GETTING UNSTUCK “Self-compassion isn’t about being self-indulgent” explains Dr. Kristin Neff a psychology professor at the University of Texas. “It helps you be motivated and take responsibility. People who are more self-compassionate are more likely to apologize and take personal responsibility. When it's safe to make a mistake you are okay saying ‘I’m sorry’ because you’re not stuck in the belief that you're a horrible person.” (Photos: Shutterstock)

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t’s only 7:55 in the morning and you’ve already dealt with a toddler tantrum refereed a sibling squabble and scrambled to get your husband out the door with lunch in tow. On your right a child is lamenting her missing shoes. On your left your toddler is dumping his sticky oatmeal on the floor.

Then your teenage daughter steps into the kitchen. She’s holding a crumpled shirt in her hand (oops you forgot to do that load of laundry last night). You endure five minutes of escalating drama (“How can I go to school with a dirty shirt? I told you two days ago that I needed it!”) before you lose it. In an ongoing harangue you berate her for being spoiled chutzpahdig and ungrateful. You do everything the parenting books tell you not to do.

Later after carpool drop-off when the house is finally empty your inner critic begins her assault: What kind of mother are you? How could you say that?! The whole morning episode runs on repeat in your brain — your screaming and name-calling plus your daughter’s reaction a shocked pained silence.

You hope that guilt and self-recrimination will prevent you from lashing out again. But you said that last time too didn’t you? Isn’t there a better way to do this?

There is. But before you can work on your anger or repair your relationship with your teenager you must start by repairing your relationship with yourself says Dr. Kristin Neff a psychology professor at theUniversityofTexas.

Dr. Neff gives workshops worldwide teaching how mindful self-compassion (MSC) can radically shift our inner world helping us to deal with failure in a healthy way and to use our flops as springboards to success — whether that’s improving our middos bettering our relationships achieving our personal goals or realizing our ambitions.

The MSC Method

You failed. Maybe you spoke lashon hara about a relative you love. Maybe you broke your diet bingeing on a plate of brownies. Maybe you failed miserably on a work project. Instead of responding the way most of us do — by letting your inner critic take over or by dismissing the lapse because it’s too painful to face failure — Dr. Neff proposes an almost revolutionary approach: being kind to yourself. Her method has three main tenets:

Self-kindness: This means taking a warm gentle caring and compassionate stance every time we “suffer fail or feel inadequate ” explains Dr. Neff.

Common humanity: The goal here is to expand your frame moving from your personal failure to the big picture reality that everyone fails everyone bumps up against their limitations everyone falls short of their ideals; no one is perfect.

Mindfulness: This entails stepping outside yourself and observing your thoughts and feelings the way they truly are — without suppressing them or getting lost in the pain. Here it’s important to acknowledge your mistakes and most importantly see how you can grow from them.

What does this look like in action? Let’s go back to the hypothetical scenario of the mother who loses it during the morning rush:

Self-kindness: When you replay the incident in your head recognize the fact that you failed because it really was a tough situation. This is not about letting yourself off the hook but rather acknowledging that there was a lot going on — your husband couldn’t help that morning your toddler just entered the “terrible twos ” you worked late the previous night and didn’t get enough sleep and so forth. Consider too the underlying factors: maybe you yell because you grew up in a house with yelling. This doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to slip into the same behavior but it does mean you must appreciate that this is a real formidable challenge for you.