The Enneagram system analyzes motivations and inner drives, providing an understanding for why people behave as they do

It was the summer of 2000, and Shaindy Perl was busy making lists: attractions categorized by type, opening and closing times, entrance fees. Her first vacation with her husband was planned to the minute, with activities alternating between strenuous and relaxing, indoors and outdoors, to produce days of perfect balance. Her itinerary was a work of art.

On Day 1, Shaindy proudly whipped out her masterpiece — and was dismayed by her husband’s reaction. “Isn’t the point of vacation to relax and not be tied to a schedule?” he said irritably.

“Having a plan will help us relax, because our day will run more smoothly,” Shaindy tried to explain.

It quickly became clear that their approaches to vacation were a universe apart, and though she tried to play the role of accepting eishes chayil, Shaindy was convinced that her approach was superior.

Then a relative introduced her to the Enneagram personality system, a model for understanding the nine foundational personality types that drive human behavior. Shaindy read one book on the topic. Then another, and another, and another. As the concepts slowly wended their way into Shaindy’s outlook on personalities and relationships, her view of her husband’s preferences began to change.

“Using the Enneagram took me from self-righteously tolerating my husband’s ‘weaknesses’ to seeing those very same traits not only as equally valid as mine, but even as strengths,” Shaindy says. “Being able to truly appreciate another perspective transformed our relationship in a powerful way, and impacted my entire outlook on life.”

Shaindy saw the wisdom of the Enneagram as begging to be shared — so she did just that. Her recently published book, Out of the Box, is a self-help tool for people trying to better understand themselves and those around them.

A Calling

At 38, Shaindy has an impressive array of accomplishments — mother of six children (and two pet parakeets), teacher of language arts and communication skills in several chassidish girls’ high schools in Monsey, New York (where she lives), and author of five published books. What propelled her to devote a year of her life to writing about the Enneagram?

“Since I was a teen, I’ve been interested in personality systems,” Shaindy says. “Most systems categorize people according to their behaviors, helping them identify their strengths and weaknesses. The Enneagram system goes much deeper — it analyzes motivations and inner drives, providing an understanding for why people behave as they do.”

The modern Enneagram system, which was developed in the mid-20th century in South America, breaks down personality types into nine basic groups, labeled One through Nine (see sidebar). Our Enneagram type is inborn and can’t be changed — it’s the very core of our internal makeup.

“Everyone fits into one of the nine types,” Shaindy says. “While this may sound implausible considering the endless varieties people come in, think about color. Blue is a distinct color, yet there are an unlimited number of shades that fit under its umbrella. Similarly, there are only nine basic types, but multiple factors — such as intelligence, talent, family background and culture — greatly influence how a person will manifest within the type. The yungerman who outstays his contemporaries in kollel and the CEO of a large investment bank may both be driven-to-succeed Threes; peace corps volunteers and leaders of kiruv programs can both be Ones out to make the world a better place.

“While our traits are derived primarily from our numbers, we’re also influenced by our ‘wing,’ one of the two numbers on either side of our own,” Shaindy explains. “For example, a Four will have either a Three wing or a Five wing, meaning her personality will be influenced by some traits of either Three or Five. While Fours tend to be sensitive, self-aware, and reserved, a Four with a Three wing will be more outgoing and ambitious, and a Four with a Five wing will be more objective and intellectual than the typical emotional Four.”

But that’s not all, Shaindy says. There are three basic instincts that all people possess: an instinct for self-preservation, a social instinct, and an instinct that craves stimulation. One of these three instincts is dominant in each of us, and that dominant instinct also strongly influences a person’s behavior. It’s the interplay of number, wing, and dominant instinct, as well as factors like background and culture, which creates the endless variety we see in the personalities of those around us.

“One of my goals in writing the book was to emphasize that numbers are neither positive nor negative,” Shaindy says. “Each number — and by extension, every person — contains both challenges and potential for greatness; they’re flip sides of the same coin. Some Enneagram books are more sympathetic to some numbers than others, and I wanted to make people aware of the positive potential we all have within us, no matter the number.

“Before going to print, I gave the manuscript to a woman very familiar with the Enneagram for feedback,” Shaindy shares. “She commented that she always knew her husband was a Seven, and for years was hung up on his Seven challenges — he can be a bit scattered and unreliable. The book helped her view her husband’s qualities in a more balanced way.

“His Seven qualities of bigheartedness and spreading simchah wherever he goes are just as much a part of him as are his challenges, and deserve just as much focus. Hearing that a veteran Enneagram user saw the bigger picture after reading the book validated for me that I’ve added something valuable to the existing literature on the subject.”

In addition to writing about the Enneagram, Shaindy has taught the subject in several girls’ high schools. “The goal wasn’t necessarily for every student to learn her number, but rather to give the girls an understanding of, and appreciation for, different perspectives. That alone has great value.”

She’s also given classes on the subject to women. “One mother I taught shared that her daughter, a driven-to-succeed Three, often tried to outshine those around her, so she tended to downplay her daughter’s successes out of concern that she was too self-centered. The course taught her that her daughter’s desire to be recognized for success is an inherent part of her makeup, and rather than try to change that, she should channel that drive to help her become a better person.

“I suggested that she compliment her daughter effusively whenever she shows consideration, such as by deferring to someone else’s idea on a school project. Doing this will teach her that she’s a success in her mother’s eyes not when she’s the star of the show, but when she’s nice to others. Withholding from a child what she desires most won’t make the desire go away. But channeling that desire in a positive way helps her grow, while also satisfying her natural need.”

It is precisely this type of awareness that leads to growth — and that’s what most captivates Shaindy about the Enneagram. “Self-growth has long been my passion, and understanding what drives our behavior is a catalyst for personal growth,” she says. Beyond describing each personality type, the Enneagram outlines how people can develop into the best versions of themselves. For example, Ones, who are naturally rigid, are directed to work on becoming more flexible and lighthearted (Seven-like). The system is designed to help people become more conscious of where they are — and where they need to go.