Number fifty-five: Health fads. Diets. Avocado, kale, broccoli, black beans, chocolate are super foods. Detox drinks. Beets are in”

The fan was blowing directly on the vacant plastic chair opposite me just the way I liked it.

I’ve learned by now that there’s nothing like a little chill to intimidate and subdue the droves of women who come to occupy this chair. I leaned back, cracked my knuckles, and raised my seat’s height. Where was the next person?

There was a rap at the door.

“Come in!” I called, aiming for authoritative and, I dare say, succeeding, too. The door opened slowly, revealing a tall woman combing a be-ringed finger through a very straight chestnut-colored wiggy kind of wig with side bangs. She was wearing a belted khaki dress, most likely from Nordstrom or Macy’s, with fabric added to the bottom for extra length. The added piece was a shade off, but it was close enough, good enough. Her shoes had white soles and black fabric uppers. Colored stone earrings approximately a half-dollar’s diameter dangled from her ears. Her makeup was subtle, with the exception of over-lined eyes.

Finished with the once-over, I indicated the blue plastic chair wordlessly. She put her knockoff-but-a-pretty-good-copy black Michael Kors bag on the chair, inspected the seat, picked her bag up, sat down, and pulled the bag onto her lap, half-hugging it.

“How can I help you?” I asked. As if I offered more than one service. But it was better, I’d learned at the business management course, to allow clients to state what they needed.

“So, I’m moving to a development, and I need a Certificate of Authorization from the Department of Female Schmooze Development in order to get my C of O…” The woman trailed off, expecting me to take up the conversation.

I leaned forward, relishing the silence. It signified a good meeting. I clicked “Open New Account” in my Tishahkavin™ software.

“Name?”

“Adina Gottesman.”

“Age?”

“Thirty-six.”

Ninety-two percent of them were between the ages of 20 and 45.

“Where are you moving to?”

“Golden Oak Development in Monsey.”

Most of my clientele live in Lakewood or Monsey. Brooklyn and the Catskills each have their own branch of DFSD.

“Children? Their names? Ages? Which schools do they attend?”

By the time I wound down the questionnaire 33 minutes later, I’d almost developed carpal tunnel syndrome and Adina’s eyes were glazed over. I type fast, by the way.

I was done with the intake and could now move on to the main reason she was here. I swiveled around to the bookshelves behind me and extracted a somber-looking dark-brown leather tome.

I traced my fingers on the gold-stamped letters on the cover, as if to emphasize the title “The Cardinal Diktat on Chitchat: A Fundamental Guide to the 100 Permitted Topics of Frum Female Conversation.” On the bottom, in small but very discernible print, read “Under the auspices of Rabbanim United for American Jewry, the Shemiras Hapeh Foundation, and Society for Frum Females Dedicated to the Development of Developments.”

I opened the volume to the first page and smiled at her. Adina gave me a fleeting, hopeful smile.

Leaning forward, she placed a yellow legal pad on the desk. A wave of chestnut brown hair tumbled over her shoulder and concealed most of her face. Soon she was busy scribbling notes with an Apple Bank pen that, surprisingly enough, worked.

“Number Fifty-Two: Shidduch discussion. Dating, redting shidduchim, the shidduch crisis, the proper age to begin shidduchim, beshow stories, vorts, financial issues with marrying off children, dresses, makeup, shoes, flowers, menus. Amendment A: Topic not to be raised around chassidish single girls over the age of 19, litvish girls over the age of 20, and college-educated females over the age of 23.