Realistically, a person never forgets who their biological children and grandchildren really are, but there’s definitely more than enough love to share with those other children and grandchildren, who can become such an integral part of your life that you’d introduce your step-grandson as your grandson.

I was a widow for several years before I met my husband. By the time I did, my children were already young adults. When we married, I wasn’t under any starry-eyed illusions. I knew it would take much physical and emotional effort on my part for our two families to blend cohesively.

Before the wedding, I was determined to get a clear vision of what was involved in blending a family. I consulted with friends who had successful second marriages. “No sugar-coating,” I said, and for the most part, they complied.

They said every family is made up of its own special, unique components and it is a trial-and-error mode of adjustment. I was told to be patient, to give each member of the family their own time and space to adjust, to treat everyone equally, and to relax.

A close friend told me about some inevitable uncomfortable situations that had arisen, where she had done her best to understand when to be involved and when to take a step back. And for the most part, her hard work paid off. She felt she’d arrived when her husband’s oldest teenage granddaughter wrote a family history school report and included her in it. My friend was extremely touched by this gesture.

One cousin shared sage advice from his rav with me. Both he and his kallah were bringing two children into a second marriage. “When you break the glass under the chuppah,” the rav said, “you must know and believe that you now have four children, not two.”

Also, they said, it’s vital for friends and relatives on the periphery of a blended family to root for the family’s success.

Obviously, the transitional stage into a second marriage is much easier when all the adults involved make a conscientious effort to be respectful of one another. Those good vibes will trickle down to how the children (and subsequent grandchildren) view this new family dynamic.

What I found is that adults tend to filter what they say. When it comes to children, their natural curiosity wins out, and they need the freedom to ask all the questions that might arise in a blended family. Once we had grandchildren, we were careful to keep the communication lines open for any questions they may have had, and we openly talk about their “other” Bubby and Zayde.

To me, the best indication that we’d been doing something right is that our teenage grandsons from both families wanted to attend camp together. (And, when my kids warned their step-siblings to be careful what they say around me because I might write an article about them!)

I must say how moved I was when my stepson and his wife were thrilled with my offer to come help them for a week before their newborn baby’s bris. It was a very busy week (to put it mildly) taking care of some very active younger children. But, in my mind, I would do the same thing for my daughter or daughter-in-law.

Baruch Hashem, on a typical Shabbos or Yom Tov when there are lots of families visiting, and there’s the normal mayhem going on inside and outside the home, your feelings for everyone do naturally clump together. When you’re supervising the serving and the kitchen cleanup crew after a Yom Tov meal, or helping with bathtime, or telling the kids (again!) to clean up their mess in the playroom, or playing a very funny, competitive game of “Kichels,” there’s no “your kids” or “mine.” The group just really does morph into one big, happy family.

In our home there has been a lot of laughter in statements made over the course of the years, like when someone asked, “I wonder why children’s books always have an evil stepmother but never an evil stepfather?” That certainly caused a lively family discussion!

But really, men shouldn’t be let off the hook when it comes to successfully blending two families. They have a vital role to play. It was absolute music to my ears hearing my husband learning over the phone with my grandchildren during Covid. He had a set learning schedule with both my grandchildren and his, and the boys really looked forward to their learning sessions with Zayde.

Some other highlights?

The question, “When Mashiach comes, will they still be our cousins? How can we be cousins if we don’t have the same blood?”

And after looking through a family album and seeing me with my first husband, a grandson asked, “Does Zayde know Bubby was married before?”

My all-time favorite: Another young granddaughter asked her mother, my daughter, where that Zayde in the album is now. My daughter pointed to Shamayim and said, “My Tatte is up there.”

My granddaughter thought about that for a few seconds and replied, “Your Tatte is Hashem?”

On one long Yom Tov afternoon with the grandchildren, someone suggested that everyone state why they like our family. At first, I was a bit apprehensive at what would be said, but they were mostly harmless, funny statements — he really barbecues well, she shares her Polly Pockets, he taught me how to juggle…

Then, one of my grandsons said, “I really like our family because I know a few step-families that don’t get along, but we all get along great!”

I wasn’t expecting that.

My stepdaughter looked at me and said, “You’re going to cry, aren’t you?”

I certainly was!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 972)