“Let’s face it, why are kids bratty and spoiled? Because you always give in to their demands”

Last Week:

“Last thing I’m buying her for the summer, and everything else, Shira is going to be earning herself. Right, Shiri?” Chana Singer calls over her shoulder.

Shira nods, smiling. “Thanks, Ma! Yeah, I’d much rather pay for Walmart baseball caps than a Fuchsia dress.”

I’m no longer laughing. I look at Ahuva, who is determinedly looking anywhere else but at me.

The only 17-year-old in history, using her money for camp, huh?

I pay for the clothes, and we drive home in silence. When we pull into the driveway, Ahuva gets out and walks inside slowly, the Fuchsia bag swinging from her hand. I’m left wondering if I made a huge mistake. And if I did, where did I go wrong?

Shloimy’s very against working for money. My kids have my father on speed dial…. Yes, her jobs were cutting into my needs and her dramatic reaction to my idea was annoying to live with, but did I rob her of a very important lesson? Or is my daughter really right, and it’s Chana Singer who’s the anomaly?

I lay my head on the steering wheel, moaning softly. How do I fix this?

Cave Woman
M. Landau, Far Rockaway

The key to raising healthy children is consistency.

I’m sorry, but Gayil is being anything but. She's suddenly annoyed that her daughter lives a luxurious life, and she wants to make her pay for it, and she told her that she needs to earn her own spending money. But then she acted inconsistently by backing down on making her daughter earn the money.

No good will come from caving.

Pick Three, Any Three...

Rivka S., Los Angeles

I don’t think Gayil can renege on the matching offer, but she — and her husband — should sit down with Ahuva and discuss this. Talk about how she saw that this needed restructuring, and come up with a plan for the future. Make it clear that her offer to match what she earned was a one-off because she’s been working so hard.

I’d say to start by picking three things she will be responsible to pay for herself. They should also discuss which household chores/carpools/errands, etc., they need her to take care of, and ask her to tell them realistically how many jobs a week she can handle without it drastically taking over her life. For example, let’s say Ahuva and her parents make up that she’ll take two babysitting jobs a week, buy her own iced coffees and takeout, and be available to do carpool and Thursday night shopping. Then explain that she needs to discuss if something doesn’t seem to be working or if she needs more spending money for something that she doesn’t have, so together they can all readjust the plan and expectations. This might also be a good time to talk about her saving some of the money she’s earning, as well as a good system for her to keep track of her maaser.

No 180s

Avigail Z., Jerusalem

If your daughter follows the rules of a bas Yisrael — she is tzniyusdig, etc. — but she has no concept of being considerate toward others, then you have completely missed the boat as parents.

Unfortunately, it is not fair to now do a complete 180 on your child. You raised her this way and this is what she’s used to. It’s going to take gentle nudging and slowly putting up boundaries and setting limits — and knowing that for her, it must be overwhelming to have to suddenly change the lifestyle you’ve allowed her to get used to. Make no mistake: This must change in order for her to become a happy and functioning adult, but it must be thought-out and gradual.

Bratty and Spoiled? Of Course She Is

M.G., Monsey

Wow, Gayil’s in a tough position. I feel for her. On the one hand, I do think kids need to be taught fiscal responsibility and that they can’t always have what they want when they want it. Also, just because your child is bratty and acting spoiled does not mean you should cave to their demands. (And let’s face it, why are kids bratty and spoiled? Because you always give in to their demands.)

On the other hand, changing your mind in a fit of impetuosity like that is not recommended. But I can’t say I haven’t been there, done that. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that once you make a decision (especially with your husband), you should not change your mind before speaking with him to ensure you’re both in this together. I’m not saying there’s never room to change your mind in a parenting decision, but the way Gayil did it shows that she is not strong in her beliefs, and that always comes through to the children.

Not So Terrible

R.E., Brooklyn

Gayil, you did the right thing when you told your daughter to earn her own spending money. Teenage spending is completely outrageous. Earning before spending will help Ahuva understand the value of money, learn to make better spending decisions, and open her eyes to the real world of responsibility.

Deciding on the spur of the moment to back out of your stance and let her off the hook early wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do, but isn’t necessarily so terrible. Think of it this way: she learned some fiscal responsibility (hopefully) and you get a functional schedule back, and the cherry on top is that she thinks you’re nice!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 900)