How can I stop worrying I’m going to fail at my new job?

Q:

 I just got a job offer after looking for a significant amount of time, and yet I’m plagued with terror and panic. It sounds like it’s right up my alley, but due to my past job history (ten years ago), I’m terrified of making many mistakes and being fired. How can I get more confident? I know I can do a good job, but the pressure of needing to perform, and the potential threat if I don’t, is too intense. How can I help myself? Can I mentally allow myself to make mistakes and do reverse psychology on myself? For context, I struggle with anxiety and OCD.

A:

We humans love to worry. When we feel helpless to control an outcome, our worry-habit kicks in to “hold the space.” To understand what I mean by this, picture a void, an open pit in the center of your brain. This is the location for, “I don’t know what’s going to happen.” It’s cold and dark in that hole. Now, picture shoveling in some “worry” to fill that hole up with thoughts like, “What will happen if this goes wrong? Can I do it or am I going to mess it up? If this goes badly, I won’t be able to cope!” We feel as if by adding to and constantly stirring this pot of endless wondering, we have somehow better “subdued” the uncertain situation. Which, of course, we haven’t.

The habit of trying to fix the discomfort this way is self-reinforcing: By spending so much time thinking (a.k.a. worrying), we end up spending far less time feeling the real pain of the situation. The brain — ever pain avoidant — likes this strategy and gets better and better at it, reaching an expertise that is eventually called “anxiety disorder” and/or “OCD.”

The only problem is that too much worrying and anxiety causes us to trip over our own feet. The thing we feared the most — in this case, messing up — becomes more likely to happen, if only because we no longer have the presence of mind to function well.

Therefore, the solution you yourself suggested — reverse psychology — is highly recommended. Give yourself permission to mess up. In fact, give yourself permission to mess up royally, so much so that you can imagine yourself getting fired from this job almost immediately. Think of this worst-case scenario, noting how unfortunate it is that you will have lost the money, the security, the respect, and all the other perks of the position.

Think of how humiliating it will be to have to tell family and friends that you were let go so shortly after you arrived. Think of how bad your reputation will be and what a loss that is as well. Go ahead and think every terrible thought you can think. Do it whenever your brain says, “Oh no! What if I mess up?” Answer back: “Then you’ll have lost the money, the security, the respect...” and all the rest.

If you happen to know (or can learn) the EFT tapping points, it’s even better if you tap the eight points on your head and body while picturing the unfolding disaster. Otherwise just think about it until you don’t care anymore. Accept the disaster and all of its associated feelings. Cry. Mourn. If you do this right, the pain will be over, and you’ll find there’s nothing more to worry about.

Since worrying was the desperate attempt to avoid the pain of the unknown, once you’ve allowed yourself to feel it, the worry serves no further purpose and you’re free to have whatever experience unfolds in real time.

You can use this acceptance technique even with the worry itself. Instead of worrying about the worry, accept that you’re worrying. For instance, think to yourself, “I’m driving myself crazy with all this worry.” Then answer, “Yes that’s true.” Continue worrying about the worrying: “Well, worrying will only make things worse.” And answer yourself, “Yes, that’s most likely.” Continue: “But then I’ll lose this job because I’ll make mistakes because I’m too busy worrying.” Answer, “Probably right about that.” And continue in this fashion.

Eventually the brain will give up out of exhaustion. There’s one thing that worries just can’t tolerate and that’s being fully accepted. Your worries want you to fight them and when you don’t, they don’t know what to do with themselves. Usually, they just collapse.

Try these strategies and see what happens. Many people find that the worry packs its bags after being fully accepted. But if your worry decides to hang around, don’t worry about it! You can either make friends with it or continue to explore other approaches.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 943)