I took another deep breath.

Two months later, our weekly conversations became more focused. Meirav had just had another disastrous dating saga.

“On paper, he sounded great. He’s a dermatologist making more than I do — and that’s a lot. He graduated top of his class. He’s brilliant, sharp, and the whole world knows him. He’s exactly the kind of husband I want.”

She suddenly fell silent.

I let the silence stretch, and when she broke it, her voice was small. “I twisted myself into a pretzel so he’d like me, letting him call all the shots even when I wasn’t comfortable with a venue or time, but after twelve dates, he started ghosting me. He ignored my texts, wouldn’t answer my calls.

“I finally called from my friend’s phone, asked him to be mature and tell me what was going on. He said…” a muffled sob, “he said that I’m too high-strung, and I made him anxious. He’s sure I’ll make some guy very happy, but that guy isn’t him.”

By now, the sobs were no longer muffled. “Is there anyone out there who will like me for more than a few weeks? Anyone who will think I’m not ‘too much’?”

That night, Meirav just needed empathy and someone to sit with her as she surveyed the shards of another shattered dream. But the next week, I started carefully probing, asking if she was ever redt to men who were more laid-back.

“You bet,” she said. “Just a few weeks ago, some woman in shul wanted to set me up with her nephew. He’s a math teacher! Can you imagine me with a math teacher?”

“Meirav, what really matters — what he does outside the house or how he treats you inside?

“You’re dating what you want, but not what you need. You don’t need someone high-powered, those men make you anxious — or you make them anxious. You need someone kind, supportive, nurturing. Someone laid-back who will enjoy your energy rather than be overwhelmed by it.”

Together we slowly revised her dream list, and I asked her if there was anyone she’d previously dated who matched this new list.

“Well, there’s this guy, David Kadosh… I never actually dated him, but we move in the same circles, and he’s been suggested to me a bunch of times. But Rachel, he works for a nonprofit! Like, seriously?”

“Tell me more.”

“He’s nice, the type who’s always involved in Chaverim and Hatzalah and volunteers for Chai Lifeline. A few guys I dated are friends of his, and whenever they mentioned him, they smiled. But—”

“Can you give it a try? You know that famous quote: ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ You know what doesn’t work; can you try something new?”

She grudgingly agreed.

A few weeks later, she was back with a long list of complaints. “He’s not sharp; on our last date, I told him this great joke and he laughed too late. He told me a long story about a shipment that got stuck in Norway, and it was kind of boring. And he’s so chilled. When I ask his opinion, he’s always telling me why both options can be wonderful. Can’t he take a stance?”

“Strong guys usually aren’t soft,” I said. “Middos don’t split. Some people want someone organized, ambitious, and accomplished, but they don’t want to live with the flip side — rigid, anxious, critical. Or maybe they love the idea of a spouse who’s laid-back and chilled, yet would never want to be married to someone who forgets their birthday or is always late. But each trait is a full package. Tell me about the positive side of David’s personality.”

“Well… he treats everyone so well. He was so nice to the waiter, not ’cause he tossed down a big tip but because he schmoozed with him, really listened to what he had to say, and complimented him. The waiter was beaming.”

I smiled. “Remember, Meirav,” I told her, “if you marry someone with the same gifts as you, they’ll also have the same weak spots, which will intensify them. Even when it comes to strengths, wouldn’t you want to marry someone who’s looking for what you have to offer — not someone who doesn’t really need it?”

Meirav and David continued to date, and more examples of his kindness emerged.

“I spilled my drink all over the place, and said, ‘Gosh, I’m such a slob.’ But instead of laughing, he said, ‘Hey, we all make messes sometimes, that’s life.’ And it was so….” She struggled to describe this new experience. “It just felt so good to have someone who was able to accept not just the good parts, but also the messes.” That acceptance melted Meirav’s tough exterior.

Then there was the time that Meirav was dealing with a particularly complex court case and had to reschedule a date three times. “When I did that to a different guy he said, ‘No wonder you’re still single.’ But David just said, ‘That sounds so grueling. How are you holding up?’ ”

“Sounds like things are going well,” I said.

Meirav laughed. “Yes, very well. And for the first time ever, I’m not afraid it will all blow up in my face. I think this may just have a happy ending….”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 925)