“You said ‘shalom bayis.’ If this is correct, press one”

As part of my ongoing efforts to give you the service you expect from me, I have updated my congregational contact service. You will now always be able to reach me or one of my qualified rabbinic reps.

Prior to its implementation, I consulted with the geekiest techies at giant corporations such as Amazon, Apple, and, of course, Landau’s in Boro Park.

Below is an actual transcript of a conversation a satisfied congregant had when utilizing our system.

Our transcript begins with Mrs. Goldberg, an average balabuste.

Mrs. G. dials my number and the automated system picks up. Let’s listen in:

“Hello, your call is important to Rabbi Eisenman. Please listen closely as our menu has changed.

“Cholent will no longer be available on Wednesday evening — only on Thursday.

“To speak to Rabbi Eisenman, press one.

“For Hebrew, press two.

“For Yiddish, press three.

“For donations, call Rabbi Eisenman without delay on his cell phone.

“You’ve pressed one. So we can help you, please say a phrase. You can say something like, ‘kosher problem,’ or ‘shalom bayis.’

“Okay, you said ‘shalom bayis.’ If this is correct, press one.

“Thank you. Please enter your ten-digit Ahavas Israel member number followed by the pound key.

“Please wait as we access your account. Okay, we have it. So we can verify your identity, please answer the following security questions.

“What was the name of the last boy you dated before you met your husband?

“On which date did your husband propose to you?

“Great, you’ve successfully answered. Please hold as we connect you with a service representative.”

Classical music begins to play, frequently punctuated by the message, “Your call is precious to Rabbi Eisenman, and someone will be with you soon.”

Fifteen minutes later...

“Hello, my name is Reyansh and I’m speaking to you from Jaipur in India, is this Mrs. Goldberg?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Wonderful, how can I help you today?”

“My husband stopped bringing me flowers for Shabbos.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, and so is Rabbi Eisenman. Have you tried to do a reset on your husband?”

“No, I haven’t. How do I do that?”

“It’s very simple. Have him stand facing the wall. Then press down once with some pressure on the top of his yarmulke. This should activate the reset mode.”

“I did it. He just fell flat on the floor.”

“Wonderful! Now remotely I’m going to reset his behavior back to the original settings when you first got married. Is he beginning to respond?”

“Yes. However, he’s still saying he won’t bring me flowers!”

“I’m so sorry to hear that. I see your parents bought the five-year guarantee on this model, so you’re still covered. Would you like to return him for a full refund, or exchange him for a different model?”

“I’d like to exchange him.”

“That’s fine. Right now, we have a special on BMG bochurim — they come fully loaded with Shas and Rishonim, and if you order today you also get a 1997 flip-phone complete with a Kosher L’Mehadrin shtempel and a dusty brim-up Borsalino. Does this product interest you?”

“Yes, it does!”

“I’ll send you a prepaid shipping label to return your old husband. Just drop him in any UPS bin, in his original chasunah suit. The new model is eligible for Ahavas Prime, so you have guaranteed two-day delivery. When he arrives, press his yarmulke three times to activate him. Should I proceed with the return, Mrs. Goldberg?”

“Yes, please do!”

“I’m happy I’ve been able to help you, and on behalf of Rabbi Eisenman, I thank you for your business. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

“Yes, there is! Have a freilechen Purim!” (Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 699)