***

“Okay, so we’re going silver and turquoise.”

Chava sighed over her challah dough. This was pathetic. There were definitely more important things to discuss than the color scheme. They couldn’t even decide whose neighborhood to do the whole Shabbos in, for heaven’s sake. But Chava was determined to keep quiet. She kept starting her positivity count over and she was back at three days. She wouldn’t blow it for this. It would all work out in the end anyway.

“What do you think, Chava?”

“What? Sorry, I missed that,” Chava said, trying to stall.

“What do you think about the whole idea?” Esther asked. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight.”

“Yeah, Chava,” Simi interjected. “What’s wrong with our plans?”

“W-wrong?” Chava said. Did they really want to know what was wrong with their plans?

Don’t go there, Chava. Think positive.

But really, it’s great to plan an anniversary party and start with the tablecloths. And talk about flying Dovid and Rena in from LA. This is all wonderful and important, but for goodness sake, let’s figure out what needs to be taken care of before getting bogged down in stupid details. But tell that to Esther and Simi. They started their Pesach preparations by polishing the silver.

“Come on, Chava, there’s gotta be a flaw in our plan.”

“What does that mean?” she asked, as battle waged inside.

But if they wanted this to work, they’d need to figure out the important things, like—

“Well, I do think we should decide whose neighborhood we’ll do it in, and make sure it’s a good week for everyone before we deal with colors, but—”

“See!” Esther crowed. “I knew there’d be a problem. I’m not worrying about who’s coming. This is Mommy and Totty’s anniversary. Dovid and Rena will have to come in. It’s not like they live in Israel.”

“Exactly,” Simi said. “We’re doing something and whoever comes, comes. Anyway, I said Mordechai and I would try to help Dovid out. What’s the big deal?”

Chava kicked herself. She’d lost it, and for what? It would be one thing if they took her suggestions into account. But she knew they wouldn’t listen to her. Did they ever?

“Okay. So should we work out the menu?”

Three days.

***

“Chava, you need to help me.” Chava heard the urgency in Yitzy’s voice coming through the phone line.

“What’s up?” Chava tried to sound upbeat, though she knew this would be about the Shabbos. She had told Esther and Simi to call each of the siblings and inform them about the anniversary Shabbos before texting it, but did they listen? Did they ever? And she had blown it again during that conversation. Her record was still four days. And she’d been at it, what, six weeks now? Four whole days. Whoop-dee-do. But it wasn’t fair. They really were going about this whole thing the wrong away, and here was proof.

“It’s about the anniversary Shabbos. We were planning on going away that Shabbos. There’s a caregivers convention that week, and Michal really needs to be there. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to back out on Michal. She’s been looking forward to it. Also, the fee is nonrefundable, and we paid the balance on Sunday. Michal thinks it won’t be a big deal to change the date, but I know Simi. And Michal doesn’t want to bother anyone about it—”

A whole paragraph out of Yitzy.

“Yikes, Yitzy, I don’t even know what to say. I’ll speak to Esther and Simi, I guess. What can I tell them?”

Really, what could she say, but hello, stupid heads, you’re not in high school anymore! Things matter! People have feelings! You can’t just plan things like this without regard for others!

“I trust you, Chava. Just do something so Michal doesn’t figure it out.”

“Ok, I’ll see. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks so much. I told Michal you’d be able to deal with it, but she doesn’t even know I called, so…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Chava repeated. “We’ll work it out.”

***

“How exactly?” she asked Tzvi later. “What in the world can I say that will keep everyone happy? Whose idea was this anyway?”

“Wasn’t it pretty obvious this would happen? Why didn’t you say something in the first place?”

Because I’m trying to work on stopping to be critical, don’t you see? I don’t want to be the one who always puts on a damper on things, even though I can’t help being practical. I don’t want to always be a negative person! I want to be lighter and go with the flow and let things run their course. I have a positivity journal, and my record of keeping my mouth shut is stuck at four days.

