“While we’re on the topic, on Thursday you promised you’d wash my shirts in the evening, and you didn’t, and I had to wear a stained one to school on Friday,” my 17-year-old chimes in.

One of the more famous parenting teachers says the state of order in your home is a matter of personal taste, but your kids always need a clean school shirt to wear.

But to do that, you have to remember to do the laundry.

I put up my palms to ward off their complaints and remind them that even though they’re upset, this isn’t the way to speak to a mother. I silently dole out the rest of the ice cream, my heart feeling hot and heavy.

I really, really want to be a good mother. I love my children very much. But so many times, I fail them on the most basic of things — forget all the other more complex aspects of parenting like giving them the right amount of attention, the right mix of love and discipline, the right balance of freedom and boundaries.

I promise so many things, and intend to fulfill every one of those promises, but the weeks go by and I either forget or just don’t actually get around to it. Yes, I will take your pants to the seamstress. Yes, I will make an eye doctor’s appointment for you. Yes, I will discuss getting a math tutor with your teacher.

And while parenting is challenging for everyone, there are some challenges unique to mothers with ADHD.

It’s not just following through with things myself; I find it hard to make sure my children follow through with the things they need to. To make things like brushing their teeth and making their bed a habit, you need to consistently remind them or reward them or give them consequences if they don’t. But consistency is my nemesis. So it’s usually chaos. No one goes to bed at a reasonable hour, and everyone has baths when I look at the clock and realize how late it is.

I decide to sit down with my husband and come up with a way to make the daily routine work better for the family. His advice is to make a schedule for when I serve supper, when we start baths, when each child needs to be in bed. And to put on an alarm for each of these times.

It takes a lot of self-discipline to go into the kitchen at five when my alarm rings and start preparing supper. There’s a payoff, though. I don’t have kvetchy kids pulling on my skirt asking for cookies or pretzels while I frantically try to finish the cooking.

I manage to stick to this schedule for a few weeks. Some of my kids thrive on this schedule (read, the ones with my husband’s genetic profile). They love the predictability of it. The floaty ones (read, the ones with my genetic profile) are resentful at having to swear allegiance to my ringing alarm clock. Yes, I have to do some nagging, but after a few nights of them going to bed on time, everything improves, starting with the morning. Everyone’s less tired, up earlier, and the older ones even make their and their little siblings’ school lunches, allowing me to stay in bed a little longer! And once they’re more tired in the evening from waking up earlier, they’re more willing to go to bed earlier.

There’s another surprise bonus. For me, the hardest part of parenting has always been the sensory overload I feel from everyone needing me all at once.

There’s the toddler whose Magna-Tiles tower has collapsed, and he’s lying at my feet, pudgy hands pummeling the carpet as he screams, “Ima, Ima, hep me, hep me. Fell down.”

And the pouting preteen who’s saying, “Ima, what’s for supper? I’m staaaarrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvviiiiinnnnnnngggggggg.”

And the sullen teenager who’s just walked through the door and doesn’t want to take the baby from me; she wants to tell me all about the dramas of the day: “Why do I always have to help? You won’t believe what Miri said to me this morning. She’s so mean….”

Usually, they’re all clamoring for attention, and I don’t know who to turn to first, who to listen to, whose needs are more urgent. I just want to be alone so I can decompress from all the noise and chaos and make a plan of action. I feel like banging my head against the wall and moaning.

When I stick to this schedule, a lot of this sensory overload is eliminated. No one is kvetching for supper. My toddler throws fewer tantrums because he isn’t as tired. And with the younger ones in bed earlier, the later evening is freed up for my preteens and teens, who then instinctively do their own thing earlier in the evening when I’m busy with the little ones.

One thing that trying to overcome the challenges of ADHD has shown me is that making even a small change can have a far-reaching impact. But like all things ADHD, once the novelty wears off, it becomes really, really hard to stick to such a strict schedule, even when I see the results. We cycle between functioning well and chaos.

Then there are aspects of ADHD that make it naturally easy to be a mother. You need to be really flexible to handle the crazy things that life with kids brings, like the trip to the emergency room for a broken arm two hours before Shabbos. I’m used to so much chaos, the chaos of a situation like that is no big deal. Flexibility is practically my middle name.

That flexibility also enables me to give the kids freedom for their creativity. I get bucketloads of nachas when they spend hours playing make-believe games using the Lego, the Playmobil, the Kapla, the kitchen toys, the Menchies, and the linens off their beds. I know many mothers who would get heart palpitations from the mess that makes.

ADHD is also very humbling. Because I struggle with so many basic things, I’ve developed a very high tolerance and patience for people’s flaws and weaknesses, especially for the accidental things children have a tendency toward, such as spilling their cereal and milk over the freshly washed floor or wetting the bed the day after I’ve changed the linen. I don’t ever feel the need to push my children to be high-achieving “nachas machines”; I want to nominate them for a Nobel Prize for simple things like doing their homework. My children sense that and bask in telling me the details of the small incidents and achievements in their lives.

And to top it all off, I tell the best bedtime stories. Just ask my kids about Yossi, Kovi, and Itzik and their adventures!

To be continued…

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 920)