T

he scene: A kosher delicatessen on the Eastern seaboard.

Customer to clerk: Having a big party tonight. Fix me up a nice platter of salami bologna pastrami — you know the works.

Clerk: Okay. How many people you having?

Customer: Nonna your business.

Clerk: But I need to know how much food you’ll need. How many people?

Customer: I already told you. Nonna your business.

Clerk: Sir how can I know how much to put on the platter when I don’t know how many people you’re having?

Customer by now irate: I told you already; nonna your business!

There is something obviously irrational about this customer’s insistence on maintaining his personal privacy but this true incident caused me to ruminate a bit about the delicate balance between maintaining one’s personal individualism while still remaining involved with other people.

Obviously certain matters are no one else’s business but many things are someone else’s business. You’re hurting? It’s my business to help. You need support? That’s my business. You’re depressed? That’s my business. I am responsible to you. We do not live in isolation from one another. No one is self-sufficient. Our lives are intertwined and interdependent and yet each person retains his or her autonomous individuality.

So that to the question “How much do you earn?” the proper response (adjusted for nuance) is: None of your business. How much did you pay for your new house? None of your business. You just received a bonus; how much was it? None of your business.

Judaism encapsulates this idea with the concept “kol Yisrael areivim zeh lazeh — all Israel is responsible one for the other” (Talmud Shevuos 39a). It is also inherent in G-d’s statement in Bereishis 2:18: “It is not good for man to be alone” — not good for man and not good for society.

In the English-speaking world John Donne captures it with his famous lines: “No man is an island entire of itself… any man’s death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind.” It is a paradox. We are created as individuals each person a world until himself. But we are simultaneously connected with all other human beings because we all come from the same Source and are formed by the same Creator. To be alone to be isolated from other human beings is extremely painful. We are hardwired to be part of other people. They give us strength and hope. A visit to a sick person gives him energy and courage. A visit to a mourner shows him that he is not alone that others care. Only G-d Himself can be alone; He is the Lonely One the Echad.

Although we are not meant to be alone Judaism has a strong ethic of personal privacy. The Talmud and the Shulchan Aruch contain full discussions of the laws of loss of privacy known as hezek re’iyah literally “damage caused by viewing” (see Bava Basra 2b; Rambam Shecheinim 2:4). A passerby on a public street may not gaze into someone’s home. Buildings should be so designed that windows do not permit one to look into another’s window. The heathen prophet Bilaam praises the Jews with “Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov — How good are thy tents O Jacob” (Bamidbar 24:5) which the Sages say refers to the fact that the Israelites built their tents to preserve maximum protection from inquisitive eyes. The famous dictum of Rabbeinu Gershom forbids us to read other people’s mail. We may not invade another’s personal domain without invitation. In the Jewish view personal privacy is a key element of the dignity of the individual.

I do not know how that unreasonable person’s little party worked out. I hope the platter contained enough for everyone. But I’m not worried because after all is said and done it really is none of my business.