Yes, someone does have to keep things moving, but does it always have to be me? And fine, maybe it would be okay at work, where I’m supposed to troubleshoot ideas, but Esther and Simi? Who are we kidding? You heard what they said the first time — See, I knew she’d have a problem.

But she didn’t want to say all that to Tzvi. You’re not supposed to point out your flaws to your husband, after all.

Three days.

***

Chava: If they switch the week, you better come.

Yitzy: Of course!

Yeah, well. Because it would be totally unlike Michal to ditch a family party.

Four days.

***

“Chava, no. You’re not doing this.”

“Please, Esther. Simi said it’s not a problem on her end, and Rena hasn’t bought the tickets yet. Is the shul a problem? Can we find someplace else to do it? I’m happy to host everyone in my neighborhood.”

“Not the point. Sorry. I didn’t make a deposit on the shul yet because they didn’t ask for one, but there’s everything else, like the tablecloths, which I know you love to hate, and I asked my neighbors for accommodations and everything. It’s not just the food, you know. We’re all working really hard on this, you had your chance to tell us all the issues.”

“Excuse me? I had my chance to tell you all the issues. Good one. And so nice of you to give everyone else a chance, too. This is not first grade anymore, Esther. It’s not even tenth.”

“Yeah, but no one else has issues. I just got off with Ilana, she’s brimming with ideas, Miriam is taking care of the centerpieces and stuff, Rena can’t do that much from LA, but her kids are making skits and songs, we have a whole Google spreadsheet with everyone’s contributions. Only you’re sitting there letting us all know what we’re doing wrong.”

Really? Did she really just say that? Did Esther have any clue how much Chava was turning a blind eye? How much they were doing wrong? Google spreadsheet, my foot! Let’s see what they’d say if Chava took ownership of the spreadsheet. She threw down the socks she’d just paired and they bounced off the bed. Cool, she didn’t know socks could do that.

“Oh yeah? What’s Michal doing?”

“Michal?” Esther snorted. “Very funny. You know Michal’s going to have to be dragged here.”

“Maybe she doesn’t feel included, when you confine her to her little box, spring things on her as a done deal.”

“Oh, not now, Chava. Can we please have the I’m-the-only-one-who-ever-takes-Michal’s-feelings-into-consideration discussion after the Shabbos? That’s why we’re going to be in a fight over this? No thank you.”

“Well, I happen to know that it’s not a good week for them, okay? And that maybe if you had taken other people into consideration, you’d know that.”

“What is it this time?”

“I can’t tell you, Esther. Yitzy asked me not even to say this much. So don’t let it go further.”

“Come on, Chava.”

“Esther.”

“Fine. When does she want it?”

“Does the next Shabbos work?”

“And she’ll come?”

“Esther, please.”

“Fine.”

Start again. Whatever.

***

[Group text:] Esther: Grand Shabbos postponed one week. Update your calendars, cook your food, plan your speeches, revise your jokes. (Refer to Google doc spreadsheet to see which ones are still available.) As of this minute, it’s still a surprise, so hat’s off to everyone and their kids for keeping mum.

Rena: purchasing tix in 5, 4, 3, 2……… 1. Closed! No changes now, guys.

Rena: We’re seriously super excited! Didn’t let the kids talk to Bubby yesterday, was afraid they’d spill the beans!

Esther: No jokes — they can’t go near a phone for the next month!

Ilana: Wait, it’s a surprise?

Esther: NOT FUNNY

Ilana: That was Shimon. He took my phone.

Chava: J

Miriam: Simi, $20 to lose 20 lbs?

Rena: Count me in.

Simi: No way. Rena, you’re in, I’m out.

Ilana: Matching outfits for the kids, anyone? My mom just got us the most adorable things.

Chava: NO

***

Chava walked into the shul’s social hall. It was Thursday night, the Shabbos was actually happening, and they were all getting together to set up.

“Oh my goodness, who chose these flowers?” Chava said. Huge bouquets of orange blossoms filled one table with a sign that said, ‘do not throw out’ in Esther’s handwriting.

