They were on the fast track to engagement — then a friend derailed them

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer 

I’d known Yehuda since he was a kid. His lifelong dream — I’d first heard about this when he was 11 — was to be an astrophysicist. It was a long road, 12 years of schooling at least, but he was all in.

Yehuda was from a large family. They hadn’t had a lot of money, and he’d had to pave his own way growing up. He was self-made, super responsible, and unspoiled.

He was the kind of guy who would walk into a house on a Friday afternoon, see the chaos, and say, “Give me any job.” And he really meant it; he would change diapers, run errands, wash dishes. He was the take-charge type, and unafraid of hard work.

He was a great catch, and I thought Riki would be perfect for him. Their hashkafos and personalities matched, and I knew she’d appreciate his strengths. As for his career plans, she’d grown up in a family where money had always been a struggle. It was important to her that her future husband have a stable parnassah. She realized it would be tough for a few years until he was fully qualified, but she was okay with that.

More than okay, actually. “I never like a guy on a first date,” she confided in me after she’d met him, “but I really like this guy.” She liked him so much, she said, “it’s making me nervous.”

But he liked her too. They went out again, and again. He was thrilled, she was glowing. Their fourth date was great. But after their fifth date, I couldn’t reach her.

That was weird. I’d heard from Yehuda immediately; he’d said the date went really well and he wanted to go out again. I’d never had a hard time reaching Riki before. Something was up.

Finally, after trying to reach her for 24 hours, I heard back from her.

“I’m sorry,” she started. “I wasn’t ready to talk to you right away. Something came up on the date that made me very upset. I needed to talk it over first. I called my teacher from seminary and my married brother. I also called my best friend, she’s married already and she totally gets me. They all told me the same thing. I’m saying no.”

I was speechless. “Um, okay,” I said finally. “Can you fill me in? What happened that was so terrible that you’re saying no to a guy you really liked?”