The ins and outs of asking for forgiveness  

Prepared for print by Faigy Peritzman

My husband used to work for his uncle, and unfortunately, they parted under less-than- pleasant circumstances. Soon after, his uncle passed away from a heart attack, and we were unable to attend the funeral. My husband would like to ask mechilah, but as the kevurah was in Eretz Yisrael, it’s not so simple. What can he do?

Halachah permits appointing a representative to seek mechilah for you. The shaliach should assemble ten people at your uncle’s gravesite and request forgiveness on your husband’s behalf.

I have a friend who is very sensitive and gets insulted easily. When Elul comes around, I like to ask her for mechilah for anything I inadvertently did, but I know that will become another whole issue as she’ll rehash everything she was upset about. Am I still required to ask her despite this unpleasantness?

Ask her for mechilah only if you are certain that you caused real harm. You have no obligation to deal with irrational or obsessively difficult individuals, and certainly not if approaching her will result in making things worse between the two of you. Instead, send her an email expressing your friendship and concern and wish her a good year.

My mother was emotionally abusive to all of us as I grew up, and with the guidance of a distinguished rav who is considered a worldwide expert in these matters, we’ve been instructed to undertake the drastic step of severing all contact with her. Do we need to ask her for mechilah?

No. You have no reason to ask forgiveness from anyone who deliberately abused you in any way, emotionally, mentally, or physically, even if you defended yourself from the abuse by being less than respectful or by severing contact with her, as you were instructed by daas Torah. If anything, she needs to ask you for mechilah! [This ruling should not be taken as a carte blanche for children to claim abuse and sever ties from parents. Each and every case is different and requires careful consideration and guidance.]

What does the Torah expect from me when someone who really hurt me comes before Yom Kippur and asks for my forgiveness?

When someone who has hurt you in the past now seeks your forgiveness, you must let go of your angry feelings and do the best you can to forgive that person. You must do this not only so that the petitioner can atone on Yom Kippur, but also for your own benefit. The following reasons are given: 1) As children of Avraham Avinu, we are expected to learn from him and follow his example when he graciously forgave Avimelech for abducting Sarah. Anyone who conducts himself differently is, in the words of the Rambam, cruel and akin to the hard-hearted non-Jews. 2) Hashem deals with us in the same manner that we deal with others; if you pardon others for what was done to you, including acts done intentionally or spitefully, then Hashem will forgive you for any sins committed against Him, including those sins done intentionally or spitefully. 3) One who allows hatred toward another person to remain in his heart blocks his prayers from reaching Heaven.

Is there ever a concept that one may not be required to forgive someone if they did something that seems beyond forgiveness?

Although one is usually required to let go and forgive all types of hurtful behavior, the poskim address several general exceptions. It is, however, advisable to consult with a rav regarding your specific situation. 1) If the individual owes you money and she refuses to pay or acknowledge the debt; 2) If she made a public false claim about you (motzi shem ra), and there is a possibility that some people who may have heard the claim will not become aware of her regret and will continue to believe the false statements; 3) If you believe that after forgiving her, she will just repeat the same damaging or negative behavior; and 4) If you honestly feel that rejecting her appeasement will prompt her to repair or improve her conduct toward people.

Last year before Yom Kippur, I humbled myself to ask mechilah from a former seminary classmate, but she flat-out refused to accept my apology. What am I meant to do now?

Halachah requires that you go back to her repeatedly and continue to appease her, using different approaches, until she becomes mollified. Sometimes, you will be unable to accomplish your goal by yourself, and you may need to ask other people to come along with you. Once you have tried three or four times and she still has not relented, you have done your duty, and you are no longer required to ask for forgiveness — although it is praiseworthy to keep on trying.

A group of us put on a Purim play for school and came down hard on one teacher, albeit in jest. Now at the beginning of the new school year, I’d like to ask her for forgiveness, but don’t know if bringing this up again will cause her embarrassment anew.

Instead of facing her directly, which may be awkward or embarrassing, send her a letter or an email asking for forgiveness. This way, she can choose whether or not to follow up with you.

My parents recently divorced and my mother has forbidden us to speak to my father. However, I’d like some closure, plus I want to ask him forgiveness if I inadvertently caused any of the friction that led to the divorce. May I go against my mother and ask my father for mechilah?

In most cases (other than potential danger or abuse, etc.), your mother does not have the halachic right to forbid you from speaking to your father. If you feel the emotional need, you may ask your father for forgiveness, but for the sake of peace, do so discreetly. Bear in mind that children rarely, if ever, are the reason for friction between parents.

I have two neighbors who aren’t on speaking terms already for months. Now that Elul’s approaching, am I allowed to lie to make peace by telling each side that the other side really regrets their actions and will like to make peace?

Chazal relate that Aharon HaKohein fostered peace in this way, and that Hillel Hanasi teaches to follow in his footsteps. Obviously, this is not only permitted but encouraged!

I was extremely hurt by my sister-in-law, not once, but many times. However, my mother-in-law is asking me to be moichel her. May I tell my mother-in-law that I am not moichel unless my sister-in-law asks me herself?

You have a right to do that, for two reasons: Unless your sister-in-law asks you for forgiveness directly, you have no way of knowing if she sincerely regrets her actions and will no longer repeat them. In addition, some poskim hold that the process of appeasement requires the one asking for forgiveness to humble herself before the person who was hurt. The embarrassment involved is part of the purification process, a form of yissurim that the sinner must go through before Divine forgiveness may be granted.

I was driving recently, and I sideswiped another car. I stopped and left a note on the windshield for him to call me, but he never has. I haven’t seen that car parked there again, so how am I supposed to ask for mechilah and make compensation?

By leaving a note with your information you did what you needed to do. You have no further responsibility.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 958)