Not only was it a pattern, it was self-sabotage

T

here have got to be a million good reasons to be late for an appointment.

Over the past decade, I must have heard them all. “The bus didn’t come on time,” “I had to stop and get gas for my car,” “I got off at the wrong exit.” Since coming to Israel, I’ve even heard some more unusual ones, like, “We were stuck in traffic, there was a herd of camels crossing the road outside of Be’er Sheva,” and “There was a physicians’ union strike today, so you yourself shouldn’t have been in the office, anyway.”

Binyamin was constantly late to appointments, and not only was it a pattern, it was like self-sabotage, interfering with his success in yeshivah and his time in Eretz Yisrael. A young yeshivah bochur of 20, Binyamin had left his chassidishe enclave in Brooklyn to come to Eretz Yisrael and learn in his rebbe’s yeshivah in Jerusalem. But rather than excelling in his new environment, the report was that Binyamin was struggling and hadn’t managed to connect to his new rebbeim or the yeshivah.

The message I received was from the Rebbe himself, with whom I’d developed a relationship after he forwarded me other chassidim in distress.

“Binyamin is a great kid, but he’s just not showing up on time in the morning, and it makes the rebbeim who run the morning shiur wonder if something else might be going on,” the Rebbe explained.

There are many reasons why people unfortunately burn so much of their day, and having seen a number of young bochurim for the Rebbe, I was happy to meet Binyamin for an evaluation.

Our first meeting was unfortunately cut short as Binyomin came in a solid 35 minutes late. He didn’t seem depressed or anxious or mentally ill in any obvious way. We scheduled a follow-up visit that he showed up to with only 20 minutes left. Again, nothing overtly concerning with his story, but odd to be late twice in a row right off the bat. When he was already nine minutes late for his third appointment, I sat and pondered the situation: Once is reasonable, because traffic can be unpredictable. Twice is forgivable, because we’re all human. But three times is a chazakah, and by the time someone has shown up late three appointments in a row, something is usually going on.

A treasured mentor of mine from back in training, Dr. Thomas Gutheil, used to always remind me that what happens in the therapeutic setting is often a repetition of what’s happening in real life. With this in mind, I was forced to delve into things a bit deeper.

It was a pleasure to have the excuse to speak with the Rebbe, and I was thrilled to get through to him on the first try.

“Kevod Harebbe, what’s the story with Binyamin?” I asked.

“Nothing that I can pinpoint, Reb Yaakov,” the Rebbe answered. “He’s just always late to shiur, and even though he has a good kop, you can’t show up for morning seder every day at 11:30. Even for a chassid, that’s late! Maybe you can help this boy get here on time because his maggid shiur has had enough. Look, he’s not a meshugener, he just needs a little shake-up to get him on board. He’s my cousin’s einekel, you know, so I feel an added sense of personal achrayus.”

The Rebbe hung up at the exact moment Binyamin walked in, halfway through his appointment.

“Binyamin,” I said to him, “I get it that you’re not depressed or anxious, and it’s not due to any psychosis that you’re showing up late.”

He cut me off apologetically. “I appreciate your confidence that I’m basically normal, I really do. And please know that I’m sorry, Dr. Freedman. I didn’t mean to be late again.”

“I know you didn’t, Binyamin. But this behavior is getting you in trouble at yeshivah too.”

“I’m not that late every day. I just don’t get myself together that quickly in the morning, and I like my coffee and rugelach after Shacharis. It’s nothing personal — I love learning in this yeshivah.”

“But it’s getting you into trouble, Binyamin. What would it be like for my patients if I showed up late every day for my appointments?”

Binyamin tried to suppress a chuckle. “But you’re a doctor, and doctors are all punctual.”

“Truth is that I’m not such a Yekkeh by birth, Binyamin. I had to work on it, because showing up on time is important, even for chassidim like you and me. I’ll tell you a story, if you want.”

Binyamin nodded. “We only have five minutes left in the appointment, so it better be quick,” he smirked.

“Okay, Binyamin. This is what happened to me. Back in medical school, I had a horrible professor for second-year pharmacology. He was boring, his voice was super nasal and obnoxious, and his jokes were dumb as could be. So after a week of class, I decided I’d just learn the material on my own rather than waste my time in his lectures. I found out that I was pretty good with the material, and I aced the first few tests in about half of the allotted time. For the final exam, we were scheduled for a three-hour block, so I figured I could show up at 9:30 a.m. instead of 8:00. When I got there, the professor went ballistic and started shouting, ‘You never showed up for class and now you want to waltz in here late and take the final? No way! Get out!’

“Knowing my rights as a student, I politely excused myself and went directly to the dean’s office to make a complaint. The dean heard my story and agreed that I had the right to take the exam. ‘You’re a bright young man, Student-doctor Freedman, so stay out of trouble and go ace that test.’ As I thanked her and turned to leave, she stopped me for another moment and told me, ‘But just remember that if you’d shown up on time, you wouldn’t have to deal with this silliness.’ She was right on target, and I accepted her tochachah. From then on, I started showing up 15 minutes early to every appointment.”

Binyamin looked at me sheepishly and said, “So what do I do, just start showing up on time?”

“Yep, that would be a great start. Nothing like taking action.”

“You know, maybe I’m a bit pressured here because I’m related to the Rebbe and it’s a bit tough to live up to expectations? Or maybe I have this thing inside that tells me I don’t have to fit into the box? I don’t know. But what you’re saying is that I should just start showing up on time and not think so much?”

“It’s either that, or you’ll have to keep on coming in late every week to see your psychiatrist. Then we can talk about the rest of the stuff.”

Binyamin was 20 minutes early the following week for his appointment.

He smirked as I came out of the office to greet him. “Dr. Freedman, how’s this?”

“Amazing, Binyamin. How’d you do it?”

“Well, I had a chavrusa with the Rebbe and we learned the Rambam’s Hilchos Deios. B’kitzur, a person who has middos on one side can fix them by switching to the opposite side. One day I might even beat the clock on you!”

“That would be a tough one, Binyamin. I’m up every morning at 4:45, but there’s nothing like a little friendly competition to keep me in shape.”

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 695. Jacob L. Freedman is a psychiatrist and business consultant based in Israel. When he’s not busy with his patients, Dr. Freedman can be found learning Torah in The Old City or hiking the hills outside of Jerusalem.  Dr. Freedman can be reached most easily through his website www.drjacoblfreedman.com.