Shift in Perspective
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A s I returned from the hospital after visiting a young girl I reflected on the chesed taking place there.
A group of single women had organized themselves to take the night shifts at the girl’s bedside so her exhausted parents could get much-needed rest and give their other children some attention.
Upon returning home I sat down and penned a note to the group organizer to express my feelings of gratitude on behalf of myself and the entire kehillah. I placed a stamp on the envelope and dropped it in the mailbox.
I forgot all about it until Miriam Stalenger (name changed) called me. Miriam one of the women in the group told me she’d read my letter and wanted to discuss it further.
I was curious as to what exactly in my letter had caused Miriam to contact me.
I wouldn’t have long to wait before I found out.
Miriam arrived and we chitchatted before she reached the purpose of her visit. I learned that Miriam was an occupational therapist. She had over 15 years of experience had earned a doctorate in occupational therapy (OTD) and was the owner and manager of a private clinic that had 13 employees on its payroll — five physical therapists three occupational therapists two receptionists two nurses and one full-time billing person. In short Miriam was a go-getter and a no-nonsense successful professional woman.
But I continued to wonder why she was here.
Miriam thanked me for the letter and then began her story.
“Rabbi I thank you very much for the letter; it was really considerate of you to write it. The other women and I are more than happy to help out. That being said it’s no bowl of cherries to be part of the over-30-and-still-single crowd.
“You know that most of the women will never speak up. I however passed that stage long ago and since you wrote the letter you can have the privilege of hearing my story.
“Rabbi to be single female and Orthodox is essentially oxymoronic. When I come to work in the morning I give instructions to my staff to guarantee the physical wellbeing of all my patients. Men women and their children are in my care and I have to make sure everyone is taken care of in a professional and efficient manner. I know I have earned the respect and admiration of my employees.
“However when I come home after a long day at the clinic I can find a voice mail from a girl 15 years younger than me and because she is married and has a child feels she has the right to call me and say ‘Hi Miriam this is Mrs. Married-Young. Since you’re free in the evenings (read: “You have no husband or children”) could you please take the midnight-to-seven shift at the hospital tonight?’
“Rabbi I am more than happy to help out. I also appreciate that my being single allows me to perform certain chasadim others cannot do. However the condescending tone so pervasive among so many of ‘our people’ is outright cruel.
“When I was in OT school I taught part-time in the local Bais Yaakov. For months they could not meet their payroll; I was always the only one asked to hold off on my salary. This was in addition to being paid less than others who were younger and less experienced; they however were married.
“Rabbi can you please utilize your pulpit and your column to get the message out that we ‘older singles’ have feelings too? Yes we’re single — but our lives too, are legitimate.”
Miriam Stalenger, this column is for you.
(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 653)
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