Chinuch and the Enneagram

Understanding what drives people is helpful on line at the bank, at the airport, and with your boss, but the biggest bang for your Enneagram buck is understanding the personalities under your own roof. Using the Enneagram to pinpoint the ideal parenting approach for each child is the embodiment of “chanoch lana’ar al pi darko.”

“The Enneagram gives us the tools to identify the deep-rooted challenges our children were born with and will likely always find challenging, and to zone in on building them up in that area — which is perhaps the most beneficial thing a parent can do for a child,” Shaindy says. “For example, when my self-doubting Six daughter describes a situation she handled, I say, ‘Wow, you always know just what to say/do…’ When she comes to me for help making a decision, I say, ‘You know how to make good decisions, what do you think you should do?’ And then afterward, I say, ‘See what a good decision you made?’ Over time, she’s learned to trust her inner voice more.

“Similarly, a people-pleasing Two can be taught that it’s okay to say ‘no’ to his friends, that his own desires shouldn’t be dismissed. But first, the parent needs to understand that the child always gives in not because he’s so easygoing, but rather out of a deep-seated desire to be loved by everyone around him. The Enneagram offers that kind of understanding.”

Shaindy shares that within a week of reading the book, one woman utilized her greater understanding of the desires that drive behavior to parent two of her children in exactly opposite ways. Each child’s teacher called to say that her child was disruptive in class. To the teacher of her freedom-seeking Seven child, she urged an understanding of the child’s restlessness, to look the other way when possible, and to occasionally allow her to leave the classroom for a few minutes. To the teacher of her natural-leader Eight child, she explained that in order to succeed in the classroom, this child needs a strong authority figure who is not afraid to set limits. Two children, same behavior, but completely different approach when the impulse that drives that behavior is understood.

“When a child displays anxiety about something, it can be difficult for a parent to know if the child needs a comforting dose of sympathy or to be coaxed out of his comfort zone,” Shaindy says. “A relative of mine with an anxious child found herself constantly grappling with this. When she learned the Enneagram, the necessary parenting approach became clear. She identified her son as a self-doubting, fearful Six, who needed an extra push to face new situations and overcome his fears.

“This past summer, her son was the only boy his age in the neighborhood who still rode a bike with training wheels, and his embarrassment began to affect his social life. Even so, he resisted his mother’s urging that he learn to ride without training wheels because he preferred the comfort of familiarity to the uncertainty of a new experience. In the past, his mother may have let it go, but now she pushed him, understanding how critical it was for his development to learn that he can, indeed, succeed. And when he did, the sense of empowerment he felt was indescribable.”

Naturally, how we parent is hugely influenced by our own number as well, which can make things tricky. Teasing out if our approach is spurred by our own traits versus what’s best for the child will grant us more objectivity, so that we can get to the core of what our child really needs from us.

“My friend and TorahMate mentioned that as a baalas teshuvah and an emotional Four, she has a hard time watching her children struggle with the demands of the yeshivah curriculum,” Shaindy relates. “I responded that Four parents tend to over-sympathize with their children, which can stunt their growth instead of helping them build inner strength.

“My friend was taken aback by how accurately I had summed up her parenting reality. She shared that her 12-year-old daughter has anxiety regarding school assignments, and she constantly advocated for her to not be responsible for material. Eventually, the school evaluated her daughter for learning disabilities. When the results showed she had none, and was even gifted in some ways, the daughter’s incredulous response was, ‘You mean there’s nothing wrong with me?’

“My friend’s instinctive desire to shield her child — and herself — from pain had actually been holding her daughter back. Since then she’s made an effort to be the firm but supportive parent her daughter needs and has been astounded by her child’s progress. The better we understand ourselves, the better parents we can be.”

That stretch to parent better is also the nucleus of our own personal growth. “Some years ago, my fun-loving daughter, a Seven, left a goofy message on our answering machine,” Shaindy shares. “My instinctive response was, ‘We can’t leave this — what will people think?’ But learning to appreciate my daughter’s free-spirited self, and the wonderful parts that come along with that, not only helped me be a better parent, but also helped me stretch in ways I never imagined possible.

“Ultimately,” says Shaindy, “if someone is self-aware and honest, the Enneagram can offer an individualized path to self-transformation.”

A QUICK INTRO TO THE NINE PERSONALITY TYPES

Ones are primarily motivated by doing what’s right. They are often driven to improve the world, and take on causes they’re passionate about. Ones are authentic and honest, obedient and diligent. Ones can also be rigid; they want others to see things their way, and can be critical and judgmental when others don’t live up to their standards.

Ones grow and achieve balance by moving toward Seven, developing more joie de vivre and spontaneity.

Famous Ones: Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi

Twos have a strong desire to connect with people, and to be needed and loved by them. They achieve this by being supremely generous and selfless, often suppressing their own needs. Twos often have difficulty asking for help and accepting favors. They are chronic people-pleasers, quick to compliment and flatter.

Twos grow and achieve balance by moving toward Four, developing a greater awareness of their true feelings and motivations, so that their giving becomes more genuine.

Famous Twos: Barbara Bush, Mother Teresa

Threes are primarily motivated to be successful, and to project an image of success. They are ambitious, work very hard to excel, and are always motivated to accomplish more; they also have a competitive streak. Threes have a natural presence and poise, which they use to help them achieve their goals.