“They were left from my friend Breindy’s bar mitzvah last night. She said we could use them.”

“But they’re orange, Esther,” Chava said, picking up a vase.

“Aren’t they pretty? I love how they go with the colors we already chose, it was like, perfect.”

“Well, I suppose it does match, in a 2018 sort of way,” Chava said with a laugh. She was here to enjoy herself while getting Shabbos ready, to tease and be teased among the sisters. The Shabbos was still a surprise; Chava had to hand it to everyone for keeping it that way, and to Esther, especially, for pulling things together. Chava would have done things differently, but Esther’s way had also worked.

“Chava, come on! Don’t you have one nice word to say about this Shabbos?”

Chava almost dropped the vase as she set it back on the table. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. She would not do this. Not here. Not now.

She wanted to kick herself. She was doing so nicely in other areas. When she helped with the inaugural Melave Malka for her girls’ school, and they wanted people to bring their food the night of, she didn’t tell them how stupid that was, just chopped her peppers and brought them with her.

It had been stupid, there was all this last-minute setting up while people were there, but Chava hoped they figured it out on their own, while she marked a positive day. But she was still stuck at four days, and decided to treat herself if she ever made it to five. Tonight would be three since her last lapse.

She heard banging on the door and went to open it, letting in a laughing Simi, Rena, and Miriam.

“Thanks, Chava,” Rena said, giving her sister-in-law a hug. “Good to see you, it’s been so long. We wanted to come over today, Chayala wouldn’t stop talking about seeing Tziporah, but you know what happens when you’re not home, everything takes hours and before you know it, it’s time to set up.” She rubbed her hands together. “Brr. It’s cold out there. Next time, I’ll host, guys.”

“Why didn’t you say so!” Simi said. “This would hold so much more meaning if we were all in LA!”

“Hi everyone,” Ilana called. “I’m leaving the door open a crack to bring everything in from the car, okay?”

“No!” Rena screeched. “We’re freezing.”

“I’ll man the door while you all shlep.”

“Aren’t you helpful, Chava,” Simi said. “I’ll man the door while you shlep. Here are the keys.

After they brought the things in from the car, the women began poking through them to see the various gifts and pictures and games the families had brought to use over Shabbos.

“Hello! People! We’re not here to play! Can someone help with the tablecloths?”

Esther was such a typical oldest, it was hard not to make jokes about it. Chava sighed and went to help her. She felt so heavy inside. But this was the only time they’d be together without the kids: As soon as Shabbos started, there’d be little people everywhere. It was stupid to be in such a bad mood!

“Hi, everyone. Sorry I’m late,” Michal sounded breathless as she put her box on the table and took off her coat.

“No worries, Michal, we waited for you to get started on the real stuff.” Chava tried to make her tone light, but was sure she failed miserably. “Catch!” she said, throwing Michal a package of plates.

“Michal! You’re here! Did you bring the scrapbook? Oooh, it’s stunning!” Simi began to flip through it.

“It is stunning. Wait till you see Michal’s pages. They really should go last, you know, Michal,” Esther turned to her. “Nobody’s going to want to go after you.”

“Hey what about mine!” Miriam said.

“You don’t count, Miriam, you’re still dancing in kallah dust.”

Somehow, the tables got set and the food organized. Chava tried to get into it, but everyone noticed her mood.

“You okay, Chava?” Rena asked quietly, as they chopped pickles.

Just at that moment, Simi walked in.

“She’s fine, Rena, she’s been like this throughout the whole planning.”

Chava gave a tight-lipped smile. “I’m good, Rena. Exhausted, you know. Nothing like a ten-month-old baby who still wakes up twice every night.”

The conversation turned, and Chava felt herself relaxing, her smile becoming real. I can do this. Kids stories and supper menus and shopping woes. I can do this.

“Wow, it’s beautiful!”

“Esther, this is going to be a stunning Shabbos! I can’t wait for Mommy and Tatty to see this place tomorrow.”

