The best way to end the conversation without making an issue or insulting anyone is to subtly change the topic

You asked

I’m in my mid-twenties, married with two little children. I’m part of a small, close chevreh of women in my neighborhood, all more or less at the same stage in life, and we support one another in a really nice way.

We very often get together, sometimes just two or three of us, sometimes more, to take the kids to the park or an indoor play center in the afternoons, and then the mommies sit and schmooze. A lot.

We’ll start with supper ideas, move onto sales, then it might veer into teething and toilet training. But then it turns into more personal things, topics I feel friends shouldn’t be schmoozing about. I have no problem talking about concepts: shalom bayis, chinuch — these feel okay to me as ideas. But when my friends begin talking about their personal shalom bayis, it feels uncomfortable. Shouldn’t this be kept private?

One time I brought up the idea of oversharing, but I was shot down. I was honest and said that schmoozing about such a personal subject didn’t feel right to me — it felt like a breach of tzniyus. Some of my friends nodded and shifted uncomfortably, saying they agreed, but mumbled that “this is what we do,” and “it’s just between us….” Others disagreed. One even said that it was important we had each other, and if we can’t be open with close friends, then what kind of relationship did we have?

Since that discussion, some friends are more careful around me, some aren’t, and some will make “jokes,” warning others to be careful in front of “the Rebbetzin,” which obviously bothers me. I’m not frummer than my friends. But I do sometimes feel like an outsider, torn between my values and friendships that I really, really need. How can I balance what I feel is right with my need to be part of my chevreh?

We answered

Mrs. Mimi David is director of Women’s Education for Aish HaTorah of St. Louis. She’s also a certified dating coach and certified kallah teacher trained by Mrs. Rochel Goldbaum, and teaches kallahs across the US via Zoom and in person.

Before we talk about your friendship, I want to say that these days, there’s little that belongs just to a husband and wife. Everything is shared. But the little that does belong to a couple should remain that way. It’s amazing that you recognize this, and I’m cheering for you. I wish more young women realized how vital this is. Don’t for a minute give up on your standards; you’re doing great!

Now let’s talk about your friends. I’m really not okay with your friends calling you names (even as a joke) or mocking your standards. But I’m not talking to them, so we’ll have to leave that discussion aside and address your side.

You’re being the change you want to see in the world. Know that when we do that, it works. Every time. But it’s a process. In your case, you’re also changing the dynamics of a friendship, so it’s a double challenge.