The Best Wife
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U ri had come to my office to complain to me about his wife.
Officially he had come to hear about her diagnosis and the treatment that I had been offering her. But he already knew that his wife had panic attacks and that I had been treating her with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy because we’d already discussed it on the phone three times. Uri had come to complain.
“She’s a mess Dr. Freedman” he said shaking his head. “She’s a total mess.”
“I wouldn’t necessarily say that Uri. She’s already engaged in treatment and sometimes that’s the hardest part.”
“No Dr. Freedman ” he persisted. “Believe me she’s a mess. She doesn’t cook Shabbos anymore the house is dirty and I have to get the kids from school.”
“Uri ” I said hoping I could instill a little gratitude into all that negativity “that was a month ago. Baruch Hashem she’s already back to 95-percent functioning!” And this was the truth. His wife was doing fantastic and her recovery was actually ahead of schedule. This was a woman who had been experiencing four or five debilitating panic attacks every single day and a month ago was unable to care for her kids or to run the household. Now she was back on track and doing amazingly well. “It’s really a miracle Uri. She’s doing great.”
“You don’t get it ” Uri continued his gripe. “Even though she’s not having panic attacks anymore she’s still a difficult person. I’m not gonna divorce her but between you and me it’s always been a disaster. My house was never in order she always screams at me before Shabbos and she can’t even handle three kids. What kind of a wife is that? What kind of a life is that?”
I was picturing myself in the house with Uri before Shabbos listening to him complain and thinking about how I’d be screaming as well. “Uri ” I said “she’s your wife and she’s doing much better. Trust me. You should be grateful because she’s a good lady.”
Uri was sulking. “You’re just saying that because you have to Dr. Freedman. Okay she’s fine but look at my neighbor Shuki’s wife. Now there’s a good lady. She comes from a wealthy family that supports his learning. She has a new kid every other year and I never hear yelling or screaming over there. She always looks pulled together has tons of energy and runs the home beautifully. She makes him lunch every day to bring to kollel and makes his life so calm. Why can’t my wife be like that?”
I had to take a deep breath and do the thing where I put my hand over my mouth and stroke my beard in order to keep myself from responding too quickly. Uri had no idea how lucky he was.
Not that I could ever let him know but Uri’s neighbor Shuki had a much more challenging situation at home than Uri could ever imagine. Where Uri’s wife had a classic case of panic attacks and was responding beautifully to treatment Shuki’s wife had terrible struggles with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I had seen her in consultation nine months ago but she refused to get the help that could have made her better.
This unfortunate woman was up all night in the bathroom scrubbing her hands until they bled. She’d been given prescription-strength lotions from a dermatologist because she’d damaged them so badly. True she had a bunch of kids but she was too overtired to care for them because her symptoms kept her up all night. And Shuki didn’t get his lunch packed for him he made lunches for everyone each day because his house was such a balagan. He drove all of the carpools cooked Shabbos meals cleaned the house and ran every errand under the sun. Her rich father had stopped supporting his learning because the man was never in kollel — he was too busy running the household all day long.
Worst of all the poor lady wasn’t interested in getting better. During our consultation I found a great place for her to get the help that she absolutely needed. It was an intensive daily-treatment program including therapy and medications and it wasn’t too far away from her home either. But after I recommended it she stormed out of my office screaming at me “Who do you think you are trying to send me to a hospital!”
Her father refused to pay me for “insulting” his daughter and was a profoundly difficult man to deal with. Her husband Shuki understood the need for treatment and tried to encourage her even enlisting the help of their rav who told her it was a mitzvah to go to the program. But she was as stubborn as could be and the situation continued to deteriorate. After the consultation and a few subsequent phone calls Shuki thanked me for trying but said that she just wasn’t interested in getting better. After that all I could do was daven for them.
And here I was sitting face-to-face with Uri the clueless guy who wanted to trade places with Shuki. He had no idea how hot Gehinnom can be!
“Uri ” I told him “my job is to help people recover from mental illness. When I’m blessed with a motivated patient they get better and it’s a tremendous simchah for me.”
Uri wasn’t interested in listening and shook his head again “What’s the point of this mussar Dr. Freedman?”
“The point is that today is a big simchah for me because your wife is doing much better and I’ve had the zechus of watching how much a motivated individual can improve. Working with your wife has been tremendously inspiring.”
“Yeah well… she’s not perfect by any means though.”
“Of course not Uri she’s a human being.” I had to make a huge effort to stay calm because the situation was getting ridiculous and I wanted to tell him that he didn’t deserve to have a wife at all since he was so ungrateful. Of course I didn’t say anything of the sort because it wouldn’t have solved too much. “Trust me Uri she’s a good lady.”
“She’s not Shuki’s wife that’s for sure.”
Well he was right about that and for whatever it was worth he was lucky he wasn’t in Shuki’s place — he’d never stand a chance in that household. “Uri ” I said “if you can work on being grateful and thanking your wife for everything she does then you’ll be a happier man.”
Uri smirked. “I’d be a happier man if she’d stop yelling at me before Shabbos every week.”
This was an easy one as he’d set himself up for my response. “She’d have less to yell about if you were more grateful toward her recognized how hard she’s working on herself and tried to be more helpful at home. Plus I know for a fact that you haven’t brought her flowers in over a month.”
Uri thought for a moment and then asked “She’d scream less if I brought her flowers?”
“She’d scream at you less if you were less of a selfish bozo and started to show some gratitude. And since getting her flowers before Shabbos is a sign of gratitude it makes you less of a selfish bozo and therefore less likely to get screamed at.”
“Hmm… okay fine ” said Uri defeatedly.
I decided to add in something for good measure. “Nice flowers too Uri not the cheap ones.”
Uri nodded and mumbled “Fine ” again.
As I walked him out I figured I’d use the momentum. “And a card too and maybe chocolates and when was the last time you got her a pair of earrings?” (Originally featured in Mishpacha Issue 658)
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