The key is to gently separate our emotional response from our child’s actual experience

Parents as Coaches

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz

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parents, we’ve all been there — we discover our child has been hurt, and our every protective instinct springs into action. A recent conversation with a concerned parent whose daughter was assigned to group work separately from her friends got me thinking about how we can support our children through these challenging social situations.

Perhaps the most important question to ask yourself before diving into action mode is: How does my child feel about this situation?

It’s fascinating — and completely natural — how we sometimes view our children’s experiences through the lens of our own memories, anxieties, and past experiences. I’ve caught myself doing this more times than I can count! The key is to gently separate our emotional response from our child’s actual experience.

Take a moment to reflect on the situation. Has your daughter directly expressed any concerns about these group arrangements, or are you possibly projecting your own worries? Sometimes, the teacher has specific reasoning for their choices that may have been shared with the students but not with us parents. It’s also worth considering that what feels uncomfortable to us as parents might not actually bother our child. This kind of gentle self-questioning helps us separate our parental anxieties from our child’s lived experience.

If your daughter isn’t troubled by the situation, let it be. However, if she is expressing frustration, this presents a wonderful opportunity for what I call “empowerment support” — an approach I’ve seen work wonders with countless families I’ve worked with.

In empowerment support, you take on the role of a coach rather than a fixer. Instead of stepping in to repair the situation, you’re equipping your daughter with tools to navigate it herself. It works best in situations that meet three essential criteria:

• The situation isn’t harmful or dangerous to your child.
• The challenge is one they’re likely to encounter again in life (like working with non-preferred partners.)
• The circumstances are temporary and gentle enough that your child will be okay even if the situation isn’t fully resolved.

Group work perfectly fits these criteria. It’s not harmful, it’s a recurring life skill, and it’s temporary. This makes it an ideal opportunity for growth rather than intervention.

What would empowerment support look like here?

• Role-play a constructive conversation you daughter could have with her teacher.
• Explore some ideas about why the teacher made this choice.
• Consider potential benefits of working with different classmates.
• Build strategies for successful collaboration with new peers.

Here’s why this matters so much: Working with people who aren’t our first choice of partners is a reality that extends far beyond the classroom. By helping your daughter develop these navigation skills now, you’re investing in her future ability to handle similar situations with confidence and grace.

Remember: Our job isn’t to remove every obstacle from our children’s path. Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give them is the confidence to navigate these small (yet significant) challenges on their own.

The bottom line: Before reaching out to the teacher, check in with your daughter. If she’s struggling, put on your empowerment-support hat and help her develop tools that will serve her well beyond this specific group assignment.

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz is an educator, parent, and consultant who is passionate about raising resilient children. She is the author of How To Stop Caring What Others Think: For Real, and Always On: An Interactive Parents’ Guide to the (Dis)Connected Generation.

Frozen Challah

Hadassah Eventsur

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afrashas challah is a beautiful and cherished mitzvah, one that Jewish women have lovingly observed for generations.

But the process of preparing for Shabbos requires use of many executive functioning skills — such as prioritizing tasks, regulating attention, managing time, and relying on working memory — something difficult for women who struggle with executive functioning skills, especially when they often feel overwhelmed by the demands of daily life within today’s fast-paced and highly pressured world.

Given the mental load of Shabbos prep, it’s vital that women learn strategies to compensate for their challenge. But this is only part of the solution. The other half is protecting and preserving one’s “executive functioning fuel,” by eliminating steps in the Shabbos preparation process.

For some women, this means choosing to buy frozen challah dough or ready-made challahs. The image of homemade, sourdough creations by neurotypical counterparts can make these women feel shame and failure, as if they’re falling short.

If you find yourself in this position, may I suggest this tefillah over your ready-made or frozen challah:

“Ribbono Shel Olam, I’m grateful for the brain You have given me, and I acknowledge that it was tailor-made by You with love. I accept its limitations and honor its needs. May the decisions I make to reduce Shabbos prep stress foster greater shalom bayis and create an environment where my children feel warmth for Your mitzvos. May I be zocheh to have children who are talmidei chachamim and ohavei Hashem, as they experience a Shabbos table with a happy and present mother. And may Hashem lift the shame and guilt, seeing me for who I truly am — a woman who prioritizes connection and calm over stress and societal norms. Amen, kein yehi ratzon.

May we all merit to experience Shabbos with joy, presence, and tranquility, free from the burden of unnecessary guilt.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is an occupational therapist, certified life coach, and founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports frum women who struggle with executive functioning

Stop Chasing, Start Trusting

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

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any people chase relationships instead of creating space for the right one to show up.

It’s hard not knowing when the right one will show up, but desperation puts a harsh edge on everything. It clouds your judgment and can make you less attractive.

If we can relax and let things unfold, we’re far more likely to discover a healthy relationship. Let Hashem stay in the driver’s seat, while you relax and enjoy the ride.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker who helps singles date from their authentic selves and navigate singlehood with dignity.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 968)