No one gets tired of hearing what they’re doing right

Power of Praise  

Zipora Schuck MA. MS.

We all know that praise is like water on flowers, a potent way to nurture our children and students. But how and when can we do it best?

There’s a basic principle in psychology that behavior that’s reinforced is usually repeated. Praising our children’s positive behavior will hopefully help them want to repeat that behavior. (Conversely, giving attention to negative behavior may reinforce that behavior.)

The easiest way to praise is to start with attending. Attending is exactly what it sounds like: paying attention to positive behavior. It can be non-verbal with a smile, gesture, or thumbs-up. It can also be a quick and easy verbal message: “Good job!” “Great, well done!” This sends a message to your children or students that you’re the type of mother/teacher who notices the good things they’re doing.

One master teacher I had the privilege of working with told me she feels attending should be the background noise in a classroom or home. No one gets tired of hearing what they’re doing right. In fact, when we’re attempting to correct a behavior, kids often complain that we didn’t previously notice all the times the behavior was in place.

But kids are kids, and they don’t always do what they're supposed to. Whenever possible, it’s best to give them attention when they begin to resume the right behavior. Use the words “I noticed” — “I noticed you’re trying to remember to do your job/raise your hand/share when you’re playing.” There’s a subliminal message here: I also noticed when you didn’t do the right thing, but I chose not to give that attention. Children then associate positive adult attention with the correct behavior.

Did your kid do something great?  Up the ante by praising them with a three-part praise: the child’s name, so they know we’re focused on them; an adjective that shows our excitement and enthusiasm; and the specific behavior they did, so they know exactly what earned this praise. “Chaya, amazing job clearing off the dishes right away!” “Eliezer, fantastic — you’re ready with all the supplies you need!”

Another option is one of my favorite ways to praise — thank children by using the simple words “thank you,” or “I appreciate…” There’s something powerful about a significant adult showing hakaras hatov. It should never be used sarcastically or coercively, rather with a sense of genuine appreciation. Yes, this may have been tasks they were “supposed to do,” but it’s always a choice a child makes. The more we thank children, the more they start to verbally appreciate those around them, including us.

The highest form of praise, used less frequently, is an affirmation. An affirmation carries weight. We use one sentence to describe the behavior we just saw and another sentence to attach it to the type of person the child is. Acknowledgement of these personality traits helps children build awareness and a healthy self-concept: “Chavi, I saw how you included Dina in the game. You’re a really thoughtful friend.” “Dovid, you remembered to hand in the assignments you missed. You’re a responsible student.”

Concerned that this doesn’t feel natural? As with any idea that feels new or different, you do you — your voice, your words, and your feelings. That always sounds the most authentic. And remember, your praise is powerful — harness it.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Cut Conflict  

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker 

Conflict is a part of life. How we resolve it will have an enormous impact on our relationship. In From Conflict to Resolution, Susan Heitler outlines five styles for resolving conflict. The first four, although unhealthy, can be used occasionally and may even be appropriate at times. However, if one of them becomes a pattern, that can be problematic. Your goal should be to use the fifth method as often as possible.

1. Aggressive resolution — when one party has a strong ability to win the conflict. This may be in the form of being overly assertive, but can also happen when one party is always crying and getting her way through tears. Aggression can also take the form of using guilt or any other mechanism that leads to one party always winning.
2. Passive resolution — when one party gives in very quickly, not even offering their opinion, simply ending the conflict at all costs. This isn't the same as vitur, which is a proactive choice to give in. Someone choosing the passive route is acting invisible. This isn’t coming from a desire to nurture the other person, but from an inability to take a stand.
3. Freeze — this “resolution” takes place when the conflict is brought up many times and never actually resolved. The parties repeatedly bring it up, but freezes when it comes to dealing with the problem at hand.
4. Flee — the party or parties avoid the conflict by escaping, hoping that will make the problem disappear. Fleeing can take the form of addictive behaviors or obsessive activities used to drown out the problem.
5. Win/win — the ideal way to resolve conflicts.

To achieve a win/win resolution, keep these four rules:

1. Both parties receive equal air time
2. Move from position to concern — instead of simply stating what you want, state why you want that option
3. Make a single list of all your concerns. Both sides will then be working together in synergy to accommodate each other’s concerns. It moves from “you against me” to “you and me tackling the issue.”
4. Move from list to solutions: ideal solutions are:
5. sequential (now we do it this way, next time the other way) Example: today I’ll cook dinner, tomorrow we’ll eat out.
6. incorporative (choose the solution that incorporates elements of both approaches) Example: let’s stay at home and order in take-out
7. trade-off (each party gives one up thing to gain something else) \

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives womens’ vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.

I’ll be There

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW

“Trust is not built in big, sweeping moments. It’s built in tiny moments every day.” (Brene Brown)

That’s why 90 percent of life is about showing up. There’s no substitute for our consistent appearance in a connected, meaningful way. Grand gestures can add sparkle to a relationship, but by definition, trust is predicated on reliability. We rely on those who consistently come through for us.

Showing up means coming not just with our bodies, but with our whole self, offering whatever the other needs from us at that moment.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 781)