I sighed in aggravation when thinking of the stress and panic its disappearance had caused only a few weeks prior.
My eyes quickly scanned our crowded room and I laughed to myself. It was just simple havoc. Chaos like never before. Mess everywhere. Wrappers made friends with long-forgotten papers and clumsy shoes as the carpet became slowly hidden barely identifiable.
“Should I start packing?” Freidy my roommate lazily asked flipping her bangs softly as she blinked tiredly.
“Perhaps it’s too early ” was my sarcastic reply “after all it’s time for us all to change rooms in only in ten hours.”
My heart fluttered nervously like a butterfly just emerging from its cocoon as I imagined myself leaving my room my cocoon. These four walls had kept my deepest secrets safe watching quietly as new friendships formed. These four walls had borne witness to my confusion during the first few weeks in seminary and my gradual settling in which had followed. How could I leave?
And who knows where I would be going now? Who would my new roommates be? The thought of picking myself up and moving was daunting and seemed almost impossible. It would take fortitude and a positive sensible attitude of which I didn’t have any. Help!
The situation had become so ridiculously blown up, it was actually bordering on pathetic. Virtually any girl I passed became a potential roommate. An atmosphere of uncertainty descended upon us as the upcoming room change became “the elephant in the room”, clumsily stamping around as we desperately tried to duck in fear.
The sky began to darken as great storm clouds gathered perfectly matching my mood. The hours flew past as our close-knit room sat together cohesively chatting and crunching to the beat as our food supply slowly diminished.
All too soon, it was morning. The sun rose fast, too fast, as if purposefully to annoy me. I still had so much to do! After a quick flurry of last-minute jobs and emotionally charged outbursts, high-pitched shrieks and shrilling screams filled the air. It sounded like there were a million bells ringing in my ears. Had the lists come out? No!
“Raizy!” my friends roared, swarming around me as if I were honey and they bees. “You’re moving to 28C!”
“Who am I with?” I yelled frantically, as if my life depended on what would follow. The names shrieked shortly thereafter swirled around me as I blinked uncomprehendingly. What? My heart dropped right down to my toes.
One of the names mentioned was Miri Wosner. Her name stomped around my brain, marching like a soldier. Miri Wosner. Miri Wosner. No! It just couldn’t be. Miri Wosner, who had practically ruined my life just a short year ago. I cast my mind back to those torturous weeks, those sad weeks where I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. She had betrayed me. I had confided in her, as friends often do, and told her a major secret, commanding her to keep it just that: a secret. But she hadn’t. She had divulged it in public, airing out my dirty laundry as if she was talking about the weather. I wasn’t ready to forgive her and wondered if I ever would be able to. Maybe one day. But her, my roommate? Never! We weren’t even on speaking terms.
I buried my head in my trembling hands as I envisioned the inevitable gossip that would follow. Aside from my secret going public, the ensuing fight had gone public, too. Although the tornado of comments and (mostly) well-meaning suggestions had finally (thankfully) calmed down, now it was sure to start all over again. Oh no!
The other two girls were just not my type: they were quieter, well, just much different than me. They lived for schoolwork and I couldn’t picture them appreciating my jokes, or my idea of fun. What would happen to the truth-and-dare games that somehow always started around midnight? The music, the tricks we played, those good late-night DMCs — would all that end now? Oh, and this new room would also put my developing friendships in jeopardy! This was great. Just great. I wished it was all a nightmare, but in truth I knew it was reality, only I didn’t know how to deal with it.
With a lump around the size of a golf ball in my throat, I ran back to my former bed to have a good old cry and… found this random girl there, organizing her shelves. This sight only aggravated me more; I mean, was this not my bed, my space?
The rain coming down in sheets outside poured relentlessly down the windowpanes, reflecting the rivulets of burning tears running down my cheeks. This is what it must feel like to fall into a depression, I thought. Moving my stuff in as if in a trance, I spoke to my future roommates with what could only be called polite indifference.
I decided that what my mind really craved was fresh air; a good walk where I could breathe in the beauty of nature, which reassuringly would still be the same as yesterday. I stepped outside, the drizzle refreshing me. Now I could think. The heavy downpour had thankfully, finally, let up. My hair whipped painfully against my face, while my ears drummed, turning a fiery red. The trees gazed at me, bare and forlorn. I felt like them, suddenly old and withered. Would life ever seem beautiful once again? Multicolored leaves created a unique carpet as I crunched on them, angrily, letting out all the stress of the past few days.
I looked around desperately for some inspiration, yet found nothing.
Then, I saw it. A majestic butterfly. It was perched daintily atop a forlorn branch cracking precariously in the center, drooping sadly under the weight of its newest visitor. Its splendor was astounding; its myriad shades of vivid reds and pinks contrasting with the dull brown twig it rested on. The nearby surroundings, although dreary, only enhanced its beauty. I crept closer, transfixed. Its intricate designs slithered elegantly across its paper-thin wings in a show of undiluted beauty. Suddenly, a bird chirped noisily nearby, and my new friend hopped off and began flying upwards. Its wings flapped gently in the calm breeze and I watched spellbound as it slowly it became nothing more than a speck of color in the wide expanse of the dark gray sky. Then, it was gone and I was left only with my thoughts for company.
All of a sudden, I had an epiphany.
No one could help me but myself. The way this new room would develop would be a direct result of my attitude. I would choose to follow that butterfly and rise higher, above my dashed hopes and shattered dreams. Above the hurt, the raw pain Miri Wosner had inflicted upon me with her callous words. Yes. I was ready to forgive her, to give her a fresh start. It wouldn’t be easy. My adjustment would be a bitter pill to swallow; a grueling challenge to look past the torture she had inflicted upon me and smile at her genuinely. No one said fulfilling Hashem’s Will was simple. But I could do it, and I would. I was His faithful servant and I would do His ratzon gladly. He had chosen me for this nisayon, felt me capable of choosing to act correctly and gaining greatly from it. Me, and no one else.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a pleasant and optimistic attitude was really the only way forward. It would bring about the best results for me, my friends, and my roommates. In fact, it could be compared to the butterfly effect — when actions cause ripples miles away, usually without the initiator even realizing what their actions have caused. I would do what was right in this situation, and my attitude would surely have a positive outcome and an effect on countless others.
The world suddenly seemed more alive, bursting with fresh color. So many shades and hues blended together in harmony to create a beautiful masterpiece that made up my world. Things were happening, people were changing and suddenly, I was glad, almost giddy with excitement, at the unsullied path that lay ahead of me, quivering with hope and goodwill.
I wished the plans to have everybody together could have excluded Avi and Dina. Whenever Dina was around she somehow managed to take all the fizzle out of the fun