“And, oh my gosh, those flowers. They’re real! Where did you get them? They make the whole place pop!”

“Right? And Chava hated them, thought they clashed. Chava,” Esther called, “come see how nice it came out.”

“Oh, wow, it does look nice,” Chava gushed appropriately. At least she hoped it was appropriate. “Esther, don’t make fun of me, I never pretended to be a party planner.” Privately, she did still think they clashed, but no one followed the matching rules anymore.

Esther laughed. “Just teasing, Chava. Lighten up.”

Would Esther lighten up, maybe? Chava had also only been teasing. Did they have to take everything she said so seriously?

***

“What’s the matter?” Tzvi asked later that night, when Chava practically threw off her jewelry.

“Here I am, working so hard to let everyone do things their own way and keep my mouth shut, and then I make one little comment, and they just totally blow out of proportion. And the stupidest part is that I was joking!”

“What happened?”

“Nothing happened! Esther got these stupid orange flowers that were left over from her friend’s bar mitzvah. You know Esther, if it’s free, she’ll take it. So I made a joke. And she jumps on me about how I never have a nice thing to say.”

“Ouch.”

Ouch was right. Chava escaped into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Tzvi wouldn’t see her crying there. What was it? She could try to change, but it was like no one let, like they wanted to keep her in this box.

Chava marched to the dresser where she kept her journal and grabbed it.

“What are you doing?”

“This is pointless. I may be a horribly critical person, but apparently people like it this way. Makes it easier for them to know who they’re dealing with, I guess.”

“Chava, stop it,” Tzvi’s tone was harsh. “You’re not a horrible person — I don’t even know why I’m responding to that. And you have changed, we’ve all noticed. Why are you being like this?”

“Okay, not horrible — critical.” Chava sat down heavily.

“Will you listen to me? I think you’re doing a great job. Don’t let Esther get you like this.”

“And I’ll never make it to five days, this is stupid,” she muttered.

“Five days for what?”

“Nothing. It’s great that you think I’m changed and everything, but if I can’t relax near my own family, then we have a problem. Especially since we’ll be together for Shabbos.”

“Listen to yourself, Chava. You made a stupid joke. It was a joke, it was meant to be funny, it’s not your fault if Esther takes things the wrong way, and it has no bearing on all the work you’ve done.”

Tzvi went to go brush his teeth, leaving Chava alone to process what he had said. Tears welled up again, but they were tears of release. She hadn’t been critical — she had been making a joke. And Esther took it wrong and that was her  problem. Okay, so maybe she would be more sensitive to the kinds of jokes her sisters could take, but this was a process. She was learning, she was trying, she had done the right thing.

She could give herself a point.

***

Positivity Journal

• Mommy and Totty’s reaction. Kept mentioning how much it meant to them to see us all together, etc.
• House we stayed in worked out well, fully stocked basement so we didn’t have to bother hosts.
• So nice to see everyone! Cousins had a ball together. Esp. Tziporah and Chayala, so cute how they’re bff’s. 🙂
• Food worked out, there was enough, it was warm, serving went well. See, that was smart of me, to set up the rotation of serving and clearing. I’m good for some stuff, at least.
• I was able to stay positive throughout — even when S thought I was going overboard with the rotation thing and when E was annoyed about the skit.

Chava let the tension roll out of her shoulders. She had done it. She had been overly conscious of everything that came out of her mouth and had refused to bite the bait, more than once. It had been hard, doubly as hard because she was with family, but she had done it.

“That was such a nice Shabbos,” Tzvi said, coming into the room as Chava closed her journal.

“Yeah.” It had been nice, but she had been under so much pressure, also. Chava knew that the strain of her struggle would overshadow all the laughter and fun in her memory. But—

She looked at the journal she was holding. Her positivity journal. Think positive. With time, she told herself, it would get easier. Second nature, even. Maybe.

• Was totally fun and special. Hope my kids do it for me!

Chava looked back at Tzvi.

“It was a beautiful Shabbos,” she said.

Five days.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 579)