If someone fears negative consequences, they may tweak their communication to avoid an unpleasant outcome

Safe Space

Shoshana Schwartz

Healthy adult communication is the open, respectful, and honest exchange of thoughts and feelings. To facilitate this, the environment needs to be one where both parties feel safe communicating without fear of negative consequences, in the form of judgment, manipulation, or backlash.

If someone fears negative consequences, they may tweak their communication to avoid an unpleasant outcome. For example, Leah shares her frustration with her friend Rochel over the mounds of dishes she washed over Shabbos. If Rochel makes a disparaging face (a form of judgment), Leah might feel misunderstood, invalidated, guilty, ashamed, or resentful. If this becomes a pattern in which Leah tries to communicate her feelings and Rochel responds with eye rolls, unwanted advice, subtle put-downs, or outright criticism, Leah will stop feeling safe to share her true feelings.

As a result, Leah will adjust how she expresses herself. She might disparage herself, saying how ridiculous she is for complaining because it’s a brachah to have a large family; or she might mention the dishes casually, pretending not to mind; or she might even express gratitude for having so many dishes to wash. Alternatively, she might ease into the conversation, testing the waters before sharing her true feelings.

Leah may not even realize she’s doing this, but because she doesn’t feel safe sharing her thoughts and feelings openly and honestly, there is essentially no real relationship. At best, there’s a bond of social convention or convenience; at worst, an unhealthy system is at play.

It can be difficult to realize you’re altering how you communicate, especially with someone you care about. It’s natural to want to avoid conflict or discomfort, particularly in relationships that matter to you.

Another example: Basya often feels overshadowed by her sister Chavi, who is outgoing and assertive. When Basya shares her ideas or opinions, Chavi tends to interrupt or dismiss them, often steering the conversation back to herself. To avoid feeling dismissed or ignored, Basya starts to downplay her own opinions, saying, “It’s just a small thought,” or “It’s probably not that important, but....” Over time, Basya finds herself avoiding sharing her true thoughts with Chavi altogether, opting instead to stay silent or agree with whatever Chavi says.

A similar dynamic could develop between Basya and her husband. Let’s say she notices that her husband gets defensive whenever she brings up something that’s bothering her. If she mentions feeling overwhelmed with housework, he might respond, “I’m doing my best, what more do you want?”

To avoid conflict, Basya starts framing her concerns more mildly, saying things like, “I’m just being silly, but...” or “It’s not a big deal, but....” Eventually, Basya might stop bringing up her concerns altogether, keeping her feelings to herself to maintain peace in the relationship.

If you’re in a relationship where you often feel misunderstood, judged, or hesitant to express your true feelings, see if you can identify any patterns where you unconsciously tweak your communication to avoid negative consequences. If you do, you can gently open a dialogue, expressing your need for a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. If that doesn’t work, consider setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. You can also decide how much time and energy you want to invest in the relationship. All of this can be done with compassion for both yourself and others.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors. She is the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Out with the Bulbs

Dr. Jennie Berkovich

I’ve long been puzzled by the equipment that gets sent home with a newborn from the hospital. You’ll find diapers and wipes (if you’re lucky); a thermometer (that promptly stops working); occasionally bottles of formula, regardless of the family’s feeding plans; and the ubiquitous blue bulb suction.

The bulb suction was originally designed to help clear secretions from babies just a few seconds old. The medical team present at the delivery will often use these devices to suction out the nose and mouth of a newborn as soon as they are born. At some point, these tools made their way to the bassinet, and subsequently take-home bag, for babies leaving the hospital.

While suction is a great strategy for babies who are congested or have colds and runny noses, the bulb itself doesn’t do a great job beyond that initial use. Its circumference is larger than most baby nostrils and fails to create a good seal. I much prefer devices with smaller tubing like NoseFrida and other similar brands. Coupled with nasal saline, these tend to be much more effective at nasal suction than the rubber bulbs. The trick with nasal saline is to spray one nostril and then suction from the other nostril. Then switch sides. This helps the saline irrigate the little sinuses and ease the congestion.

Try this next time you have a little one with a stuffy nose and ditch the bulbs that are gathering dust (and mold!) in the hospital’s plastic drawstring bag.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician in Chicago and serves as the Director of Education for the Jewish Orthodox Women's Medical Association (JOWMA)

Control Is a Problem

Shira Savit

Many women believe that controlling their eating will bring them relief, but often, it has the opposite effect. The more rules and restrictions you impose, the more trapped you feel in cycles of guilt and frustration.

The truth is, control isn’t the answer — it’s the problem. Your body was never meant to be ruled by fear, rules, or rigidity. It was designed with wisdom; it was created to be trusted. The more you try to override the signals your body provides, the harder it becomes to hear them. Trusting your body’s signals doesn’t mean chaos; it means partnership. It means listening to the messages it’s sending and responding with the best care you’re able to in the moment.

Letting go of control is about learning to trust what Hashem has already placed inside you: your body’s wisdom. Because He created your body to work with you, not against you. Learning to trust your body won’t happen overnight, but with time, you’ll find that surrender to it brings more freedom than control ever could.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 930)