Want to make some soup? Thinking about throwing some exotic ingredients into your cart? PLEASE DON’T. Your child’s future may depend on it. Turmeric? (Maybe. Only because cauliflower popcorn is popular now.) Cumin? (No.) Coriander? (Definitely not.)

Are you a risk-taker who brings your little ones shopping? Wow, what a good mother you are! But if your child has a tantrum in the store? Not good. And if you give in to quiet them down? NO! (That’s a trap.) You’ve just been watched, and that information is about to be passed on. So sorry, giving in to that candy may have just cost your child their bashert. Maybe you should have had your children when you were younger and more patient.

Noted.

Do you spend more time in the veggie aisle or the fruit aisle? Fruit is carbs. (Another trap.) Be careful with that choice!

Do yourself a favor and skip the baking aisle. People in shidduchim should really be watching their weight. On second thought, it could make you look geshikt. Here’s an idea: walk down that aisle and grab some of the fancy muffin holders, as if you’re baking for someone else. Great for your image. Skip the flour. But if you really need it, at least splurge on the whole wheat fancy flour. It may be expensive, but it’s cheaper than therapy later on.

Snacks? Do you buy huge bags of pretzels and portion them out in sandwich bags for the little kiddies? Is that cheap of you, or are you careful with your hard-earned money? Well, it depends on what the family calling about you is looking for.

P’tcha. Ugh. Unless you’re looking for heimishe. In that case, grab it. You know those cameras in supermarkets? Word is, this footage is sold to shadchanim.

Do you leave the keys in your car while you shop? Are you nuts? Or are you chilled? Maybe that’s an Out-of-Town move. I heard they’re looking for In-Town-Out-of-Town.

Are you the pocketbook-type of mom, or do you hold your phone in your hand? Flip phone? iPhone? Holding a flip phone in one hand and an iPod in the other? Do you wear AirPods? Do you smile widely during your shopping spree? Speaking of which, have your teeth been whitened? That’s very important for the shidduch, you know.

As you check out… Are you the cash type or the card type? Cash? Really? Some illegal business you have, eh? I wouldn’t use cash if you have a child in shidduchim! It could cost them their future. Chesed Dollars? Good question! Are they supporting your local school? I’d think yes. But… what will people say? So oy, better stick to credit cards.

Or do yourself a favor and order online.

But don’t forget the tip!

After all, the delivery guy might be wearing a GoPro.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 911)