Threes grow and achieve balance by moving toward Six, developing qualities of humility and team spirit.

Famous Threes: Bill Clinton, Bernie Madoff

Fours spend time exploring their inner worlds, and have great awareness of their emotions. They are creative, deep thinkers who often live in their heads. Fours tend to be reserved, temperamental, sensitive and intense, and appreciate aesthetics. They try to find meaning in all their experiences.

Fours grow and achieve balance by moving toward One, developing qualities of self-control and productivity.

Famous Fours: Edgar Allan Poe, Vincent van Gogh

Fives are curious, analytical, information-collectors; they pursue knowledge and look for unifying principles that explain how the world works. They are out-of-the-box thinkers who tend to overthink things. Fives often disengage their emotions and employ sheer intellect; this affords them outstanding focusing abilities. Fives are usually introverts, and physical comforts are unimportant to them.

Fives grow and achieve balance by moving toward Eight, developing assertiveness and energy so that they can translate their ideas into action and engage with the world more.

Famous Fives: Albert Einstein, Bill Gates

Sixes are driven by a need to feel secure and supported by others. This is due to underlying self-doubt, anxieties, and fears. They often rely on social groups for a sense of security, and are exceedingly loyal and devoted in return, making them ideal team players. They are practical, responsible, and organized, but often have difficulty making decisions.

Sixes grow and achieve balance by moving toward Nine, developing calmness and optimism.

Famous Sixes: George H.W. Bush, Sigmund Freud

Sevens are spontaneous and full of life; they thrive on stimulation from new ideas, people, and experiences. Being happy is their prime motivator, and they also love making others happy, often through extravagant surprises or gifts. Sevens value their freedom and personal choice above all else — commitments feel stifling to them. They can be impulsive and lacking focus.

Sevens grow and achieve balance by moving toward Five, developing the traits of discipline, focus, and objective thinking.

Famous Sevens: Thomas Jefferson, Amelia Earhart

Eights are consummate leaders: confident, direct, and determined. They have an authoritative presence, and approach life strategically. Eights are fiercely independent and have a need to appear powerful, leading them to hide their vulnerabilities from others. They are intrinsically fair, and will go to war when they, or other vulnerable individuals, are taken advantage of.

Eights grow and achieve balance by moving toward Two, developing compassion and generosity.

Famous Eights: Donald Trump, Golda Meir

Nines prize a peaceful environment, and avoid conflict and pressure at all costs. They are laid-back and operate at a leisurely pace, preferring not to push themselves too hard. Their agreeableness gives them the ability to see different viewpoints simultaneously, making them uniquely suited to be mediators. In their desire to get along with everyone, Nines often suppress their feelings, resulting in a poorly developed sense of self.

Nines grow and achieve balance by moving toward Three, becoming more ambitious and assertive.

Famous Nines: George W. Bush, Abraham Lincoln

WHAT’S MY NUMBER?

For some people, reading about their number feels like looking at their personality in a mirror. For others, that mirror can be a bit foggy.

“There are various reasons people can have a hard time identifying their numbers,” Shaindy says. “Sixes and Nines, for example, by nature don’t have a strong sense of self, which can make it hard for them to recognize their cores. Also, when a child is raised by a parent with a contrasting number, they develop traits that push them out of their natural box from a young age. An achiever-Three parent may have demanded that his Nine child work hard and excel. This Nine views himself as an achiever, possibly not recognizing that his inborn nature is to be more relaxed.

Many adults don’t match some of the basic adjectives describing their number because they’ve already grown out of the box they were born into. But thinking back on their younger years, those iffy adjectives often begin to resonate. Shaindy relates that a woman she knew suspected she was a Three, but was sidetracked because she felt she had too much depth to be an image-conscious Three. With some pointed direction, she realized that her younger self was indeed more image-conscious and superficial, but she has since evolved into a person of depth and authenticity.

“The best way to type correctly is to delve deeply into the system by reading books on it, introspecting, and taking the time and effort to think about the numbers in relation to yourself and people you know well,” Shaindy says. “Enneagram questionnaires exist but their scores aren’t always accurate, because people often lack the self-awareness to answer correctly, or subconsciously answer the questions in the way they want to view themselves.”

Focusing on the challenges of each number is your surest bet of typing correctly. Many of the traits typical of each number can be seen in other numbers as well, so typing based on these traits can lead to errors. For instance, Nines tend to be imaginative and dreamy, but so do Fours (although the root cause for the trait is different for each number). In contrast, the challenges of each number are specific to that number, e.g., Nines tend to suppress negative emotions, but Fours are very self-aware and will even dwell on feelings of sadness or resentment. Looking at a person’s challenges can make ambiguities melt away.

Sometimes, correctly identifying your box takes… thinking out of the box. “I was reading about Moshe Dayan a while back, a strong, courageous leader whom many would assume to be an Eight,” Shaindy says. “But the more I read, the more hints of Five popped out at me — he preferred to spend time alone, and he calmly continued to lead his troops immediately after losing his eye in battle. His obsessive fascination with antiquities found in Israel, and the many hours he spent reconstructing artifacts from tiny shards, also point to Five. While the stereotypical Five doesn’t conjure up the image of a warrior, I realized that Fives’ emotional detachment and analytical abilities can be indispensable skills for a military leader.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 624)