Mishpacha Magazine

Change of Heart: Epilogue

I do have a new understanding of how the world works. I knew it all along, but it’s a little more real to me now

I didn’t want to do it in fear. I wanted to do it with trust. The ride of my life

I am not in control. Nothing I do makes any difference. The thought came, not as a burst of sublime inspiration, but as a reflexive fact

A tiny pause, like she wasn’t sure if she should believe me. “You understand why I’m asking. If there’s a medical issue, we need to know”

The diver’s reflex: Fill a basin with ice water and plunge your head in. It works every time! This was getting better and better

The scary part wasn’t the heart thing, and the scary part wasn’t the drugs. The scary part was the vulnerability

I sucked in another breath, somehow I walked to the car. By the time we got to the hospital I could no longer walk

I was exhausted — my heart had been racing, like I was running a marathon, for close to ten hours. But I wasn’t ...