When your marriage is a safe haven, you have a bond that soothes rather than threatens

Safe Haven

Abby Delouya

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here’s shalom bayis. There’s good communication. And then there’s the quiet thing that sits underneath both. It determines whether a marriage feels like a partnership or like a performance. It’s called emotional safety and it’s that sense that your marriage is a place where you can show up as you are — imperfect, messy and uncertain at times — and still be met with care instead of criticism.

Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the leading researchers in attachment and marriage, calls this “the safe haven.” When your marriage is a safe haven, you have a bond that soothes rather than threatens. When that safe haven exists, couples can endure conflict, stress, and even deep differences and emerge intact — connected, and sometimes even closer.

From a psychological perspective, emotional safety is intertwined with attachment theory. We carry an internal blueprint for connection shaped by our early childhood experiences. If someone grows up feeling unconditionally accepted and forgiven, then these children group up to be adults who generally expect love to be forgiving and expansive. When a child experiences conditional love — one that is tied to achievement, behavior, or emotional control, vulnerability feels dangerous — even with a caring spouse.

This is why small moments can feel so big. If your spouse turns away instead of toward, it can activate an old fear: Maybe I can’t count on you. The body responds to this as a threat, our heart rate spikes, defensiveness rises, logic disappears — we’re in full on fight-or-flight for emotional survival.

One evening, Yitzchak shared with his wife Tehila that he was nervous that his coworker — and competition — was going to get a promotion before him. Tehila’s eyes narrowed for a quick second and she retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly. That better not happen. You’ve been killing yourself for months, it would be totally pathetic if you didn’t get the promotion.” This threat and insult wrapped up in a sort-of compliment leaves Yitzchak feeling panicked, ashamed, and even more anxious. “Ya, I bet you’re right,” he whispered and then clammed up and retreated from Tehila — physically and emotionally.

How do you create a feeling of emotional safety for your spouse?

Replace judgement with curiosity. Instead of analyzing or correcting your spouse’s response, try asking: “What’s going on for you right now?” It shifts the energy from right or wrong to concern and care.

Validate feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Saying, “I see this really matters to you” means you acknowledge that your spouse is going through an emotional process.

Own your reactions. “I realize I got defensive. I’m sorry. What I meant to say was….” Emotional accountability creates more closeness than any lavish gift or treat.

Stay predictable. Consistency in tone, presence, and follow-through tells your spouse’s nervous system you’re safe with me.

Why it matters

In emotionally safe marriages, couples don’t spend energy protecting themselves from each other. They still argue, but arguments become opportunities for repair instead of rupture. Emotional safety doesn’t mean never hurting each other. It means trusting that when hurt happens, you’ll both find your way back. And maybe that’s what’s so profound about a healthy marriage — it’s not that two people never fall out of sync, but that they’ve build a home sturdy enough — and safe enough — to come home to each other, again and again.

Abby Delouya LMFT, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope. 

Mazel Tov!

Zipora Schuck

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t’s a baby boy, baby girl, bar or bas mitzvah, engagement, wedding, or any other wonderful life event. Sending mazel tov wishes, assistance, or food items and gifts are incredible opportunities to model the important social skill of sharing in the celebrations of others. There’s no better way to teach that than to demonstrate it by participating in someone else’s simchah.

Having recently been zocheh to make a simchah, I learned from the many thoughtful and generous ways people took part. Some called, texted or wrote messages, sent cakes or flowers, delivered food for our family on the day of and the day after, graced us with their presence at different parts of the occasion, hosted our guests, called or wrote if they couldn’t come, asked questions showing interest, and showered us with brachos. Many people even had a signature item they sent or other specific ways they participated.

Include your children when doing something to enhance someone else’s simchah, so that your children can see you, firsthand, graciously acknowledging someone else’s special time.

If you’re a teacher, sending warm wishes before and after a family simchah helps a student feel like you see them as a whole person, with a life outside the classroom. Asking appropriate questions shares in their experience. Offering grace or accommodations about making up missed work may be part of the way you celebrate with them.

It is important to note that it’s become an accepted trend in many places, that each member of the family shares the simchah with their peers as well. Children’s friends and classmates will attend kiddushim, bar mitzvahs, vorts, and weddings to wish their friend a mazel tov. Some children will want to bring part of the simchah to school by sharing treats from the event with their friends. Encouraging and helping them prepare this only helps your simchah expand.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

When There’s a Will, Is There a Way?

Hadassah Eventsur

“IF something is important enough, you would do it.” This is a common refrain that gets tossed around when people aren’t accomplishing what they’re expected to. It’s certainly possible that a lack of follow-through comes from not valuing the task, which can create internal resistance when you intend to do it.

But often the desire is there, but your actions don’t line up to help you achieve the goal. This disconnect is frequently tied to a struggle with executive functioning skills such as the ability to prioritize, working memory, time management skills. It’s as if the road map someone needs to reach their destination is missing.

When struggling with task completion, try setting aside feelings of shame or self-judgment, and instead get curious. Ask yourself: Is this a question of lack of desire or a lack of skill? If you’re not sure what’s holding you back, consider which skills you might be lacking and get the education or support you need to move forward and reach your goals.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is an occupational therapist, certified life coach, and founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports frum women who struggle with executive functioning.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 973)