Take an extra five minutes to listen and ask questions before trying to connect with the other person

Mindscape 

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

Quick Tips to: Develop Empathy

When we express empathy, it facilitates genuine human connection. And when another person perceives you as empathetic, she feels understood, respected, and valued, and you establish yourself as someone who is likable and trustworthy. Empathy is important to cultivate and teach to your children. But how do you develop empathy?

1) Actively listen: don’t interrupt; listen more than you speak; and ask questions that reflect back what you heard.

2) Join them by relating: try to imagine in detail what the other person is going through. Mentally experience the moment as if it were happening to you, and let your emotions guide you.

3) Be vulnerable: by sharing our insecurities and mistakes, we connect through our common humanity. This common ground is one of the most important foundations you can lay in a relationship.

4) Don't make assumptions: don’t rush empathy, and don’t try and empathize before you truly understand the situation. Take an extra five minutes to listen and ask questions before trying to connect with the other person.

Relationship Reflections

Resentment takes up valuable energy and space in our hearts and minds. What might seem like a kernel of anger can swell to great proportions and color your relationship. Make an effort to purge your resentments, especially with your spouse. Think of it like a deep clean — you want to get to the bottom of the mess — either by having an open, honest conversation to share your feelings, or by realizing that whatever it is doesn’t need to be shared, and making the choice to let go and come close. Making a conscious effort to do this may save you hours (weeks? years?) of unnecessary stewing and hurt in your marriage.

Spotlight on: Intergenerational Trauma 

Intergenerational trauma, which is also referred to as transgenerational trauma or multigenerational trauma, is when the effects of a trauma are passed on from generation to generation. Individuals can be affected by three different types of intergenerational trauma:

• Group level traumas, such as genocide, war, forced displacement, or discrimination.
• Interpersonal level traumas, such as domestic violence, child abuse, or neglect
• Personal level traumas, such as substance abuse or a life-changing accident.

Intergenerational trauma can negatively impact families as a result of unresolved emotions and thoughts about a traumatic event, and it can present in various ways:

• A family might seem emotionally numb or have strong hesitancies about sharing feelings
• They might see discussing feelings as a sign of weakness
• They may have trust issues with “outsiders” and get into conflict frequently
• Some families are anxious and overly protective of their children or family members, even when there’s no threat of danger
• There may be recurring substance abuse or addiction

In the News

Research has now confirmed the obvious: pregnant women need more mental health help. One in five pregnant women experience mental health issues in pregnancy, and that can impact their baby’s neurological development and fetal heart rate. Prenatal stress and depression can also lead to socioemotional development issues and behavioral problems in children. When expecting, be extra gentle with yourself, amp up the self-care, and don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified mental health professional if life feels overwhelming.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, NY and maintains her practice in Canada.

Little Investors

Sara Glaz

When little Malky turned six, her mother, Chana, opened an investment account for her and deposited $1,500.  Every year, Chana and Malky worked together toward the goal of depositing $500 into the account. When she was younger, Malky earned money doing chores, and once she got older, she took on tutoring and babysitting jobs.

When Malky was ready, Chana taught her about compound interest. A few years passed and Malky got a lesson in mutual funds. At the age of 21, Malky’s account was worth $25,000! Plus, Malky gained a lot of experience along the way at working, saving, and investing.

It’s not an easy feat to motivate kids nowadays to work and save, but you can add some excitement to the equation by opening an investment account in their name. This will give them an opportunity to learn about investing and the pleasure of watching their account grow.  Plus, it can be a fun Mommy/Child activity.

While minors can’t have accounts in their name alone, a custodial account allows an adult to be listed on the account as the custodian. The most popular custodial account for investing is called a UTMA.

There are also tax benefits. Because money placed in an UTMA is owned by the child, earnings are generally taxed at the child’s tax rate (which is usually lower than their parents’). Up to $1,050 in earnings is tax-free. The next $1,050 is taxable at the child’s tax rate.

While the custodian “controls” the account while the child is a minor, once the child reaches “age of majority” in their state (18 or 21, depending on the state laws), the money is in the child’s name alone.

Sara Glaz is an investment advisor and financial planner at The Munk Wealth Management Group in Cedarhurst, New York.

Pain Ping-Pong 

Sarah Rivkah Kohn 

Ever watched pain ping-pong?

It begins with one player sharing a painful personal challenge.

The second player only listens to key words — grasping enough to craft a comeback with a challenge that puts the first to shame.

The first player then vacillates between feeling shame at their challenge being ridiculous and planning a defensive move.

Pain ping-pong is a competitive sport that leaves each player feeling equally terrible at the end. And yet they go back to the table to begin the game anew with another player in the hopes that this time things will be different.

There are never any winners in this cruel competitive sport.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Zisel's Links and Shlomie’s Club, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 790)