“Leah, I understand how you’re feeling — Reuven’s revelation was pretty intense. You feel shocked and shaken. But can you try to look at him for who he is today? He’s a different person than he was then, he’s developed real inner strength.

“He respects you a lot, and he was trying to be honest with you. Maybe he was too honest. He didn’t have to share all the gory details. But before you heard all about his past, you liked his ‘current self.’ Could you give him another chance to prove himself?”

The truth was, Reuven was pretty hurt by Leah’s reaction. He’d made himself vulnerable and shared some deeply personal experiences, expecting it to draw them closer. When Leah pulled back and asked for time to think, he felt rejected.

“Maybe she isn’t the right one for me, if this is how she reacts,” he told me.

“I know it took a lot of courage for you to share all that with Leah,” I told Reuven. “Most people want to maintain a picture-perfect image. It takes a lot of strength to open up about your struggles.”

“Yeah, well, it’s important to be honest!” he interrupted me. “You can’t go into a relationship like this based on a lie. She needs to know!”

He was right about that. I tried to find a way to explain his mistake.

“You know, I once knew a guy, let’s call him Rafi,” I said. “Rafi was bullied in elementary school. He did better in high school, but even as an adult his self-esteem was poor — he just wasn’t as confident or accomplished as a guy with his talents and gifts should have been.”

“I set him up with Chavi,” I continued, “and after a few dates, he started telling her about his experiences in elementary school. But he didn’t just say, ‘I was bullied and it was really painful for me.’ Instead he gave her a blow-by-blow of different incidents. The time the kids tricked him into going to one pizza store while everyone else met at a different one. The time the kids purposely cut his pants, and he was stuck in his seat all day with no one coming to his assistance. All the name-calling and public humiliation he’d experienced.

“It was overwhelming to Chavi. She felt terrible for him, but her view of him changed, too. Instead of the growing admiration she’d been feeling, now she pitied him. She had so many questions now. Was he normal? Were his parents normal? She asked a lot of questions, and he told her everything. But she lost some of her respect for him in the process.”

“Are you saying he should have kept it a secret?”

“Not at all. But he should have presented it differently. He could have said, ‘When I was younger I went through a very hard time. I was bullied in school and I felt like no one understood me or protected me. It was really bad for a while.

“ ‘Looking back, I realize I learned a lot from what happened to me. I’m more sensitive to others and caring because of those experiences. I know my classmates were wrong, but I worked on letting go and forgiving them. I talked to my parents about everything and although it’s a work in progress, our relationship is stronger now. The main thing is, I’ve moved on. I’m a different person now than I was then, and I don’t let it affect me anymore.’ ”

“A fairy tale,” Reuven said, a little sarcastically. I figured he was feeling bad for messing up.

“But it’s all true,” I pointed out. “And it probably offers a more relevant assessment of the here-and-now than the gory version. That’s what Leah needs to know. Who you are now.”

“Do you think she’d be willing to go out with me again?” Reuven asked in a low voice. “Maybe I can still explain it to her.”

Leah was reluctant, but I reminded her of the positive feelings she’d had toward Reuven before their last date, and she finally agreed to give the relationship one more chance.

I rehearsed the conversation with Reuven before they met, so he’d communicate in a way that accentuated the positive and focused on the growth in his development and how his past experiences shaped the incredible person he’d become. Life is always about balance. Secret-keeping is never healthy (and will destroy a relationship at any stage), but neither is oversharing.

“Share, don’t scare,” I reminded Reuven as he drove to pick her up.

Reuven hoped it would be smooth sailing, but although Leah made an effort to understand, she’d really been rattled. It took four more dates to regain the lost ground, but they made it. I watched with awe and pride as Reuven became even more sensitive, supportive, and thoughtful toward Leah as she worked through her feelings.

When I arrived at their l’chayim, I observed the new couple from a distance. Reuven saw me first and smiled. I noted his confident stride and the ease with which he greeted his guests. There had been a change in those last few weeks. The challenge and difficulty had accentuated Reuven’s determination and resolve. He was a fighter. He lifted his hand in a wave as he mouthed the words thank you, and I knew he and Leah would always bring out the best in each other.

to be continued…

Shani Leiman is a teacher, shadchan, and dating coach. She lives in Silver Spring, Maryland.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 737)